He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?
28
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:43pm

I'm just curious about everyone's thoughts about the book "He's Just Not That Into You"- Do people agree/disagree with it.

I personally think there are some great points- but I also feel that there are too many generalizations- and make women look "helpless" waiting for a guy to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to be with her.

I was discussing the book with one of my guy friends, who thinks that men and women are euqal when it comes to calling. That I personally disagree with (and I wish I didn't!)

Okay- people's thoughts about it?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 1:55pm

I agree with it wholeheartedly.

How does it make women helpless? If you're not getting what you want/need from a guy, you move on. YOU make the choice. Besides, why would you want to wait around for a guy who's clearly showing he's just not that into you?

Your friend may think that, but trust me, if there were a woman he *really* liked, he wouldn't be waiting around for her to call...he's be calling her!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 3:26pm

Sheri,

I most certainly agree with you on the theory, if you're not getting what you want to move on.

The issue I have with "He's Just That Into You"- is these women are asking questions about why does a guy do this or that- and how women make excuses about how a man treats her. The author's constant commentary is that if a guy doesn't do : x,y and z, then he's isn't into you- which bugs me because let's say: if a woman doesn't call you back within 24hrs., sleep with you within the first two months, or schedule a Friday or Saturday night date within the first two weeks of meeting- would you say any of the above means that you are not into a guy? (Just an idea of what a guy may think if you were not to do any of the following)

Do you see what I mean about it? Its very cut and dry about what a guy SHOULD do if he is into you- and doesn't take into account- that yes, there are certain things that are elementary to relationships, but there are also certain things that are not so black and white.

Have you read the book?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 3:45pm
I tend to agree with the book! IMO, when it comes to MEN and dating, it's just that simple -- He's Just Not Into You. Some women tend to analyze, over think things. The simplest method is to check out his behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 5:33pm
I used to hate that book because of the absolutes and still think that there CAN be extenuating circumstances but they are rare. Because this comes from a guy's point of view about men and the way THEY act, I tend to take it a little more to heart. He has excellent points and it really is about putting the woman in control of her life. If a guy is not giving you the attention that you want and deserve, you have the right to move on and find someone that will. And if he's not giving you that attention, stop making excuses for him! If everything is right and he is available in all ways, he'll make sure that you know he's interested.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 7:14pm

Yes, I've read it several times, actually. And I heartily disagree that it prescribes specific things that HAVE to happen to know if a guy is into you. The letters and the responses are just supposed to be comic examples of behavior...not a blueprint, IMO. The only things that I saw as specific "rules" if you will are the ones towards the end, like, "He's just not that into you if he's married".

The message I got from the book is, if what's happening between the two of you doesn't cause you to have questions, make excuses or rationalize his behavior, then it's all hunkie-dory--if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But if you find yourself unhappy, making excuses, etc, THEN that's when you have a problem.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 7:51pm

I actally liked the book and own a copy myself. It's a bit of a humorous/supportive read, albeit much of what the authors are talking about should fall under the "common sense" category.

But I also know how it can feel to be in a relationship where something is "off". It's often times harder to see things objectively when you're on the outside looking in. This book can be a helping hand in that regard.

Oh, and being referred to as a Super Fox isn't such a bad thing either! lol :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:13pm
I am old-fashioned and agree with most of the people here that guys should do the pursuing - although many of my guy friends told me that they would like women to call them as well. However, I am wondering, does this, and the behaviors described in "He's just not into you," apply to online dating? I agree that if a man wants a woman enough, he'll do all the work. But when we meet someone we barely know from the internet, can we really expect men to have such burning desires for us such that they'll do all the courtship routines as they'd do when they meet someone offline?? They, like us, might be dating more than one at a time. So wouldn't it be fair to say that they too have the right to take things slowly before deciding that this woman is one that they want to pursue? What are your thoughts on that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:19pm

I borrowed the book from a girlfriend and read it in about 30 minutes. It *is* common sense in large part, but I think the authors make some good points and just generally remind us of the old saying "actions speak louder than words." In other words, if we watch the way a man acts towards us in a relationship, and how we feel in that relationship (content, secure, happy), then we've got a good indication of the state of that man's (and our!) intent.

I do believe that there is a long-evolved biological reason for why women tend to want commitment and expression of that commitment quickly, and men tend to shy away from it.... but nevertheless, if his actions aren't making you feel happy, move on.

I think the book is empowering, and a good reminder that we are all worth a man who is into us enough to be consistent in his actions, words, follow through. =0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:25pm
I disagree with it. There are tons of exceptions to every rule, dating included.




Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 11:14am

Once you meet in person, it's the same as meeting offline, and yes, the same principles apply. If a guy isn't making his interest in you clear by calling you and taking you out on a regular basis (and it's really not all that difficult to do that for several people at once), then HJNTIY. It doesn't have to be every day that he's calling you...it could be 1-2 times a week, and he can take you out once a week or so, and you'd still know he was interested.

Sheri

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