Helping an ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Helping an ex
14
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:37pm
Anyone think it's strange that I helped my ex-h with his profile on yahoo personals and uploaded his pics for him? My friends all think that I am deranged. I just want him to be happy. He is a nice guy, it didn't work out for us...but that doesn't mean that I want him to be lonely; besides, I also have my kids to think about...as they are with him half of the week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:40pm
I just bought my ex $160 worth of Cirque tix -- so nope -- I don't think so....my main focus is maintaining a stable life for the kids. Anything that keeps them content is a good idea and basically making sure the ex is stable helps everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:48pm

I think you are very sweet and good hearted to do this. Would your friends prefer you to be angry at him? Nuts to them!

Every instance of goodness towards your ex will bring happiness to your children. And that's all that matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: ahappierme
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:50pm

I think that it is very sweet and admirable. It is great that you can remain friends and that you seem to have his best interest at heart. You probably know him better than anyone else and you can give him honest feedback. You want him to be happy and that is great. So many couples break up bitterly and want each other dead. It is better for you and your kids that you two can be friends.

But enough about him - what about you? Is he helping YOU find a date? :-)

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 9:01am
I'm good friends with my ex too. His GF is a wonderful person and nothing would make me happier than for them to get married and provide at least one two-parent house for my daughter to live in. I occasionally do favors for him as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:46pm

Stable is the operative word here! He was thinking that trying to chat with 20 something's that are NOT interested in chatting with a 40 something male was ok. I tried to gently inform him that if they want to look at you they will...but sending them a wink or email is more than likely going to get him a brushoff or worse.

I just want him to be happy, so that our children will be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:51pm
Yup, I was angry and disillusioned in the beginning; but that got me nowhere fast. Anger is such a negative emotion and we all need more positive vibes in our lives! I'm certainly not saying that I think positively about him all the time...but 60% is much better than it used to be! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:00pm

I think it is admirable that you helped him.

Michele
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:13pm

Well... no he didn't help me to find a date: however, he did just give me money to help me afford to go away for the weekend, knowing that I was going with a "friend".

The irony here is that the "friend" was a moronic idiot on the vacation (For some reason he spent a lot of time avoiding me: being asleep when I came to bed, staying up late after I went to bed, wanting to get frisky when I was sleeping..., taking off and going for a walk and not even telling me (We were in the Dominican Republic...not really safe for me to venture out alone to look for him,) also, we were with another couple that he had never met before and he spent a lot of time getting to know them!}...and I will not be seeing him again.

He has made no attempt to contact me and I have made no attempt to contact him; as he painted a very clear picture of disrespect for me and I don't need that in my life!

I am working on getting my finances in order, having fun with my children/family and friends, and learning to enjoy my own company.

Actually, now that I am thinking about it, he did suggest that I get together with the finish carpenter who had worked on our house...as it was pretty obvious that he liked me! Unfortunatley for me, there is no attraction for him on my part!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:23pm

Thanks Michelle,

I'm glad that I did help him, as he is a very intelligent guy, with a LD. He cannot spell for anything! However, I cannot do anything with electronics and he's a whiz! I know that I wouldn't really have looked at his profile if we had met online, as I am an English teacher and glaring mispellings used to really bother me. He had quite a few in his profile! However, I have since learned not to judge...as there are much worse traits than being a bad speller! I'll take a great hugger over a great speller anyday of the week.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: ahappierme
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 12:48am

I think it's great when people can get along with their ex's. I wish I spent more time with mine, as I really did and do care for her, but she kinda went psycho-hose-beast on me for a while so I've had to cut off contact with her.

About the only thing I'd say is that while it's fine to help him, there are areas that you can be very safe on and areas that might be a bit more... uncomfortable or not-quite-right. Getting him hooked up, it seems, would be an area where he should probably be putting in the work himself. :)

It'd be one thing to give him some good dating/OLD tips, and another thing to write his profile for him, pick and upload all his pictures, and so forth. If you're just helping him out a bit, but it's mostly him doing it, then it'll be HIS personality coming through in his profile; if it's mostly you doing it, then his profile won't really reflect HIM.

Hopefully that makes sense.

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