HELP: In An Online Bind.....
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| Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:26pm |
Hi Everyone,
I am new here and also very new to online dating. For the first time I decided to try it out and set up a profile. A few months ago I met a guy and we hit it off right away personality wise. We decided to chat outside the site and swapped emails, pix, chatted and eventually got to the phone call stage sharing our lifes story. He has repeatedly told me that he is falling in love with me and has been patiently awaiting my response. I told him that I am also into him but I have major issues that I'm still dealing with from my last relationship. Anyway, we talk several times every day and have already started to make plans to meet in person. I am a very cautious person so it took awhile for me to get to the point where I would agree to it.
PROBLEM:
So last week he started telling me that he has completely fallen for me, thinks he has found his match etc... So I told him that it sounded like he was ready to pull his online profile down. He replied that it was a good idea and he would do it right away. Some of you may lash out at me for this but here goes:
I set up another anon profile on this site after some wacko threatened me because I wouldn't give him personal info. I decided to log into the site with this profile and saw that my guy friend had not closed his profile. He saw that I checked out his profile not knowing it was me and sent a notice that he was interested in meeting me. I went ahead and opened a discussion with him and he openly chatted. I asked him if he had met anyone interesting yet from the site and he said no. Of course I'm a bit insulted but know he is just trying to keep his options open, after all we are not in a committed relationship and have only gone as far as typing and phones will let us go. HOWEVER, I'm a bit put off that he said he was closing his profile for me and here he is still using it to find other women AND saying he hasn't met anyone worth his time. I know to some people this may seem a decietful way to obtain info on this guy but past relationships with pathalogical liars have left me a bit paranoid and non trusting.
I don't feel that this guy is a jerk or anything, I just want someone that can be up front and say "I would love to close my profile because I met you but still chat with other women".
I'm not sure what to do now that I'm on the other side of this online reality. Should I tell him that I know? If I share that I chatted with him while he thought I was someone else this guy might hoof it and I guess I would too if I were him so I don't think that's a good idea. It is just in the back of my head that he said one thing and did another. Is this a warning flag or am I making a big deal out of nothing???
Should I use my alias to find out more info on him or is it too shady?? I know that people are not always themselves online and am trying to take that into consideration. If I do decide to get involved with him is this a sign that I can't trust him???
I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.
Thanks, Butters

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The other thing is that I'm a single mom and he talks about how great it would be to meet my young kid. On his myspace profile he says he doesn't want kids and to my alias I set up as a woman with no kids he told my alias he preferred it that way. It seems as though he is trying to shape shift himself into being whatever he thinks will get the other person into him.
Many of you have gone out with guys like these it seems, he too said he was taking down his profile but he only has it hidden so he can contact other women.
Edited 7/10/2006 10:53 am ET by small_peanut2005
<< Many of you have gone out with guys like these it seems, he too said he was taking down his profile but he only has it hidden so he can contact other women. >>
But you haven't even met the guy yet. I think considering that, it is quite peculiar that he even agreed to take down or hide his profile. Doesn't sound like a guy who is interested only in getting laid. But you have to meet with him, talk in person, to find out what kind of guy he is. Or the other option, if you don't feel like it, is to stop communicating (telling him that it is not working out, or that you are pursuing other options).
Why would you even want to be friends with someone who has shown himself to be a liar?
Sheri
Why do you want to be friends with a liar?
I am not really upset or angry with him for it, I have never led him on and have been upfront with the fact I need to take things very slow. I was however very skeptical when he says one thing and does another.
We did make plans to meet in person actually, he is moving to my area this summer and said he put up the profile to meet new friends in my area. Even if I turn him down for romance I am willing to bet he will still want to meet with me. I am still debating whether I want someone in my life that is not trustworthy.
I was wrong about the myspace.com profile, he logged in just a couple weeks ago, not a couple months.
From all your responses I am feeling more and more like leaving the door open for anything with him would be a mistake. The thing is we hit it off so well when we aren't talking about sex or love that I grew to enjoy talking to him.
Sometimes it is hard to put things in perspective, especially when you are new to dating again, not just online but any kind of dating. I haven't been "out there" in 12 years.
<< We did make plans to meet in person actually, he is moving to my area this summer and said he put up the profile to meet new friends in my area. Even if I turn him down for romance I am willing to bet he will still want to meet with me. I am still debating whether I want someone in my life that is not trustworthy. >>
I think the most important thing at this point is that you don't even know the guy. You write that he admitted interest in you and promised to take down his profile, and then you discovered that he is only "hiding it." Well, maybe that's what he meant by taking it down. I think the main point is that you really can't demand or expect commitment or exclusivity at this point as you even haven't met the person. I don't see him as a "big liar" just because he happens to have a myspace account--he does not even live in your area, you have never met, why expect exclusivity from him?
In your first post, you write:
<< So I told him that it sounded like he was ready to pull his online profile down. He replied that it was a good idea and he would do it right away. >>
So you encouraged or told him to take down his profile, or even if he suggested it himself--I really don't think that he has thereby committed himself to not "chatting" to any other women online or having profiles or webpages on other sites. It would be absolutely unreasonable to expect or demand that--maybe you don't even like him when he finally moves to your area and you meet him?
He said he'd never heard of myspace when asked a direct question. That is a clear lie.
And regardless of whether he should have committed to exclusivity and taking his profile down (and I don't disagree with you that it was premature), he DID agree. He had the option of not agreeing...if you're an honorable person, you don't say one thing and do another.
Sheri
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