HELP: In An Online Bind.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
HELP: In An Online Bind.....
34
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:26pm

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and also very new to online dating. For the first time I decided to try it out and set up a profile. A few months ago I met a guy and we hit it off right away personality wise. We decided to chat outside the site and swapped emails, pix, chatted and eventually got to the phone call stage sharing our lifes story. He has repeatedly told me that he is falling in love with me and has been patiently awaiting my response. I told him that I am also into him but I have major issues that I'm still dealing with from my last relationship. Anyway, we talk several times every day and have already started to make plans to meet in person. I am a very cautious person so it took awhile for me to get to the point where I would agree to it.
PROBLEM:
So last week he started telling me that he has completely fallen for me, thinks he has found his match etc... So I told him that it sounded like he was ready to pull his online profile down. He replied that it was a good idea and he would do it right away. Some of you may lash out at me for this but here goes:
I set up another anon profile on this site after some wacko threatened me because I wouldn't give him personal info. I decided to log into the site with this profile and saw that my guy friend had not closed his profile. He saw that I checked out his profile not knowing it was me and sent a notice that he was interested in meeting me. I went ahead and opened a discussion with him and he openly chatted. I asked him if he had met anyone interesting yet from the site and he said no. Of course I'm a bit insulted but know he is just trying to keep his options open, after all we are not in a committed relationship and have only gone as far as typing and phones will let us go. HOWEVER, I'm a bit put off that he said he was closing his profile for me and here he is still using it to find other women AND saying he hasn't met anyone worth his time. I know to some people this may seem a decietful way to obtain info on this guy but past relationships with pathalogical liars have left me a bit paranoid and non trusting.
I don't feel that this guy is a jerk or anything, I just want someone that can be up front and say "I would love to close my profile because I met you but still chat with other women".
I'm not sure what to do now that I'm on the other side of this online reality. Should I tell him that I know? If I share that I chatted with him while he thought I was someone else this guy might hoof it and I guess I would too if I were him so I don't think that's a good idea. It is just in the back of my head that he said one thing and did another. Is this a warning flag or am I making a big deal out of nothing???
Should I use my alias to find out more info on him or is it too shady?? I know that people are not always themselves online and am trying to take that into consideration. If I do decide to get involved with him is this a sign that I can't trust him???

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.
Thanks, Butters

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 8:01am

I basically got turned off to online dating because of men like this...what happened to you is the EXACT same thing that happened to me. The man I got involved with said the same thing--that he was going to take his profile off because he was just so in love with me. Well, he didn't remove it like he said. We met on match.com, but I found another profile he had up Yahoo personals too. I brought up the match.com profile, I wanted to know why he hadn't removed it, and he eventually did, but he didn't know I knew about his yahoo ad. I stayed quiet and purposely waited a few weeks, hoping he'd remove it. He never did. In fact, the guy had the gall to UPDATE it while he wad dating me and that included posting 3 or 4 more pictures that I had taken of him! That's when I told him I had busted him on Yahoo and it was really crappy on his part to update it and put new recent pictures of himself--ones that I took! He didn't know what to say, except that it was just 'entertainment' and I had blown it waaaay out of proportion. Yeah, okay, whatever!

To be honest, I don't know if he ever really removed the match.com profile entirely...I'm thinking he just made himself not visible except to women he contacted on the sly, which I'm sure he did behind my back. He knew I was on him and he just didn't want to get caught again. In my case though, we were in a relationship, we were dating and we had met. I thought it was a big-time betrayal, but you should've seen how he thought it was such an overreaction on my part. He was a sweet-talker, full of crap and believe me, he tried to be so convincing of how honorable his intentions towards me were. He promised me time and time again that it wasn't the way it appeared (it was), and he swore he wasn't a player at all. He was. I think A LOT of the men on dating websites are. It's just too easy for them to 'cheat'. It's too easy for them to meet other women and I think a lot of these men are addicted to the net. The thrill is seeing who responds and pursuing them. Once they get them, I think they get a little bored. I eventually broke up with this man, but I wasted too many months on him. Him lying about removing his profile to begin with should've been my clue that he wasn't an honest man at all.

In my opinion, meeting someone online is no different than meeting someone at a club. If you go with the intentions to meet someone you want to form a relationship with, once you find it, you're satisfied and don't go back to that club or website or whatever. If that person keeps going back there (online), it's because he's a player...not ready to settle down...not wanting to be exclusive...he's still LOOKING....he's still keeping his options opened. The problem is that going out to a club takes a lot of effort...you have to physically be there, you have to find the time, you have to dress for it, etc...finding a person online is easy, practically effortless for a man. He can do it anytime, log on and hide it from you. That's what worries me and discourages me from dating online again. And the fact that you're already going out of your way to 'bust' him is giving you a sneak peak of how life with this guy will be like--a big pain the butt for you. Also, the fact that he hasn't even met you in person is another red flag--he's a sweet talker. You can't love anyone you haven't met. Run for the hills, girl. He's a womanizer.

Dump him. Believe me, it won't get better. If he was truly smitten by you, he wouldn't be speaking to other women. If he was a one-woman man, he would want to focus on just one relationship at a time instead of flirting with you online while still keeping the doors open for any potential women who are looking for a relationship and might come his way in the future. What's he planning to do, keep you on the backburner till he finds someone 'hotter' than you and that's when he'll dump you? That's how I used to feel this guy was doing with me and I beat him to the punch. Dump him because #1 he's a loser and #2 because he's not deserving of you....and yeah, I'd tell him over the phone WHY. He's a player and you know it and guess what? He'll never admit it. Send him packing--consider yourself lucky that you didn't actually meet him. This is just MY story, but unfortunately, I've just heard of too many stories like this...it happens A LOT in online dating.




Edited 7/9/2006 8:08 am ET by amerissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 9:40am
amerissa,
your story is exactly what happened to me with a guy I dated off and on for about a year and a half. i was younger and more naive than i am now of course...looking back i can't believe i stuck around for it. what i should have realized was that a man like that won't change for a good woman...he has to have changed before he met her to be responsible with someone's heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 9:48am
Butters, Having been in a situation like this before, the most honest and direct response i can give you is, Don't get caught up in this. It isn't healthy in any way for a man to profess things like that before he's met you in person. he is mentally unstable to do this to you all before having met you. if i were you i would just drop him an email that you are not longer interested in pursuing anything with him, and then block him. move on. if he calls you, tell him neutrally what you told him in the email, and then get right off the phone. if he calls back tell him to stop calling you. keep your head level. there's no reason to get into any confrontation with him. have that kind of resolve and you will be fine. dont lower yourself one more minute by playing the game of luring him with another profile. you already know what you need to know. if it gets worse you will be just as responsible at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 2:48pm

I totally disagree on telling him you have met someone else.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 7:51pm
I think that you need to deal with your issues regarding the past relationship first and foremost. In my opinion he does have the right to keep his options open as you have yet to meet. He may very well be playing games but as you said the only untruth was if he had met someone online. What you are doing is devious and you are playing games as well. I say deal with your trust issues and any others that may be lingering from the past relationship and don't complicate it by getting involved online or otherwise until you feel you can move forward should the right person come along. It is not fair to you or the other person if you are not prepared to move forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:44pm
You two haven't even met yet and you asked him to take his profile down?
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:59pm

I agreed with Elsa 100%.

Let him go. You don't need to tell him you know he's a liar. Because liar always has his/her excuses. Don't tell him about your alias as well.

And trust me, he will move on to his next target at no time.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:13pm

Sheri,

You went thru this with me not too long ago... I've learned my lesson, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:36pm

yep, it happened to me too. And the guy is 54yo, with physical disability (slightly), shy and very "conservative" so he said.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:57pm

Wow, that is quite a bind! It's understandable why you feel the way you do, but to start the perverbial flow of energies between the 2 of you this way isn't good, IMO.

This is one of the great things about dating sites like Webdate. Since they employ video chats, this type of thing can be managed in a more public aren, leading to more up-front and honest exchanges on both parts.

Note that you didn't do anything "wrong" or deceitful it's probably better to find a way to let him know sooner than later.