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| Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:00pm |
I discovered this board for about 6 weeks ago and have read it daily for about the last 10 days (since the sudden demise of my OLD relationship). I've replied to several posts now so I figured it was time to say HI! and tell you all what an amazing board you've got going on here. You guys are great and it's such a relief to know my OLD issues are pretty universal.
So a little about me;) I'm Michele, just turned 45 and I live in San Francisco. Divorced a lifetime ago and no kids. I started OLD last December and am currently active on match.com. I've had two relationships from match, both lasted for about 2 months. I've referred to some of this in my replies, so apologies for redundancy.
My current OLD situation: Dealing with a break-up. This one has hit me hard because I knew going in that he wasn't LTR material. Long story short...we spent 6 really awesome weeks having a lot of laughs just meeting up in bars, drinking, listening to music, meeting other interesting people and going back to his place for some incredible sex (not with other people, just us;) we had VERY little in common for anything beyond that, and I was cool with that. Yet he was the one who kept making these plans and talks of future. He'd bought us tickets to a concert 2 months down the road (ironically the concert is tonite), going to England to meet his family at Christmas (he told me he'd sent them my picture introducing his "new girlfriend"), moving in together, camping trips, even the possibility trying to have a baby! God, I could go on. Anyway, two days after he brought up the living together and Christmas in England he dumped me, no warning, no excuses, no apology. I'd spent the night and he gets up for work 5:30 in the morning, I'm lying there naked in his bed still half asleep and he's talking about the IRA (he's British and the recent events in London had been the topic of much conversation) then says "...and don't come back anymore, we won't be getting on". I'm going..."What!? Back up what did you just say?" Anyway he wouldn't talk, I jumped out of bed and got dressed. I was mortified. I tried pressing for an answer but knew I wasn't going to get anything out of him, and if I did it would only have hurt me worse, and I left. We've not communicated since.
Advice needed: I know I dodged a bullet here because there were a lot of red flags and he was just so bad for me in many ways. The thing that plagues me is that he got out of this so easy! I'm a very easy going and non confrontational person. I did nothing to deserve that humiliating experience. I just walked out the door and he's moved on. I feel like I was just dumped out like yesterday's trash and I'm trying to figure out a way to get some closure from this. I'm currently fighting this uncharacteristic desire to leave him a really nasty message scrawled in lipstick on his windshield. Something like: SELF ABSORBED PIECE OF S**T! I know it sounds crazy and stalkerish, and it would be lowering myself to his level. Chances are he'd have think about who may have done it as I'm sure he's left a trail of pissed of ex's.
Sorry for the long vent. This is the first time I've ever experienced this so I'm at a loss. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Chele


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Welcome to the board!!
I don't know what to say about this one.
CL-Truewild1969
For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;
Hi there, and welcome. We definitely have some things in common: I'm 46, divorced forever ;-), no kids, live in Seattle.
I'm sorry about what happened to you...that behavior pattern sounds like a fairly typical one for someone with commitment and/or narcissist issues. They suck you in with fun and future talk...then wham, they dump you (or start withdrawing slowly until there's nothing left, or do something really mean to get YOU to break up with them), and you're left going, uh, what the heck just happened!
Rather than writing the message on his windshield (although I can truly relate to the thought behind it!!!), you might try reading a new book that I just finished...it's called "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist" by Steven Carter. I realize you weren't "in love" with him, but it might help you with some closure (or rather, realize that with this type, there really never is any), and to avoid a similar type of guy in the future.
Sheri
Welcome Michelle to the Board. My name is Stephanie and I'm a single parent (10 year old boy) and am 44.
Well I really can feel your pain -- that's a hard one to get over. I mean of course the good thing is that it is over -- but I'm feeling you about the "closure" part especially how he did it! What a real jerk!!
We all try and give good advice, but the ones who word things so perfectly hopefully will reply (chamey, toonitoons, sparklepuss, donna710, northwestander) just to name a few of my favorites.
Hi Chele and welcome to the board. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru. The only advice I can offer you you said yourself...you would be lowering yourself to his level.. and that is exactly what he probably expects. Show him you are better than that, show him you are one class act who deserves better than him by not letting him know that he's gotten to you. Men like him get a thrill knowing that they've pushed someone to the point of retaliation. Even if you confronted him in person he wouldn't have anything to say that would make the hurt any better.
Remember, you can't control the past, but you can control how you let it affect your future. Time will make this a memory that you will learn from.
All the best,
Libra
I have dated a European man and have tried to date another few. I hate to generalize but they appear to be very self-centered. My ex also lacked consciousness.
Whenever someone does me wrong, I try to remember the old adage:
"The best revenge is living well."
And it's so true.
Annie
Welcome to the board!!! Glad to have you. I recently joined as well, and I love it! So you will love it to. Enough mooshy, just know: glad to have you.
Now about that jerk: I know that it is tempting to want to even find a way to chop of his manhood. Sometimes I really rationlize with Loranna Bobbitt. But, we go to jail for those things. I think the nasty message will still leave you feeling unresolved. For whatever reason, he didn't want any more of a relationship. Leave it at that and know you will find someone better. I always get pleasure when I have fun and don't care after a heart break. I almost get some sort kicks out of knowing that he didn't get to me. And as I have said before, when that doesn't work, just block it out, create denial, and pretend you never experienced the situation. I love my head in the clouds. Everything seems happier there!
Thanks lollybell and thanks to all of you for your welcome and wise words. 98 percent of the time I spend thinking about this is exactly as you all have said...move on and don't let it bring me down. This guy doesn't deserve my tears and you're right, I can't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's gotten to me. He was extremely egotistical and derived a perverse glee from pissing people off and a windshield message would only enforce that.
Anyway, I chalk it up to Lessons Learned and as you all said, the best revenge is to be happy. I sent out a couple of winks yesterday and got a reply when I got home today. He appears to be an artist and had posted a very poetic profile. Intriguing;)
Thanks again. You guys rock!
Chele
Stick around and continue to post here!!
Hey, Chele - I know, it's so instinctive to want revenge, even though we know we'd be lowering ourselves.
Just have faith in The Spite Fairy. She WILL get him. You may not be there to see it, but she always does.
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