HELP: In An Online Bind.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
HELP: In An Online Bind.....
34
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:26pm

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and also very new to online dating. For the first time I decided to try it out and set up a profile. A few months ago I met a guy and we hit it off right away personality wise. We decided to chat outside the site and swapped emails, pix, chatted and eventually got to the phone call stage sharing our lifes story. He has repeatedly told me that he is falling in love with me and has been patiently awaiting my response. I told him that I am also into him but I have major issues that I'm still dealing with from my last relationship. Anyway, we talk several times every day and have already started to make plans to meet in person. I am a very cautious person so it took awhile for me to get to the point where I would agree to it.
PROBLEM:
So last week he started telling me that he has completely fallen for me, thinks he has found his match etc... So I told him that it sounded like he was ready to pull his online profile down. He replied that it was a good idea and he would do it right away. Some of you may lash out at me for this but here goes:
I set up another anon profile on this site after some wacko threatened me because I wouldn't give him personal info. I decided to log into the site with this profile and saw that my guy friend had not closed his profile. He saw that I checked out his profile not knowing it was me and sent a notice that he was interested in meeting me. I went ahead and opened a discussion with him and he openly chatted. I asked him if he had met anyone interesting yet from the site and he said no. Of course I'm a bit insulted but know he is just trying to keep his options open, after all we are not in a committed relationship and have only gone as far as typing and phones will let us go. HOWEVER, I'm a bit put off that he said he was closing his profile for me and here he is still using it to find other women AND saying he hasn't met anyone worth his time. I know to some people this may seem a decietful way to obtain info on this guy but past relationships with pathalogical liars have left me a bit paranoid and non trusting.
I don't feel that this guy is a jerk or anything, I just want someone that can be up front and say "I would love to close my profile because I met you but still chat with other women".
I'm not sure what to do now that I'm on the other side of this online reality. Should I tell him that I know? If I share that I chatted with him while he thought I was someone else this guy might hoof it and I guess I would too if I were him so I don't think that's a good idea. It is just in the back of my head that he said one thing and did another. Is this a warning flag or am I making a big deal out of nothing???
Should I use my alias to find out more info on him or is it too shady?? I know that people are not always themselves online and am trying to take that into consideration. If I do decide to get involved with him is this a sign that I can't trust him???

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.
Thanks, Butters

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:46pm

Yes, that's why I suggested just moving on without any discussion...he's not likely to tell you the truth about anything.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:47pm

Honestly I think you've spent enough time on this... let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:11pm

<< I'm tempted to tell him that I came across his profile on myspace and was curious why he told me that he never heard of it. I think however that I will probably here another lie. >>

Well then ask him directly, then you will know. Myspace is a social networking, not dating site, after all.

<< I roamed around the web a bit and found another profile of his on myspace.com. The profile hasn't been updated in a couple of months but I wanted to see if he would tell me. >>

Are you sure that it is his profile, after all, if you didn't even ask? Or maybe he meant that he is not active there any more.

Whatever he might have meant or said, the point here is that these expectations or demands for exclusivity and him not chatting online with other women are absolutely premature and unreasonable. Maybe he is a pathological liar, maybe these were misunderstandings, or maybe he made up some answers to please you (which he should not have done)--but the thing is that such expectation of exclusivity was unreasonable and wouldn't ever have worked in such setup--with a person who you never have met and who doesn't even live in your area. I don't think that you will find a different, "better" person who would agree to such arrangement. The only difference is that some people may say straight out that these expectations are unreasonable and they are not planning to follow them.




Edited 7/10/2006 3:35 pm ET by pimbiroo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:28pm
Okay... we've established that he is a pathological liar. WHY on earth are you still wasting time on him looking for more profiles and looking at his ebay items? I only say this b/c you haven't met him- It would be different if you two were already dating in person for a while when these lies happened, but not so. So I am wondering what about you makes you want to keep investigating him. Just let it go and move on. You said you have a child. The quicker you move on the quicker you'll find a good man who may end up part of your family. It won't be this guy. Are you just bored? Quit munching on the butterfingers, thinking about this loser. Remember you're a goddess :) He's clearly not friend material either.

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