He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?
28
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:43pm

I'm just curious about everyone's thoughts about the book "He's Just Not That Into You"- Do people agree/disagree with it.

I personally think there are some great points- but I also feel that there are too many generalizations- and make women look "helpless" waiting for a guy to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to be with her.

I was discussing the book with one of my guy friends, who thinks that men and women are euqal when it comes to calling. That I personally disagree with (and I wish I didn't!)

Okay- people's thoughts about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 11:28am
Of course there are exceptions to every rule but there are rules. Just curious, have you read it?

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 11:56am

>>But when we meet someone we barely know from the internet, can we really expect men to have such burning desires for us such that they'll do all the courtship routines as they'd do when they meet someone offline??


Absolutely!...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 5:56pm

I have.

The ones I disagreed with were "If he's not calling" and "If he's not having sex".

I've posted my theories on cell phones here before - they cause all sorts of problems. If I misplace my cell phone, I can't call anyone, I don't memorize phone numbers anymore. And yes, it happens, sometimes for days at a time. Most people I know are the same way. I don't think not calling for a week is a huge deal like the book makes it out to be.

As for, "If he's not having sex with you, he's just not that into you", well, none of the guys I date have sex with me, and they're definitely into me.

I guess it just didn't apply to my life and the lives of the men I date very well.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 6:07pm

I think for the not calling - it is supposed to be a more established series of behavior. Once in a while, OK, sure it happens. But if he never calls you or calls very rarely, you can probably bet he's not that into you.

As for the sex - your situation is different if I remember. You are choosing to not engage in sex until marriage. So obviously, this doesn't apply to you. But in your case you could look at it as affection perhaps. If a guy's into you, he wants to hold your hand, put his arm around you, touch you, kiss you. If he's not into you, he'll treat you like a buddy.

And sure, this book will definitely not apply to 100% of the people 100% of the time. But I think using it as a guideline and not allowing ourselves to waste time on a guy that probably isn't into us, it makes things better and more in our control. Even if we decide to move on b/c some guy didn't call us for a week and then he does call back, we still have the option of giving it one more go. I myself will give a guy a last chance - I'll send an email or something if I haven't heard back from him ONCE. Then the ball is in his court, completely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:31pm

Now that I'm thinking about, here was my issue with it - I don't need the book.

I usually assume a guy's not into me. He's got to make a real effort to show interest. As a result, I usually never get hung up on someone who's not into me. :-)

That being said, I know a lot of men who could benefit from reading it....




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 8:44am
I haven't read the book, just saw him on oprah but have to think he's pretty right on with his advice, it's pretty common sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 9:36am

Since there are 17 replies already, allow me to go off on a tangent. Book like "He's Just Not That Into you" and the advent of online dating are probably the detriment of every dating man or player out there.

Women are at somewhat at a disadvantage in the dating world because they are tasked with the burden of waiting for a man's call, waiting for him to set up a date. If a man doesn't want to date a woman, he either enjoys her company over the phone without setting up a date or tells her he will call and doesn't. The set-up allows him to stroke his ego without committing to anything, where the woman is left wondering what is going on.

HJNTIY tells women to read the writing on the wall and move on, which can be very empowering. OLD allows women to join in the process in choosing who she wants to email, phone and date. What I think is funny is that women are saying that this book is a load of bunk, when dumping a disinterested man early in the dating process is one of the most empowering moves one can make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 12:27pm

I agree with you on that! The book SHOULD be common sense and none of us SHOULD need it, but there are so many women that still try to make excuses and don't realize the exact things it is saying. It's great that you don't need it because you know it already! ;-) I think I am realizing it more but in the past, I have done the "oh he's just so busy" excuse for guys I've met when I should have just said "he's not that into me so, buh-bye!"

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night, tho who has a guy that is the complete opposite of this. The book basically tells us to "listen" to a guy's actions more than his words to know how he feels about us. Well, her bf of 1.5 years had been INCREDIBLE to her - always so considerate, when she'd had a rough day would get her a bath and a glass of wine, always called, they moved in together and he was overall a great guy. Then right before Christmas they were looking for a new place to live together and he told her he'd decided that he didn't know if he loved her enough to marry her even though he couldn't imagine his life without her. So here, we have a guy who's actions say that he IS in love but his words say otherwise. Interesting twist. But they are broken up - on her terms because she didn't want to deal with that at 35 years old.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 12:34pm

It sounds like he *was* into her, just not enough to go the distance and marry her. Plus, just because someone is into you at one point, doesn't mean it's going to last forever.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 12:48pm
Excellent point. But isn't it a shame that they had to both waste a year and half to get to that point?! Sheesh.

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