Here we go again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Here we go again.
17
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:09am

So here we go. Another question. My guy who is 23 and I am 30, hasn't written to me since yesterday. I think I really did it this time. We've been talking for a few months and already he is telling me he loves me. We haven't even met yet. We haven't even spoken on the phone. So on Monday it was his 23 b-day and I knew he was going out with his buddies. No problem so I thought since he was out I would call his house and say hi and happy birthday on the message centre. Just a little surprise for him when he got home. Well I was the one who got a surprise. A woman answered the phone, she sounded older, so I asked for someone other than my friend, a different name, she laughed and told me I had the wrong number. So then I started thinking maybe he lives at home not alone like he said. What if everything he's said so far is BS. I hate thinking this way but I don't want to like him any more than I do and find out it's not true. I've been hurt bad in the past and I'm so nervous about being hurt again. I need to let that go. He wrote back and said it was his step mom there to let his dog out. He just thought it was funny but then realized I was serious. He said he knows how he feels about me and that he wants me but he doesn't know why things have to be so complicated. He then said he doesn't know about somethings. That was it..he didn't say anything else. I've been waiting to talk to him on messenger for a long time but he hasn't been on. He signed off that he loved me and missed me. I don't know what to think. I miss talking to him and I want things to work. I've written several messages apologizing for being quick to assume but he hasn't written. It's a mess I know. We're doomed aren't we? I'm overreacting to things b/c I'm scared. He seems so good. Help
LittleRocket

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:59am

There are so many issues and red flags in your situation, I can't even decide where to begin, so I'm just going to wish you good luck.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:35am

Lil-


Let me start...


1-He is 23 and you are 30.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:53am

Certainly a lot of red flags but:-


1-He is 23 and you are 30.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:31pm

LR, you do not have a relationship with this guy no matter what it might seem. A relationship does not start until the two of you have met and spent time together. There is no way he can truly love or "know how he feels about" you because you don't even know each other! I don't know how many times I have had great chemistry with someone online or on the phone to meet in person and find there is nothing there.

Not only that, but there are a LOT of red flags. The age is an age difference which is a problem for a lot of people. As long as you are comfortable with it, then that is your issue. But it does sound like he is still in that "partying with the boys" stage of his life. Some guys never get out of it but if you are not the type that likes to do that, then you need to think about that and if you can handle it.

To me, it does sound as if he still lives at home. I'm sorry, but if I were just over at someone's house letting the dog out, I would not answer the phone! Even if it was a relative's house! I would always let the machine get it. If you want, you can do a "reverse phone look up" on Google and it will tell you the name the phone is registered under. Or go to reversephonedirectory.com. Honestly that someone can get that info about me online from my phone number is frightening, but it can be useful too. See if the number is under his name or someone else - could be his parents.

Last, you need to back off. I know you miss talking to him, but for whatever reason, he doesn't want to talk right now. The more you keep after him, the more uncomfortable he will get. Guys like the chase and to be the pursuer - he will call if/when he is ready to. Chances are, he is not mature enough to handle this right now.

Keep in mind that just because he seems good in IM and in email, doesn't mean much. Until you actually get to know someone in person, you don't know them at all and sometimes not even then. If you hear back from him, suggest actually meeting ASAP. This has gone on WAAAAAY too long if you have been communicating a few months without meeting. We all have our own timeframes, but even those that like to take it slower and talk a whil will tell you that a few months is far too long to go without meeting. Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:11pm

Hi,

The "why do things have to be so complicated?" he threw down is Def a speed bump to make you feel guilty for Even asking questions you Surely Should be asking..Run, Forrest, Run. I would bet the bank that he is lying about where he lives, and how he lives. Right now, he is freezing you out to 'punish' you, so you won't even Think about challenging him again. When you back off and there is silence, he will move back towards you. TOO much gaming and this is clearly manipulation.

Please move on and find someone who, as it is Always said here, wants to meet you within a reasonable amount of time. Without honesty, trust and friendship, there IS no love. Plus, WAS it even his birthday, or an excuse to go out?.... and meanwhile, you sit and think and feel jealous/hurt, so you crave his next contact.

This can lead to no good. Walk away now, with your heart intact.

Truly,
Cupcake

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:16pm

Since you're asking for advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:30pm

PHX Mama,

YoU are GOOD! Please take Every word of her advice, asap!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:31pm

I meant to say "maturity level may not be compatible" ( as in face to face..head on relationship).

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:48pm

Girl - that last bit is AWESOME! So many of us are so afraid of getting hurt that we don't even try in relationships or we keep people at arms' length because we are so afraid of getting hurt. I had a b/f once that broke up with me b/c he said that he didn't like relationships because there were so many things out of his control and that he didn't want to get hurt or be out of control of anything. I had to say to him "then you are not really LIVING because there are always things that are out of our control and we are always going to be hurt and things will go wrong, but if you don't experience them, you don't grow and learn and become a better person."

But I think I could learn from my own thoughts and yours sometimes! My guy I am seeing now is very sweet and attentive and has NEVER let me down. But I still have this nagging feeling based on my last relationship because he hurt me so badly and let me down. I just keep expecting the bomb to drop with my current guy and for him to break my heart. I keep reminding myself that he is NOT the last guy and that he deserves to stand on his own merit! It's tough, but we all should do that. Learn from what we've been through, but don't allow it to cloud our judgement about others and new relationships.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:17pm

PM, that last part of your post was excellent!!! Where were you a couple years ago when I needed to hear that, instead of me having to figure it out on my own ;)

Holly

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