He's become verbally abusive to a degree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
He's become verbally abusive to a degree
18
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:56pm

Well I have hunkered down to ride out the month with my co-worker. Last week I was off work sick and while I was gone they moved him to a new desk which is now about 20 yards from me and in the line of fire. Before he was out of sight and that worked real well. We have talked at length about his "numbers" and what he needs to do to keep his job and I have not mentioned it to him again. He is completely stressed out and not eating. He is diabetic (2) and he came by to see me yesterday at my desk and was downright mean. I asked him how his new seat was he reminded me that I had already asked that question in a snotty tone. (I text him last week when I was off and one of the things I asked if he moved or not). Then we talked about this show he is over the moon about (Heroes) and I haven't seen it so I mentioned that it sounded good that I was intrigued. He got real smart assed with me about whether or not I watch it it didn't matter to him but later in the conversation he advised that I watch the 1st 4 episodes and he will fill me in on the rest. Then he informed me that with the anxiety so high he hasn't been eating and I made it real clear that with his diabetes that isn't a good thing. I also informed him that as usual he forgot his medic alert bracelet.

I know this relationship is done.....but I know that I can't just ignore this man with all of what he is going through. The Sunday after he informed me that he was written up I called him as I promised. I let him know that I was in the middle of something and that I wanted to call because I said I would. He started a discussion about his childhood and parents and it went real deep. After 45 minutes of this discussion and right in the middle of the conversation he stops. He then said...."You have something to do and I have games to play online and I didn't want to get involved in a heavy discussion like this". I was speechless!! He started the whole thing. I had no idea what to say...he would say..."what?" or "just say it" but I was speechless. Finally I said.."I have something to do and you have your games to play....and I hung up the phone. At that point I deleted him completely from my phones and it was done. OVER!!! He called back about an hour later. (I know I shouldn't have answered but I did). He asked if I wanted to play dominos with him. We always have fun playing online games together. We spent 2 hours playing Dominos and we had a blast. He was hilariously funny, sweet and kind and at some point was singing love songs to me. We laughed so hard my face hurt. This is why I stick around. At this point though it's just not enough anymore.

Now since he's moved desks I get to watch him clean out his desk when that time comes. This whole things is kicking my butt health-wise. I don't call him nor do I text him anymore. Whatever contact we have he makes. But I miss him......won't lie about that. And I am scared for him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

F

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 8:44pm

I agree!! I do make excuses but the issue at hand is we work together. I don't want to make this miserable for either of us. If I were to say that I don't appreciate how he is treating me or if I make a big deal about this then it would make it awkward and I don't want that. We can still have fun as coworkers and I just need to detach my heart but his tone makes it a bit easier. I appreciate your advice and YES I make plenty of excuses for him. The abusive tone has just started over the course of the few weeks and prior to that he was always and overtly respectful towards me.

AND YES the gal that said that his tone is an indication that he cares definitely needs therapy. I think she was trying to make it easier on me.

He is crashing and burning slowly and its painful to watch. I still care about him and wish it could be different.

F

Thanks again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 5:55am


'...I know this relationship is done.....but I know that I can't just ignore this man with all of what he is going through'

Sigh..

1 - according to what you wrote before, there never was a relationship. You had a crush on him. That was all.
2 - I have asked you this before but you never replied; as you're again talking about this man, I am again asking you: why do you think that anything that happens or doesn't happen in his life, his health, his emotions, his job problems, his moods etc etc has anything at all to do with you? He is not your boyfriend, or relative, or even a close friend. He is a co-worker who you had an unreciprocated crush on. Why can't you let go? Do you not have anything/anyone else to focus on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 6:11am


'...The guy was simply too immature to deal with "life" AND a relationship;.

I am not saying this is what happened in your case; in MY experience, 'immature to deal with life AND a relationship' is usually a coward's way of getting out of saying 'you are ok, but you are not IT, so farewell'. Again I repeat, this is MY (extensive) experience, and I am not saying this is what happened in your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 9:42am

I do believe Mark cared about me, but he went back to a bad situation mostly to remedy a custody fight. I am sure I am much better off without him. The reality of it was that I thought "I" was the better catch than he was, but I did care about him and continue to feel bad with the way things ended. If it were not for his life problems, I actually do believe we would still be together. There was more good than bad during the 3 1/2 months we were together. But, I doubt that he will ever get his act together. I have remained friends with his sister (who has not seen or talked to him since mid-May when he left). He blames her for some of the custody (childcare issues). I do believe I dodged a bullet here, but sometimes it is very hard not to think that it did not have to be this way. Men simply do not handle life issues the way women do. Because of that, a lot of men will continue to appear to be immature, selfish and self-centered and women will continue to be hurt in the process, regardless of what the root of the problem is.

And in defense of the OP, I will say that whether her feelings for this co-worker/friend were returned or not, men can play mind games with our hearts and minds. You start to care just enough to get hurt later when the guy starts acting like a jerk. What makes it harder is the fact that she has to see and work with the guy. That would be a very hard pill to swallow for most of us.

And while in some ways, I have moved past my bad experience with Mark, I have also not found anyone else to share my life with. It is only human nature to look back and wonder how or why things were not different. Sad to say, but sometimes a new guy helps you forget about the old one or you can view them in a different light than before.




Edited 11/9/2006 9:48 am ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 10:06am

I didn't initially respond to your post because you don't know the whole story. Not at all. If I posted the entire saga here it would take hours to type.

Sure it started out as a crush and we were set up by a fellow co-worker a year ago. It never developed into anything romantic but we are very close friends and co-workers. And I will not abandon a friend.

Pure and simple.......

F

p.s. I believe your previous response and this one was made out of hostility and with very little thought to wanting to offer some sound advice which is another reason why I avoided answering your questions. Never pretend to truly know all of the story.

Edited 11/9/2006 10:10 am ET by fluffybuttdiva

Also...when we first discussed our feelings towards each other he indicated he wanted to work on seeing what we could be. I just think he just didn't have it in him to go further. We talk about our feelings at length when things are good and I know how he feels about me so even though he isn't capable or willing to pursue this in the manner in which I desire doesn't mean that I should consider him someone that isn't anyone in my life as you insinuated.

AARRGG!! Please stop me because I don't have to defend myself to anyone. I don't need this.




Edited 11/9/2006 10:21 am ET by fluffybuttdiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 10:28am
No, I didn't mean to be hostile at all. I just couldn't help but - how can I put this - cringe and go 'ugh please don't' on your behalf. 'It never developed into anything romantic'. There we go. This person may be important to you, but he shouldn't be - because you are not important to him. He hasn't asked for anything of you. Stop making a huge deal out of what is not and should not be your problem in the slightest. I have been there, and believe me, looking back... I make myself sick, I cannot believe I could have been so incredibly astoundingly naive and stupid. I ask myself one simple thing: who requested your worry and concern and desperate attempts to help? Noone. He most certainly didn't. Why were you so pathetic and totally failed to see that you were not needed and should have saved yourself some nervous cells? The only reason I replied is because I have been there, and truly, my advice to you is to try and meet someone else you can have a proper relationship with so that this whole saga ends.


Edited 11/9/2006 10:32 am ET by juliasuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:09am

I agree with what you are saying and I am screaming every single day in my head what the heck am I doing? But I care about this man and it breaks my heart to see him self destruct right before my eyes. I no longer call or initiate any contact with him and I think it's so blatantly real because I see him every single day. I am a smart mature woman who knows that these types of men are bad for anyone's psyche which is why all the cries of support and advice beecause I sometimes don't understand why I am doing this to myself as well. I know better......

As far as finding someone else I don't have a problem there. He isn't the only fish in my pond at this point. But in order to truly be healthy to move forward with someone else I have to be truly finished with this man. It wouldn't be fair to move forward with someone else without this being resolved in my heart. I have a great man who is all too familiar with my relationship with my co-worker and he is patiently waiting till I am ready to move forward in order to pursue something other than a friendship with me. I have posted here about him because I met him on the computer and unfortunately he lives 3000 miles away but we are both willing to be open to a long distance relationship if after we meet face to face (hopefully in March) and find that this is definitely something we both want to continue to pursue in a romantic way instead of a strong friendship.

I do appreciate your advice and warnings!!! Don't misunderstand me when I say that seeing this in other people I would say the same things. I make plenty of excuses why I have taken this on but I have known this man for 6 years and watching him self destruct is difficult. I have many of great loving relationships and I feel strongly for every single one of them even if they don't deserve it. He has only been real grouchy with me for the past 2 weeks and have not "seen" this behavior for the whole year. If I had I would never have continued this to this point. He has always been completely respectful and courteous to me almost overtly. He is famous around here for his wit and humor (a total crack up) and his teasing is legendary. He NEVER teased me in the way he did with others and I always asked him why and he said he didn't know why. He is much loved around here and if everyone knew his job was in jeopardy they would be equally as heartbroken as I am. He's that guy you work with that is loved by all.

Enough about this. I am close to getting past this. I appreciate your advice and I respect that you've been there and know first hand how stupid I will feel in about 6 months wondering why I even gave him the time of day.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:21am

Yikes, I think we have all been there, that's why it's so hard to watch someone else go through this.

I made up my mind a long time ago that I won't get involved with "fixer-uppers", or men that are somehow "lost" or needy. And, as Julia said, in a lot of these cases when a man says he's not available for a relationship due to financial, child, health problems, etc, he usually would like to qualify that with "not with you," if only he had the b**** to say so. Or else he really is screwed up and just isnt relationshop material for anyone.

However, most of the time, it's the former.

I wish the book "He's Just not that into you" had been written years ago. It is so, so true.

That said, Fluffy, I wish you well and you are absolutely correct when you say this is something you just have to go through. Hindsight is 20/20.

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