He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
He's Just NOT Into You- thoughts?
28
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:43pm

I'm just curious about everyone's thoughts about the book "He's Just Not That Into You"- Do people agree/disagree with it.

I personally think there are some great points- but I also feel that there are too many generalizations- and make women look "helpless" waiting for a guy to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to be with her.

I was discussing the book with one of my guy friends, who thinks that men and women are euqal when it comes to calling. That I personally disagree with (and I wish I didn't!)

Okay- people's thoughts about it?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 12:56pm

Well, hopefully it wasn't a *total* waste of time.

But I do think it's another example of why moving in together without specific marriage plans--i.e., a ring and a date--(assuming of course that marriage is what you ultimately want) isn't a good idea. It would be interesting to know exactly what was said on both sides when they made the decision to move in together.

Sheri

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Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:40am
The move-in was probably what triggered the honest revelation. Otherwise this lady would still be wasting her time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:14am
Actually, they had been living together for months. They were just moving to a bigger place. She said he was very wishy washy all of a sudden about the new move. And he finally said to her "Well, I'm just worried because what if something happens to us and one of us has to take one of us has to take on the rent of the big apartment by ourselves?" and that prompted the discussion. So it sounds like he was OK until he was faced with the possibility of REAL shared expenses and responsibility that he couldn't take on himself and he freaked out.

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Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:40pm

The scenario with your friend and her boyfriend is one of the main reasons I would not want to move in with a guy if what I really wanted was marriage. I've seen a good number of women move in with guys hoping they'd get an engagement ring. Sometimes even if they "did" get a ring, they still did not get married. Nothing is a done deal until it is done. Talk is cheap, and a guy can promise many things without delivering on any of them.

Even though some of what this books says is probably true, I still think it makes most women out to be desperate and most men to be players who have so many females to pick from that they simply choose to use rather than grow up and be mature about dating anyone. It basically allows that men of all ages will continue to act like an adolescent until someone calls them on it.

Perhaps if more women did walk away from a guy who waffled or played with their emotions, word would get around that that was not a wise thing to do if a guy was actually serious about meeting/dating someone on a long-term basis. They would see that there are consequences to their actions, and women would see that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who does not appreciate them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:03pm
I'm curious.. so what about a guy who initally was very much into a girl and wasnt afraid to show it either... calling, making plans, etc...but then everything slowly diminishes after they have been dating for 4-5 months? They are dating exclusivly. And he sometimes still shows her that he cares, e.g. effort for V-day, paying for dinner, etc, but the calling got less, now most of the time: she makes the plans, he always agrees to her plans though, but he got passive. Is he still into her? Is he feeling secure in the relationship and wants to sit back and relax and let her to be in the driver's seat? He works crazy hours lately, so is that a reason to consider?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:03pm

IMO, this is where the catch phrase of HJNTIY becomes less important than the overall message of the book, which to me is, are you happy with how you're being treated? If not, you need to not make excuses but walk away, because he may be "into" you but you're just not compatible.

I'd say in your case, this is the "real" him...he's passive and prefers that the woman do the work when he's comfortable in a relationship and busy. If the way things are is fine with you, then there's no problem. But if it's NOT fine, then you need to reconsider whether he's right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:15pm

Sheri,

I'm fine with making plans for us. Just sometimes I wonder if he's still into me as he used to or rather with me coz it's convienent for him. I asked several of my male friends, and they said that his behaviour is normal for this stage in a relationship. He feels secure in the relationship, so why bother to pursue anymore? Does anyone experience that, too?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:23pm

Sure, and sometimes I've been ok with it (if there have been other things that compensate for it), and sometimes not. I've ended relationships where I felt taken for granted once the initial pursuit was over. And I plan things for a living so while I'm good at it, I'm always the one who does it in my relationships and my group of friends, so I really want a partner who's going to be close to 50/50 with me on planning, because I get tired of it.

That's why I'm saying it's up to YOU...not every guy defaults to this. Some guys continue to plan things to delight and surprise their wives even after years of marriage.

Sheri

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