HELP: In An Online Bind.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
HELP: In An Online Bind.....
34
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:26pm

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and also very new to online dating. For the first time I decided to try it out and set up a profile. A few months ago I met a guy and we hit it off right away personality wise. We decided to chat outside the site and swapped emails, pix, chatted and eventually got to the phone call stage sharing our lifes story. He has repeatedly told me that he is falling in love with me and has been patiently awaiting my response. I told him that I am also into him but I have major issues that I'm still dealing with from my last relationship. Anyway, we talk several times every day and have already started to make plans to meet in person. I am a very cautious person so it took awhile for me to get to the point where I would agree to it.
PROBLEM:
So last week he started telling me that he has completely fallen for me, thinks he has found his match etc... So I told him that it sounded like he was ready to pull his online profile down. He replied that it was a good idea and he would do it right away. Some of you may lash out at me for this but here goes:
I set up another anon profile on this site after some wacko threatened me because I wouldn't give him personal info. I decided to log into the site with this profile and saw that my guy friend had not closed his profile. He saw that I checked out his profile not knowing it was me and sent a notice that he was interested in meeting me. I went ahead and opened a discussion with him and he openly chatted. I asked him if he had met anyone interesting yet from the site and he said no. Of course I'm a bit insulted but know he is just trying to keep his options open, after all we are not in a committed relationship and have only gone as far as typing and phones will let us go. HOWEVER, I'm a bit put off that he said he was closing his profile for me and here he is still using it to find other women AND saying he hasn't met anyone worth his time. I know to some people this may seem a decietful way to obtain info on this guy but past relationships with pathalogical liars have left me a bit paranoid and non trusting.
I don't feel that this guy is a jerk or anything, I just want someone that can be up front and say "I would love to close my profile because I met you but still chat with other women".
I'm not sure what to do now that I'm on the other side of this online reality. Should I tell him that I know? If I share that I chatted with him while he thought I was someone else this guy might hoof it and I guess I would too if I were him so I don't think that's a good idea. It is just in the back of my head that he said one thing and did another. Is this a warning flag or am I making a big deal out of nothing???
Should I use my alias to find out more info on him or is it too shady?? I know that people are not always themselves online and am trying to take that into consideration. If I do decide to get involved with him is this a sign that I can't trust him???

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.
Thanks, Butters

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:53pm
I'd be very concerned about how many feelings he's been expressing. I'd be more concerned about that than the fact that his profile is still up. It sounds like he's running a con, seeing how many women he can get to fall for him by pretending he's falling for them. His motives for this are open to speculation. How is it possible to really fall for someone we've never met without A LOT of imagination, embellishments of what we think they are, etc.? Since he's keeping his options open, I doubt that he's daydreaming too much. I'd be very wary of this guy, personally. I've found that with dating as with everything else, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 12:38am

keep the second profile and get to know him better through it and decide whether he is worth your trust.

I met a guy thru OLD few times later we were in bed together. My friend had sent him a smile without knowing he is My guy so he emailed back saying she had the most beautiful eyes... he told me the same about my eyes! so they planed to meet on Sunday night. Sat he spent the day with me and part of the night when I asked him to go out on Sunday he said :
I m meeting with an old Girl friend of mine. it s been a while I havent seen her and this weekend her BF is out of town so we can meet... so my friend, realizing he is seeing me decided to blew him off! he calls me on Sunday night when he hasnt heard from her. Of course I refused to see him and downgraded him from potential boyfriend to friend with benefits once in a blue moon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 8:06am

I don't take anyone seriously I haven't met in person. I wouldn't care enough to go to the lengths you did to find out if he was serious or not. Because his overtures of falling for you are much too much, much too soon. That in itself is a red flag. How can you fall for someone you've never met? Now that you've set up a trap and know what you know, it's up to you to decide if you'd like to meet him. I'm not surprised by what he did at all. He can do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants. He's not exclusive with you. Plus, you don't really know him.

Honestly, I think I'd be done with him, throw him back in the sea and move on. This is not a good foundation to start something on from either side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:17am
I wanted to add that I can't say that I am physically attracted to him. I think that is the one thing that has allowed me to sit back and scrutinize him instead of falling for him like a silly school girl. We have had long extensive talks and seem to be very compatible as friends but he is pushing for more and for a reponse from me as to how I feel about him. Last night again he did this and I asked him what he thought I felt just to see what he would say. He said he thinks I feel the same way, very strong feelings but am afraid of committment. He kept on about about was he right etc... and I refused to answer. Meanwhile he is trying to chat with my alias which was logged on to a different instant messenger service (I didn't respond)
It's possible that I will be able to chat with him today with the alias. What would you suggest I try to find out and how? I have asked him lots of questions and his answers were pretty consistant except when it came to have you met anyone nice on the match site ect...
I'm trying to imagine if I were in his shoes, would I close my profile or would I continue to look for other matches and lie?
I think if I really felt that strongly about another person I would ignore other invites to hook up.
Any suggestions on what to do? Should I tell him I know he is a liar and blow him off? I honestly think at this point he might not let it go so easily especially where we have exchanged phone numbers and mailing addresses (I mailed him something and used my work address)
I'm starting to feel like I'm in over my head!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:30am

For what it's worth, I would get out of the "relationship" before it starts. I would not tell him you know he's been lying to you because that would blow the cover on your alias.

I would tell him (in your own name) that you have met someone else. Sure it is a lie, but he's been lying to you. The reason I suggest this lie is that you have given him your phone and other contact info. He is less likely to pursue you if he thinks you are "with" someone else.

In the "alias" name I would tell him that he is really not your type. End of story. Block him and ignore further communications.

As others have pointed out, this guy isn't worth your trouble. He is a player and he is taking advantage of the fact that you weren't in a hurry to meet in order to play you.

The guy you liked via e-mail does not exist. It is a made up construct. Let him go and try to meet some real guys.

Best,

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:33am
This whole thing is messed up. How can either of you discuss feelings about the other when you have NOT met yet? That makes no sense. I don't think you should call him on anything and I think you should dump the alias. As a long time online dater, I assume everyone is searching and talking to others. I don't see what the big deal is there. He probably says what he says to you to all the girls. Did that not cross your mind? You have two options: 1. meet him or 2. don't and block him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:43am

The other posters have given you great advice. Here's my take on it and it's what bothers me most about your story: This guy said he would do something he didn't do. Not only did he not do it, he freely is pursuing another girl. Now if his feelings were true, do you think that would be happening? And honestly, if I were you I would go into "well he's doing that because of ........" or "he didn't take his profile down because of ........." Don't make excuses for it.


This guy has shown himself to be untrustworthy. You can waste your time trying to figure out why or just put an end to the drama. You said in the past you've that you've dealt with a lot of liars--maybe this is your chance to learn how to get rid of them?


I would drop him now. It's just not worth it.


Hope this helps...


Kerry

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 1:07pm

Well, I would just blow him off without saying anything other than you don't think the two of you are a match after all. Too many red flags in my book (and to me, the whole saying he has feelings for you before you've even met is as a big a red flag as lying about taking his profile down).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 4:20pm
The less you give him to respond to, the better-off you'll be, I think. If he'll lie about one thing, no matter how stupid the thing, he'll lie about others. You don't have to feel obligated in any way just because you've been talking to him. You said you're not even attracted to him, right? It sounds like this guy has been manipulating your emotions. The more distance you put between you two, the better. In a couple of days, it'll be like he never even existed. I wouldn't worry too much that he has your phone number and work address. Exercise some caution if you think it's necessary but generally these people lose interest when there's no response. I would follow Sheri's advice, politely decline and block him. If you still have some feelings for this guy, give it a couple of days of no contact and see how you feel. Keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 3:48am

CAN OF WORMS.


Someone talked about this last week i think. Its decietful, of course, of you for doing it - & its decietful of him for saying what he is. WHERE do you go from here? I dont know. You both have broken trust. & you havent even MET. I woudl say, & Im sorry to say it, it sounds doomed to me. Its a horrible way to start off a relationship. Sorry!

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