He's perfect on paper, but.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
He's perfect on paper, but.....
20
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:56am

Bachelor #3- let's call him Teddy- (short for teddybear)


We went out yesterday, we went mini golfing and then out to an early dinner. He let me win in mini golf, and we had a great time. He is perfect on paper- meaning- he says all the right things, he does all the right things. For example, he has custody of his son ( and that says a lot to me about his maturity and the ability to take responsibility) and when his son was born he got up and took care of him every night and fed him and bathed him and did his laundry. He is raising him all by himself, the mother is not overly involved and apparently not interested in being a mother ( sad) but I just commend him for stepping up to the plate, taking this child away from a bad situation and giving him everything that a child deserves. I am a single mom, so he and I have so much in common, plus our children are close in age so we share funny stories and frustrations.


But... (u knew it was coming) I am not physically attracted to him. He is nice looking, clean cut, but he does not have the body type I am attracted to. What is wrong with me? I read that article that someone posted on here about how there are two types of husbands- the boyfriend and the best friend... I think that was it. And of course I want to marry my best friend, some one to be there till the end and still love me just the same ( not that he and I have discussed marriage or anything like that) but he seems perfect... yet I am not finding myself with butterflies or heart palpitations. I enjoy spending time with him, our dates and telephone conversations can last hours.. And we always have a great time together.... He is a great catch, and everything someone should want in a man.... Why am I having such a weird time? I don't want to sabatoge this, and I don't want to come across as superficial or shallow.....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:02pm

Don’t force it; if he’s not for you then move on. There are a million fish in the sea and one with better chemistry and good values is out there for you – just takes time – but trust me it’s out there – patience.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:08pm

You could do one of two things.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:52pm

Hey! I just wanted to say that I'm going through the same thing with a guy that I've been dating for a few weeks now. He does everything right: he shares his feelings, he lets me know how he feels about me, he's dedicated to his job and his daughter...he's just so perfect on paper, and is everything I'm looking for.

But, there's just something that's not there, and I can't really put my finger on it. When we kiss, there are definitely some sparks, but otherwise...there's not much. This is going to sound REALLY shallow, but he's the same height as me (if not a bit shorter), and I feel self-conscience about walking down the street with him when I'm in even a small heel.

I LOVE being wrapped up in someone's arms, someone that is bigger than me. With this guy, I feel like a giant :P I know, it sounds really dumb...and how can I let this great guy go because of that?

Alyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:57pm

<>

I agree this. Sometimes it takes women a bit longer to develop a physical attraction to a man than vice versa. My ex-boyfriend had the most gorgeous face BUT he had a beer gut (my pet-peeve) and in the beginning I felt that this would be a problem for me, but a friend of mine mentioned to me that I was being a bit shallow..to give him a chance and date a few times to see if I liked him enough to get over this "flaw". Well I did, and eventually I started liking him more. We dated 5 months (it ended for reasons unrelated to physical attraction, a totally different thread in itself.)
If your attracted to his face, and he has an awesome personality, then maybe you'll overlook his other flaws??

But of course it is your decision...do what you feel is best! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 3:09pm

Just wanted to let you know I don't think you're being shallow at all. I'm just under 6ft and I can tell you that I just *naturally* want to be with a man who's at least as tall as I am when I'm in heels. So for me, it's all about comfort and I completely understand what you mean about LOVING being wrapped up in a man's arms and being held. It truly is one of the nicest and best feelings in the world.

Ideally, I'd be a happy camper if the guy was about 6'4" or 6'5" and had all the other qualities I'm looking for.

Just my two pesos....

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:52pm

I beleive chemistry can grow overtime and also physical attractiveness. ever met a gorgeous guy and the minute he opens his mouth it is like run........if only you kept your mouth shut this would be perfect, or the gorgeous girl that noone finds attractive because of her personality or she is beyotch??

personality is key, yes you want to have some attraction if it is only one thing that is bothering you, then I say give it time. Vverall does he have everything else you want? does he treat you well? someone treating me well/ being my best friend is soo much easier .. I do wonder sometimes can I have it all , and maybe I should see if there is someone that can make the fireworks explode, but key is Balance.. Again yes there should be some chemistry , but it doesn't have to be all he bells and whistles going off.

Sometimes we are not going to have everything either. Make a list of what you want and put it in order of what is most important.. Then decide.

I say keep getting to know him and you will get your answer.

for Long Term potential I would prefer something that grows like a flower rather than something that starts off strong and can eventually burn out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:33pm

You have to decide exactly what you want. Do you want someone who makes your heart pound and your knees weak or do you want someone who may not make those body parts quiver but is what you refer to as a good catch?

Each relationship is different for everyone. I know that I want the knees weak and the heart pounding. I don't want to settle for less than that. But that doesn't mean that I won't quiver a few dates into meeting someone. I know I don't want to settle. It is difficult to find that person who shivers me timbers but I would rather be alone than to take something less than I deserve.

This choice is yours.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:03pm

so fluffy you say:

"It is difficult to find that person who shivers me timbers but I would rather be alone than to take something less than I deserve."

so this is the first thing on your list then?
and if you don't have that you cross them right off?

just curious... so if they had everything else and you had chemistry but it wasn't the weak in your knees feeling from day one you wouldn't give him a chance?

You say "taking something less than you deserve?" so you say you deserve the weak in the knees what if you had that but they had nothing else. would you purely go on that alone? i would assume you know you deserve an awful lot more than just weak in the knees right?

just curious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:18pm
I just went through the exact same thing. Great guy! ZERO chemistry. We went out 3 times and had a great time. I'd find myself looking at him and trying to imagine what it would be like to kiss him, and just couldn't see it...same issue as far as height too. He was the same height as me and I had all the same reservations. I too like being wrapped up in a mans arms. He was also a bit passive for my taste, he never gave me any indication that he wanted to get physical either, thank god! He continues to call so I suspect he was just being polite (as far as not making a move to hold my hand or kiss me) but I just stopped returning his calls. I feel totally shallow, but if it's not there, there is nothing you can do to create it...at least that's how I feel about it.
It's not like you're in a situation like work or school where you have the opportunity to observe or get to know a person without the pressures of dating. I've been in situations where a person can grow on you and all of a sudden you're thinking "wow, this guy's pretty great" and a relationship takes off from there, but when the interaction starts in a dating situation you've either got to fish or cut bait. IMHO.
I want the ZaZaZu!


Edited 10/18/2005 4:22 pm ET by cheleinsf
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:33pm

He was also a bit passive for my taste, he never gave me any indication that he wanted to get physical either, thank god! He continues to call so I suspect he was just being polite (as far as not making a move to hold my hand or kiss me)


Okay- this brings up a good question- my guy is not getting physical except for a hug, which I initated, now he is acting/portraying like a perfect gentleman. But at what point do we get "concerned" when there is no physical aggresiveness (lack of better word)? Do you think he isn't feeling the chemistry either? How do you bring that up?


For me, I think that having so many bad relationships in the past, finding someone that is truly a good person and has all of the other characteristics and is only lacking in a small part of the physical, I don't know. I don't want to date someone that is a hunk, only to have him be a jackbutt... you know?

Pages