Help! Need to vent in the worst way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Help! Need to vent in the worst way!
8
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 9:38pm
Hi! I'm new to this message board. I just need to talk to somebody who might understand what I'm going through and NOT think I'm insane or a total social reject. Ok, so here it is. I met a man online a couple of months ago...we seem to be compatiable for eachother...we like all the same stuff and have the same goals and blah blah blah. The thing is he lives in another province (I live in Canada)and so we haven't met face to face yet. That's not the problem. The problem is I'm jealous ( I don't tell him I am or sound like I am when I talk to him on the phone, but inside I am SO jealous!!)...the thing is I have never, EVER been jealous before and it's really bugging me. I suppose it's a good thing that he tells me he talks to these women and he tells me I'm the only one for him and so on and so forth. I think he either senses I'm jealous or...I don't KNOW!!All I know is it's driving me batty!! And it's not like I can just say "screw this" as I usually do. Because I think I'm truly in love with him. Which is even worse because if this is love it bites! He told me he talked to a neighbor's daughter last night and they had a pretty deep conversation about life and all this stuff. She went and told him and I quote "you SO shouldn't be single". Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I think she was hitting on him. And I think he liked it! I wish I could just ditch him and walk away like I've done with most of my online relationships...but this one could be something...that is if I don't let this stupid jealousy of mine get in the way...but right now I feel absolutly miserable...and even more miserable because she's supposed to go over there again tonight! I shouldn't even CARE this much! It's online, it's so stupid! I suppose that's what I get for being emotionally involved like this. I blame it on the roses he sent me. Twelve very beautiful long stem roses. He swept me off my feet and now I'm flat on my back so to speak. Just need to know is it just me or should I say sinara before I get in so deep I can't get out again...I'd really appreciate some one's view point on this...thanx!

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 2:22am
I can definitely understand the jealousy thing - my fiance and I have both dealt with it occasionally since our relationship started online and is now long distance. I don't know if what works for me will work for you, but hopefully I can help.

First of all, I think it is a mistake to think that an online relationship involves less emotion than any other. Just because you met online doesn't mean that you shouldn't care. I think feeling the way you do just means that you probably like him much more than the other guys you've met online and that is a good thing.

However, you definitely do need to deal with this issue before you guys can go much further. Meeting in person will help a lot - it is much easier to believe the things you are told when you can look into his eyes when you hear them. You can also see him in action - maybe he is just a flirtatious guy by nature or so friendly that people are just drawn to him. Obviously there is nothing wrong with the second, but the first would definitely make me uncomfortable. My guy is just so friendly that it is contagious.

Honestly, talking about it is the best way to get over it. Kelly's first marriage ended because of her infidelity, so he has serious trust issues. At first he needed lots of assurance, which I was willing to give, but then I told him that he just had to trust me. We talk about it often and now can even joke about it. But it took lots of coversations to get there.

I trust my guy completely and encourage him to go out and do things with guys or other women. And he encourages me to go out too. The distance thing is difficult enough without staying at home pining away for each other. We do that sometimes too, but keeping busy makes things much easier.

So basically what I would suggest... meet as soon as you can and until then, you just have to believe him when he says you are the only one. But do let him know that you are feeling a little jealous. Don't say it over and over, but just enough to let him know that you are aware of his friends.

Hope that helps and good luck!

-Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 5:50am
Hi and welcome!

I agree to Debbie completely about the trust thing and that it is important to courage the other one to do things alone when being in a Long-distance-relationship. Don't expect him to sit home alone all the time and just dream about you, that would be really unfair. And just out of curiosity, are you doing that or are you going out yourself? I guess as long as he tells you about and even quotes the talks he had, you don't have to worry at all.

I met Rob online in February and because he is in Canada and I am in Germany we have many things like that to deal with. E.g. because of the time difference he calls me to say goodnight just before he is getting ready to go out with his buddies. I know he is not going out for meeting other women and he knows I am not doing that for meeting other guys and we completly trust in each other. I also agree to Debbie that this is just possible because we have met in person two times since we know each other and have already confirmed that our online-feelings are real as well. Once you know he is not only telling you some nice things as long as you are in cyberspace or at the phone trusting should be easier than now.

Regarding the neighbour's daughter: I guess she has not just moved into the neighbourhood, right? So they should have had a long time already to get together if they both really wanted but they obviously didn't, so why should that happen just now? Always hold in mind that he has been "on the market" for a while but didn't find the right woman by now. The fact that he is more flirty right now may even have something to do with you. Perhaps you know this phenomenon from yourself, when you are in love and just feel good with yourself you walk through the streets a different way and more men than regularly notice you and try to flirt with you because you have a very positive and secure charisma. You may even somehow respond but not because you are interested in them just because you are in a good mood and want to share some of your happiness. Perhaps that's the same with him. Again, as long as he tells you about other women so frankly there is nothing you have to worry about!

So to cut a long story short, try to meet him more sooner than later and see if you two get along in person as well as online and then try to establish you relationship the way that you trust in each other. It will not work without, that's for sure. A little bit of jealousy may be a sign for deeper interest but too much of it is never healthy!

All the best for you!

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 9:05am
Well, first of all....anytime you meet someone on line, then to top it off they are not in your same area, it can pose as a LDR.(long distance relationship) I understand you have been flattered, but in my opinion since you two have never met, in person meetings take preference over you. I am not saying this girl is truly trying to get your guy or he is even interested, but the fact is if you have not met him, there is not a whole lot you can do. Even if you two had met, if there is someone else he finds more attractive or likes more, well good for him. Do not get jealous over things like this. IT will drive you insane. Do your own thing and do not put all your eggs in one basket. YOu deserve to meet someone in person ASAP! If he cannot do that, then maybe you should move on. I know he sent you roses, but it is still not his face you are looking at. Only flowers. It is a kind gesture, but do not get too swept away so early on. Meet him in person and before you get feelings involved, try and base it on that meeting and go from there. There should be no jealousy on your side just yet, since you have not met. Goodluck and I truly hope it works out for you.

Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 11:26am
Thanx Gail, I know it's stupid to act that way...I think it was just a spur of the moment emotion. It had been sort of a bad week for me so I took everything wrong. I usually don't act that way since I do know it's a long distance relationship, we haven't even met yet and it could lead to a dead end pretty fast. I'm realistic about it all...or at least I try to be. I'm usually pretty good at these long distance relationships since most of the time they're REALLY long distance so I pretty much know there isn't a chance on God's green earth anything will happen. I know most people travel to meet thier interent love but I neither had the time, the money or the ability. It was just some one to talk to and stuff. I've even met a guy once from my area...it went ok but no sparks. I guess with this guy I'm panicking a little. Like I said in my first message, I've only ever dated one guy. I didn't really have that many feelings for him and there really wasn't too much commitment required because I knew it was just a summer fling and we would go our seprate ways. This guy has the potential to be totally different, which is scaring me I think. I'm not sure whether I should be happy because he wants the commitment or scared out of my mind...lol. Part of me thinks "Yeah! I could do this!" but then another part of me thinks "I'm only twenty four! I swore I would never do this...I should be concentrating on going to school next year and blah blah blah!" all my feelings are conflicted and I think I'm a little confused which is why jealousy decides to jump into the fray...why not? I'm feeling everything else! LOL. It's sort of like emotional overload for me. Plus the fact that my parents are really excited about him and are hearing wedding bells. I've never seen them this excited about some one I've dated or even talked to. It's a surreal experience. All of it. I'm trying to get a grip but it's hard when everyone around you is as excited as you are about the whole thing and there's no one to slap you up side the head and tell you that this could all blow up in your face (figuritivly speaking of course). But we'll just have to see how it goes. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst...

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 2:49pm
I think you can have love feelings for a complete stranger (or a hershey's kiss, for that matter) but it sounds like what you think is love is really just your lack of self love revealing itself as irrational insecurities. Also, what is important to me in a relationship is how that person makes me feel about me - if you are feeling this insecure how can that be healthy?

He is of course allowed to talk with, date, have sex with - anyone he wants, and he should - you have no commitment to him, he is a complete stranger for purposes of a romantic relationship and to seek his promise to be "faithful" to me makes no sense until you meet and spend consistent in person time together.

I do not think you are insane, just suffering from low self esteem and unfortunately seeking out situations which seem to reinforce that. I hope you take a different approach/make different choices going forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:19pm
Deena...thanks for the advice...:). I've had self esteem issues in the past (when I was a teen, nothing serious but just enough to make me feel unworthy) but I'm pretty much over them. I don't know if you read the reply I gave Gail but it had been a bad week for me. Nothing was going right...I was tired and just frustrated in general. When I'm like that I take EVERYTHING the wrong way. I don't think straight. Like I said I'm normally not a jealous person. In fact now that I look back it doesn't bother me as much as I though it did. Most of the time I'm objective when it comes to these sorts of relationships. Or I try to be. I feel something for the man but I don't put every emotion I have into it because most of the time it doesn't work out. But this guy is different from the rest. He seems to be everything I've been looking for in a man and he seems pretty sensitve to my moods which I thought would be hard since I'm not a moody person...lol. But thanks so much for the advice...I like this message board...it's a nice back up when you have no one else to talk to and like I said before I've never been in touch with women in the same situation as me...it was such a relief to find this board:)...good luck with everything and I hope I can do the same for you one day:)

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 9:45pm
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:45pm
Mila, are things better for you now??? How is your guy?? Are you meeting soon???




Gail:)