He's become verbally abusive to a degree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
He's become verbally abusive to a degree
18
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:56pm

Well I have hunkered down to ride out the month with my co-worker. Last week I was off work sick and while I was gone they moved him to a new desk which is now about 20 yards from me and in the line of fire. Before he was out of sight and that worked real well. We have talked at length about his "numbers" and what he needs to do to keep his job and I have not mentioned it to him again. He is completely stressed out and not eating. He is diabetic (2) and he came by to see me yesterday at my desk and was downright mean. I asked him how his new seat was he reminded me that I had already asked that question in a snotty tone. (I text him last week when I was off and one of the things I asked if he moved or not). Then we talked about this show he is over the moon about (Heroes) and I haven't seen it so I mentioned that it sounded good that I was intrigued. He got real smart assed with me about whether or not I watch it it didn't matter to him but later in the conversation he advised that I watch the 1st 4 episodes and he will fill me in on the rest. Then he informed me that with the anxiety so high he hasn't been eating and I made it real clear that with his diabetes that isn't a good thing. I also informed him that as usual he forgot his medic alert bracelet.

I know this relationship is done.....but I know that I can't just ignore this man with all of what he is going through. The Sunday after he informed me that he was written up I called him as I promised. I let him know that I was in the middle of something and that I wanted to call because I said I would. He started a discussion about his childhood and parents and it went real deep. After 45 minutes of this discussion and right in the middle of the conversation he stops. He then said...."You have something to do and I have games to play online and I didn't want to get involved in a heavy discussion like this". I was speechless!! He started the whole thing. I had no idea what to say...he would say..."what?" or "just say it" but I was speechless. Finally I said.."I have something to do and you have your games to play....and I hung up the phone. At that point I deleted him completely from my phones and it was done. OVER!!! He called back about an hour later. (I know I shouldn't have answered but I did). He asked if I wanted to play dominos with him. We always have fun playing online games together. We spent 2 hours playing Dominos and we had a blast. He was hilariously funny, sweet and kind and at some point was singing love songs to me. We laughed so hard my face hurt. This is why I stick around. At this point though it's just not enough anymore.

Now since he's moved desks I get to watch him clean out his desk when that time comes. This whole things is kicking my butt health-wise. I don't call him nor do I text him anymore. Whatever contact we have he makes. But I miss him......won't lie about that. And I am scared for him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

F

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:40pm

While my last "guy situation" was not exactly like yours, I can certainly see how this guy's stress level is making it very hard for you to remain friends with him (or anything more).

My last guy found out he was diabetic within only a few weeks of us starting to date. Even though both of his parents were/are diabetic, he took the news very hard. I think he anticipated it not happening until he was much older. He had Type II which is the same kind his Mom had. Since she lost weight, she is no longer diabetic. He never wanted to talk about weight loss and carried around a tremendous amount of anger about his condition.

His diabetic "condition" also inhibited what little sex life we had. Another thing he was in denial about. Then, when the custody deal came up, he completely lost what little drive he did have about our relationship.

In the end, he left town and did not even bother to tell me he was leaving. I really thought the guy was bound for a nervous breakdown, and in the end, maybe that was really what happened. He went back to his supposedly "horrible" estranged wife probably more due to the custody deal than anything, but he is so "damaged".

I think it's hard to know when to cut ties with someone. But the thing is I think it's hard to cut ties with someone when they seem to be down on their luck. Sometimes nothing you can say or do is going to help them. They have too many problems in order to be a good boyfriend or friend to anyone. If Mark had been more upfront with me about what was going on in his mind, I would be a lot less bitter about things now. For most of the summer I was hoping he would "see the light" and come back to his senses AND to me. Now, it is far too late for anything to be salvaged there. The guy was simply too immature to deal with "life" AND a relationship.

Don't let yourself be suckered into friendship on "his" terms only though. He may be having problems at work, but I'm sure you cannot fix them just like I could not fix Mark's problems. People who have crisis issues going on in their lives are not usually good dating material.

I have posted before about how so many men online are not up to dating. If a guy is having job problems, is going through a divorce, &/or having custody issues, chances are good he is not going to be able to give a relationship the necessary time and attention. At the least, they are not likely to make a woman feel very valued if their mind is elsewhere. I know it will be hard, but try to emotionally distance yourself from this guy without making it look like you dislike him. I fear you being jerked around emotionally because he can't handle other aspects of his life. I have been there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:40pm

Thanks for your response. It's hard because I want to be there for him because somewhere deep down inside he is a great guy. His crisis has affected all aspects of his life and it's time he takes responsibility for himself and extend himself to help him out of some difficulties. e.g. His engine light in his truck has been on for months and he has no intentions on having it checked until it breaks down on him. AARRGGHH!!

He's going down and he will hit rock bottom if he loses this job. I worry about his health until he can prove himself and today he isn't here. I can't worry about why he isn't here because he is gone alot with his own health issues.

They sure run circles around people when they are ailing don't they??? Someone overheard his tone and later told me that I should be encouraged because if he didn't care about me he wouldn't be verbally abusing me. GO FIGURE!!! I look at this man and see a little boy....so sweet and innocent. When it's good it's amazing but lately it's been real bad and getting worse. I can't go down with his ship!!

F

Thanks again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:52pm

You need to remember you can't save him, nor is it your job or responsibility to do so, and do what you need to in order to maintain your own emotional equilibrium. If that's detaching, then that's what you need to do. Don't get so caught up in his issues that you forget to take care of yourself and go down with his ship, as you say.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:12pm

The diabetes thing can cause real Jekyl and Hyde behavior - it does for me.

I have a deal with family and close friends - when I'm being a witch for no reason, they tell me to check my glucose. It's usually running high when I'm like that. It's a horrible feeling - it's like you are trapped in your body and someone else has control of what's coming out of your mouth. Ever see Being John Malkovich?

But regardless of the potential reasons for his behavior, it's become a toxic situation for you...so you need to eliminate him from your life. I know it'll make you sad and I know it'll be hard...but you need to put yourself first here. You worry about him because you're a good person and a good friend, but you can't continue to have this impact you so much that your own health is damaged.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:13pm

I can only imagine that you do want to help this guy. I so badly wanted to help Mark with his life problems. Trouble was, even if I had had some great advice for him, he was not going to listen. It is almost like he made the very worst decisions he possibly could for his future and his daughter's future. He has continued to snub his sister and has never contacted me again (not since June). He pushed away the very people who cared about him. It sounds like that is what your friend is doing as well.

I agree with Sheri, you cannot save this guy. He has to want to help himself. It is very hard for women to not want to help a guy we think is basically good deep down. That is the way I felt about Mark as well.

However, if you are always anxious and feel like you have an anchor tied to your leg, that is the red flag that you are taking on "his" stress. I did this with Mark too. I can't begin to tell you how helpless I felt with things. I was angry that life had thrown him these problems, but they were problems only he could solve.

In retrospect, I can now see that Mark had a history of making snap judgement decisions with little or no thought to the consequences of those decisions. However, he has made his own decisions and now he's going to have to live with them. You may have to take on that mentality if he does lose his job--there is really nothing you can do. I know it's hard. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:59pm

I agree Sheri!! I stopped wanting to save him months ago. Like I said I am detached but I try not to let him know at this point because I don't want him hurt or wounded. It's tough because we work together. It would be easier if he was across the room again or if we didn't work together but that wish might come true and I wouldn't wish it because I don't want him to lose his job.

NEVER again with someone I work with.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:02pm

Thanks for the insight into the glucose vs. mood swings. He is so odd sometimes with that much like the afternoon we talked on the phone and he stopped right smack dab in the middle of a conversation and pushed me away. It was wild.

Thanks again!!

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:26pm

Fluffy, two practical things I know. One, low blood sugar would make Mother Theresa vicious. Know how you feel grumpy if you take a nap? That's low blood sugar. He's gotta eat, stressed or not. Diabetics can have high blood sugar after a meal, but can also really crash without eating.

Second, almost always when the "check engine" light is on in the car it's because there is air flowing over the gas in the gas tank. He needs to fill it to the max, put the gas cap on tight and see if the light goes off. I grew up with car freaks...what can I say. I know a lot about cars.

Hang in there. Protect yourself on this one. I don't know why men are so resistant to help and would rather self-destruct. I guess it's kind of like asking directions when you are driving. We gals are able to do it, men just can't. You need to be there for him "lightly" and consistently, but not at your own expense.

Tell him to eat or his grouchiness will alienate all of his friends. Plus fainting while driving is not a good thing. Little snacks, lots of proteins!

Keep us posted.

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:00pm

F ... I have a few quotes here that I want you to think about:


"When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:01pm
OMG!?!!?

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