He's perfect on paper, but.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
He's perfect on paper, but.....
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Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:56am

Bachelor #3- let's call him Teddy- (short for teddybear)


We went out yesterday, we went mini golfing and then out to an early dinner. He let me win in mini golf, and we had a great time. He is perfect on paper- meaning- he says all the right things, he does all the right things. For example, he has custody of his son ( and that says a lot to me about his maturity and the ability to take responsibility) and when his son was born he got up and took care of him every night and fed him and bathed him and did his laundry. He is raising him all by himself, the mother is not overly involved and apparently not interested in being a mother ( sad) but I just commend him for stepping up to the plate, taking this child away from a bad situation and giving him everything that a child deserves. I am a single mom, so he and I have so much in common, plus our children are close in age so we share funny stories and frustrations.


But... (u knew it was coming) I am not physically attracted to him. He is nice looking, clean cut, but he does not have the body type I am attracted to. What is wrong with me? I read that article that someone posted on here about how there are two types of husbands- the boyfriend and the best friend... I think that was it. And of course I want to marry my best friend, some one to be there till the end and still love me just the same ( not that he and I have discussed marriage or anything like that) but he seems perfect... yet I am not finding myself with butterflies or heart palpitations. I enjoy spending time with him, our dates and telephone conversations can last hours.. And we always have a great time together.... He is a great catch, and everything someone should want in a man.... Why am I having such a weird time? I don't want to sabatoge this, and I don't want to come across as superficial or shallow.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:52pm

Good question. I guess I equate weak in the knees and heart all aflutter with that one person who has all of what I am looking for. I have this person in my life that whenever I am around him (which isn't often unfortunately) my knees go south and I get light headed literally. Unfortunately for the both of us he dodges the subject of a relationship and no it isn't what I deserve nor what I am looking for. Did this set the bar high? Maybe so.......I just know that I don't want to settle for just anyone. I want him to take my breath away. There are so many women that grab whatever comes their way just to be in a relationship or for fear that there will not be another one come along. I don't want to be that person.

As far as the man who makes me quake....I have to let go after 6 years of hoping (not waiting) and it's painful because we are so amazing together.

I am 46 years old and my last long term relationship ended at the end of last year. He didn't make me quake but was a nice guy and we had so much in common. But I was bored both in the bedroom and out. I walked away from him because I knew that he would do whatever it takes to take care of me and make me happy but is that enough?? Did I love him the way I should? Probably not........

I guess the answer to your question is since I have found the man who taught me that there are men that will make me feel the way S does I guess I expect that's what I truly want. Maybe it's an excuse? I recently began a friendship with someone who was an unlikely candidate for a romance since I have known him quite a few years. Never thought of him in that light but we are growing on each other. Does he make my knees weak...no but at least not yet. Am I bailing because of it? No. Do I anticipate this working? I haven't a clue. But I do know that not having me quake makes it easier to wait sexually. No loss of control is a good thing.

I hope this answers your question and it was a fair question. I just think we should all wait for the right one. The right one differs for each person.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:18pm

thanks fluffy for your response.
i totally agree with you and don't expect to settle.. but i guess as I have gotten older and dated more i have realized most of the guys that make me weak in the knees are lacking in other areas, -such as stability.. maybe for me i need some bit of excitement/and the other guys seem boring, but honestly for a man to be a good husband/friend/lover and father i would prefer the stability as the more i mature i realize that i can create the passion if it is not the weak in the knees feeling. there are so many other ways the passion can come.. when you feel so adored or look at a man and the way he treats his kids or how he holds your hand to help you out of his truck and is always making you feel protected it is such a turn on. but it takes a while to see this side of someone and feel so protected and cared for can bring on some intense passion

but is it the instant chemistry or was it for me? no. it grows everyday and sometimes i question it, but when i talk to others or see others that have longevity and happy marriages they all tell me it grew over time.. of course you have to some chemistry in the bedroom but if you are w/ a man that cares and adores you by golly gee he will do whatever to please you in the bedroom or outside the bedroom and then sparks start flying.

again i do question it and wonder if i can have it all, since i did have the weak in the knees feeling before but the guy would not move forward.. and that was heartwrenching..

but honestly i am seeing this grow for me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:24pm

<>

Yeah, that's the big question isn't it? I just decided to let this one go 'cuz I've never been in a position where I had to bring it up before. Too weird and just not natural. Personally, I need to have some sense that the guy is physically attracted to me, sometimes that's all it takes for me to feel the same about him. I like a little physical aggression if the attraction is mutual. My last boyfriend, who I met on match made it clear from the get-go that I turned him on and I loved that! Problem is our relationship was one of those that was so physically intense that it burned out after two months. So where's the trade-off? I'm just one of those people who are driven by passion. I'm an artist and need turbulance in my life;P
One of the problems I find with the whole online dating thing is that there's so much pressure to hit it off right away. If you like him you don't want to involve him in your life until you've gotten the chance to get to know him and see if he fits in your social circle and family, but then you don't really know a person until you've observed him under those conditions. It's all very tricky.




Edited 10/18/2005 5:26 pm ET by cheleinsf
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:41pm

In the past all my relationships that have failed is because I didn't pay too close attention to the chemistry. Thought it would come with time. Then I realized it was because it just wasn't the right person but I had given them my all and I mean my all and it doesn't work.

I know that when I was 25 I met my Mr. Right and had to walk away due to a drug habit. I know that it will be very difficult to find another person that i feel that same way about. I think some times that I disrupted the love apple cart in my life and I am being punished for leaving him behind. I pick all the worst kinds of guys.

So I guess I have stopped being so desperate to marry or find someone. I love my solitude and have my "special friends" if needed. I have found that more men come my way now than ever but I still have to be careful.

Not sure which is the best way but I still think it differs for each person.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 6:54pm

Yes! I think chemistry is so important...but I also understand that it might not happen right away, which is why I gave this guy a few weeks. But, now he's hurt and doesn't understand why I dated him for 'so long' (his words, not mine). In reality, I just don't think this guy was ready to start dating...he got divorced about a year ago, which is fine...but he CONSTANTLY needed me to tell him how much I liked him, or how I thought he was goodlooking. Worse yet, if we had an arguement, he would call, email, text message me until I responded...which got very annoying when I'm at work!

I think he just wanted (or NEEDED) to fill some hole in his life, and I just can't stand clinginess or neediness. He was a very sweet guy, and treated me like a princess...but I can't 'take care' of someone. He just didn't understand my outlook on life: Too be happy with someone else in your life, you have to be happy with yourself first.

He could never figure out how you can be happy on your own...and I don't want someone's happiness on my shoulders. It's our own choice to be happy, and if you're not, no one else can make you happy!

Anyway, this is going off topic! My point was that I gave that chemistry a chance to bloom, and it didn't...so I'm outta there! I'm still young and maybe ignorant enough to want 'the whole package' and not settle for anything less. I want the weak-in-your-knees, heart fluttering love with someone who can be your best friend, you know?

Alyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:24pm

hmm- i guess we all differ. i would love the weak in the knees feeling but for me it always comes w/ a guy that is full of drama and means maybe i am attracted to more of the "chaos" because of past issues. chaos is what i am use to in love, and when there is none of that, it seems plain boring..and maybe not comfortable. as comfortable to me is men in and out, and a big challenge or ambivalent kind of like my dad and my first love.
so i am trying to learn what works best for me is to give people time and be sure what i am attracting /weak in knees feelings is not a pattern type thing .or is it true chemistry /or chaos patterns?

but i do believe it can grow but yes i agree it has to come w/in a few weeks or out of there! and you can give it your all and get nothing in return or you can get so much more. it all depends on each individual case i think.but i also think the guy has to have al ot of traits you arelooking for.

someone mentioned one guy was calling, and needy and clinging that would burn my passion for anyone!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a kind generous man, but confident and someone w/a back bone..

i think balance for me is key to be happy and successful in a r'ship
sometimes i do wonder if i held out longer would i have the knock me to my knees guy w/ all the rest, the successful, kind, generous, in the first week, or do i wait it out have the sweet, confident , successful man that passion is building over time.. ??
but again i am going by what i see and hear..

love this thread thanks for you input!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:26pm

Hang in there until you're a little more certain either way...that would be my advice. It doesn't sound like there's any rush to take action one way or the other...it's just uncomfortable to be uncertain :) Hang in there & see what happens!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:28pm

"One of the problems I find with the whole online dating thing is that there's so much pressure to hit it off right away. If you like him you don't want to involve him in your life until you've gotten the chance to get to know him and see if he fits in your social circle and family, but then you don't really know a person until you've observed him under those conditions. It's all very tricky."

Wow!! so true!! It's so easy to move on to the next profile, maybe no one is giving anyone enough of the chance we all deserve!!??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:30pm
Must amend upon hearing how "needy" he sounds. you sound much more decided. Run for the hills!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 3:04pm

<>

Well, I'm 45 and I still want the whole package. It may take me longer to find it but at least now I'm giving myself the opportunities to do it and not settle. I'll keep on going on dates until I find it.
I believe I gave this last one a fair shot and didn't think it was fair to either of us to continue thinking I MIGHT find it. Most likely I'd have just continued to go out with him for lack of anything better to do and ultimately made it worse.

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