This is her story........NEED ADVICE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
This is her story........NEED ADVICE!!!!
5
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 4:55pm

Hi!

I am hoping you guys can help me. I have a friend and this is her story.

Lea met Grayson online, POF. She was only on there for one day and he swept her off her feet. He was Mr. Wonderful. He always called when he said he would, he was always where he said he would be. He did and said all the right things. 1 month into their relationship they became exclusive. 3 months into the relationship she introduced him to her 11 year old son. 4 months into their relationship he had to travel to Europe on business, for 3 weeks. It was a planned thing and she knew about it 6 weeks into their dating. Two days before he leaves, he asked her to marry him. She agreed. He went to Europe; they talked everyday, sent emails daily. She picked him up from the airport on a Saturday; they went out of town together for two days. She said he seemed distant, and when she asked, he told her it was nothing, just a little jet lag. They returned to the 'real world' Tuesday morning and he called her and told her he quit his job b/c they wanted him to return to Europe and he refused. She was shocked, but supportive. She talked to him on Wednesday and Thursday, made plans for Friday. She never heard from him at all Friday. She tried to call but he would not answer. He did not call her at all Saturday. Sunday he sends her a text message saying he needs some space. She calls him and tells she needs to see him. She had to leave him a message. He texts her back and says I am not ready don't push me to be. She calls and leaves him another message asking for some kind of explanation, some closure. He calls her back when he knows she can't answer the phone (she was at church) and leaves her a message telling her he still loves her and doesn't want it to be over, he just needs a couple of weeks.

WTH???????????????????

OMG!!! Lea is devastated. She is eating Ativan like M&M's. Has anyone heard of this??? I don't know what to say to her or how to help her. Did she get dumped? If not, what in the world could be going on in this man's life that he would need space from someone he claims to love and wants to spend the rest of his life with?

My DH has some connections and I found out he is a convicted felon, for credit card theft. I called his former place of employment pretending to verify employment b/c our company was thinking of hiring him. The HR lady, who is the co-owner practically, told me not to hire him due to embezzlement. I also found out he has an upcoming court appearance for credit card theft, again. Lea knows she dodged a bullet, but it is not helping her accept what happened. She needs closure and needs it badly.

Anyone want to guess what happened??? Or give me some advice on how to help her heal???
I am out of ideas and need some new ones.

Thanks so much in advance!!!

Logan

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:23pm

No need to guess! Is she trying to figure out if he cared for her but left her to avoid hurting her worse due to his legal problems, or if he just played her and never cared for her at all?

Reality; if a guy is this delusional, even he could not know for sure if his feelings were genuine. She needs to see him so that he can put on a show for her to demonstrate that he DID care for her and it was all his fault, or that he DIDN'T care for her and it was all his fault.

Either way, it was all his fault. What more does she need to know?

This sounds like Sawyer and Kate backstories on LOST. How do they know if they are capable of truly loving someone? They don't.

sooooobig
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:36pm

I'm sorry for the pain your friend is going through. I'm a little shocked, though, that her antennae weren't WAY up at the fact that he moved so, so quickly.

Do people really not realize how HUGE of a red flag that is?

People who come on that strong are either have an unhealthy fantasy view of relationships, or they are up to something. In fact, it's a common pattern for controlling, abusive men to do this so they can "hook" a woman before she catches on.

If it seems to good to be true it probably is, so people need to exercise a healthy dose of skepticism early on (first 4-6 months *at least*).

I hope she learns from this lesson--it's a hard one to learn but it's necessary.

A couple books that might help her realize she's not alone:

He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter (about how people with commitment issues are often the ones who come on the strongest early on)

101 Lies Men Tell Women by Dory Hollander

When Your Lover is a Liar by Susan Forward

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:42pm

If you wouldn't have put names in your post, I would have thought this guy was my ex :)!

IMO, he sounds like a sociopath. The intense start of the relationship, jumping from job to job, obvious money and legal problems...those are all HUGE telltale signs. If you Google "sociopath", you will see that they are people that have no real feelings- meaning they don't experience guilt or empathy. Everything is a game and everyone is someone to manipulate to get what they want. Once they use you, they walk away and never look back. Kinda sounds like what this guy did.

I'm not an expert but I went through all of this w/my ex. Only after we broke up and he owed me money did I find out about his past and all the people he had hurt- including his own family. I know you said your friend realizes she "dodged a bullet" but that is an understatement! That's what she needs to focus on. Unfortunately, with people like this, you aren't going to get closure. That would require them to have real feelings like real human beings and they don't. It's hard to accept but she needs to NEVER contact him again and completely cut him out of her life and learn from her mistake.

And- she should make plans as soon as possible to see a therapist. It helped me tremendously. She really needs to figure out what made her jump into- and stay in- a situation that sounds like it had a LOT of red flags.

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:31pm
Your friend must be so devastated. I'm so sorry this happened. Sheri recommended the book, When Your Lover Is a Liar; This book helped me through the denial and heartache I went through with an X, and I recommend it as well. When you are in the midst of the pain it is hard to conceive that just cutting ties is the best thing to do, but it is. The man has serious problems and it is best if she is not dragged further in emotionally.
Sociopathic people feel no remorse to manipulate and play games with peoples emotions, trust and overall mentality. Sociopaths only look to people as something they can utilize for a while, a means to an end.
I'm so sorry this happened. That fresh feeling of love and having found the person you'd want to spend the rest of your life with suddenly devastated by what he's done and the reality of the situation is so tough. You are a good friend to seek out support for her. Please continue to do so. She will need lots of support during the next few weeks while she sorts it all out.
((Hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 10:05am
Maybe Lea's credit line did not impress him as much as he had hoped. Maybe he stole what he could from her already and did the same thing to another person in Europe while he was there. I think it is as simple as she got duped, and she has to allow herself time to move on.
E