He's interested one day, not the next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
He's interested one day, not the next.
3
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:35pm

I recently posted a similar thread on another board, but had little luck there. Part of my problem seems to have resolved itself, but part has not and it is more related to this board anyway, so I'll pose my dilemma here.

I recently met someone online. He intrigues me, and that doesn't happen often. Let's call him J. J is so intelligent and talented. He is 19 and will be a junior in the fall at a university that my parents desperately tried to get me to apply to (I'm 18), but I didn't because I wanted to go away for school. The guy is absolutely brilliant and gorgeous. He's an aspiring poet and playwright, and his work, from what I have read, is absolutely amazing. He's somewhat of a Romantic (by which I mean those who rebelled against the complacency of the 18th century, like Byron or Keats) but with the flair of Dante and Shakespeare.
The catch? He is horribly shy. He was supposed to call me Monday afternoon, but backed out. However, Monday night we talked on the phone for two hours, which was awesome. He mentioned that we should go out for coffee on Wednesday. I said that sounded great. Tuesday night rolls around and I asked him if he still wanted to go out for coffee the next afternoon. He said he was too nervous, and I said that was ok and that I hoped I didn't come across as being pushy. He was distant the rest of the evening. He has not spoken with me since.
I'm confused. He initially brought up the phone call and getting together for coffee, not me. He sounded REALLY interested. At one point before he started being distant he told me that I should not desire for him to be more interested in me than I was willing to be in him. I asked him if he thought I was playing with him. He asked me if I was, and I said no. Then he said he didn't think I was, but he just wanted to make sure. He also expressed the fear that I would stand him up, and I said I had absolutely no intention of doing so. Monday he made the comment that it was too bad I didn't live on the way to his work (he lives about half an hour from me, and his work is about an hour in the opposite direction) because it would make going to work so much more tolerable if I did because we could get together before hand. So again, him mentioning wanting to meet me. He even came up with a really good story as to how he could have met me since my parents would have an entire dairy farm (forget just a cow) if they found out we met online. And then he backs out? I can perfectly understand him backing out. I would not want him to be uncomfortable, but now he is ignoring me. I sent him an e-mail on Thursday saying that I hoped I had not offended him in some way or made him uncomfortable. I apologized in case I seemed pushy. Not sure how I could have though, since he initially brought it up. He has not replied. He has logged on a few times while I've been online, but he did not post me, and he logged out before I had a chance to post him.
I just don't get it. I feel like this is a guy I could potentially be very interested in, and he SEEMED to be interested in me.
Why is he acting like this? I don't know if I did something wrong or if he is just letting his nerves get the best of him or if he was just stringing me along. Should I e-mail him again and ask him what's up? I have his phone number from my caller ID when he called me, but I really don't want to call him. I think that would be crossing the line. If I did e-mail him, what should I say? I don't want to sound confrontational, but I don't want to come off as crazy or clingy either.
I'm just at such a loss here.




Edited 5/27/2006 7:37 pm ET by forgottenrose
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:47pm
Hey forgottenrose - I would just let it go. I don't know if he's playing you - likes his ego stroked with you persuing, or if he's just really shy and insecure.... either way, he's making it all about him and his drama. You deserve better than that. I believe if he was stable, drama free, and interested, he would be persuing you and would want to meet you, nerves and all. As hard as it can be, try not to take it personally, it sounds like he might have some issues that have nothing to do with you and who you are. Remember, there are guys out there who won't mind driving out their way to see you...those are the good ones!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 6:24am

See my username? That's what it is. HJNTIY. He's Just Not That Into You.

Okay, maybe he's really got some shyness issues. From where you sit, who cares- you're still not going out on a date! At 18, you should be out on dates. You can sit around at home with the cats when you're 30something, until then you need to go out with guys your age and have fun and do 18-year-old things.

Whether it is because he's married, or shy, or weird, or whatever, doesn't matter. He's not into you enough that he is willing to go out with you. Too bad, move on, NEXT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 7:36pm
I may have jumped to conlucsions a bit too quickly on this (well, 4 days of what seemed like being ignored) which is exactly what I told Kellee9 not to do. Ah, I give sometimes admirable advice, but find myself incapable of taking it. ;) Really though, I may just be a glass is half empty kind of girl, and I expect negative things to happen. I should really work on that.
Anyway, he messaged me last night saying that he was sorry he hasn't talked to me in several days--his house has been over-run with visitors since summer break just started, and he has not had much in the way of privacy. Therefore, it was difficult for him to stay online without the people at his house bugging him. He said he felt it was very rude of him to not respond to my e-mail sooner. He also thought it was absurd that I thought I had offended him in someway. Far from it. So that is good.
I generally will not date a guy my age. I just will not do it. But, he doesn't act like guys my age for the most part. We'll see what happens. Even if we don't date or whatever, he is still a really interesting person that I would like to get to know, even as just a friend.
Anyway, we'll see what happens. It's just nice to know he wasn't ignoring me intentionally.