Hi everyone...OLD misadventures

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Hi everyone...OLD misadventures
22
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:07pm

Hi Everyone,

I have been gone quite a bit this summer, but thought I'd post on my OLD misadventures. After I returned home from my week at the lake, I was supposed to get together with the mortgage banker guy who I had seen a couple of times previously, but who has a super busy life. Well we made tentative plans and he never called me back to confirm, so I have nexted him completely. I know he has no time and doesn't want to make time for a lady in his life, and I want someone that wants me in their life!

Then there was the CPA who was really nice that I had went to dinner with once. Well we talked on the phone after I got back a couple of times for lengthy conversations and his girls (12 and 15) were having trouble with their mom and fighting alot with her, which was upsetting him alot. Well, he revealed to me that I was the first lady that he had gone out with after his breakup with his ex gf of 1 yr (they broke up in March and we went out in June) and after our great conversation at dinner, he realized he wasn't healed from it and wasn't ready to date yet and had started going to counseling to deal with is issues! So I guess that is good since he said he wasn't emotionally healthy enough to date and realized that and some of his issues were still stemming from his divorce from 4 years ago. So really, I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone with so many issues still pending (I mean a few issues are ok).

I have had a few meets since from OLD but none have provided anyone I would care to see for a second time, except for tonight. He was very nice, funny, and a good conversationalist. He is a mortgage banker, so I seem to have come out of my rut with Engineers and have moved onto the financial type line! He said he wants to get together again, but I'm not holding my breath and if he is interested he can call me, since we have already talked on the phone a few times he has my number. He is younger than me by about 8 years, has never been married and has no kids and wants no kids, which I said I would not date this kind again, but we'll see... Again not holding my breath!

I'm trying to think of a nice way to not see this one guy that I have talked to from OLD but that I can't stand his whiney voice. I haven't met him yet. I'm thinking of ghosting and avoiding his calls, but should probably just be brave and tell him I'm not interested, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I could tell him I got back together with my ex bf! I know I'm being weak!

So that is my OLD story. How have any of you handled the dilemma above? I feel it may be crueler to tell him the truth and he will ask for details why, because he is that kind.

I hope everyone has had a great summer so far....

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 5:28pm

Thanks Lizzie for your suggestions with the whiney guy. The rpoblem is that he already asked me out and I kind of said yes, not maybe, but not a total yes, I said maybe when I get back from vacation. But I didn't talk with him but once on the phone and it was only 5 minutes or so. But I guess I was trying to go outside my box and give him a chance and it was my daughter(22) who said, mom you know you're not going to be able to get past his voice and she was right!

But when he called 2 days ago and tried to set up the date, I told him that I'd have to call him back when I knew more about my schedule since I wasn't home then...yes I know I am bad for avoiding him and stopping it! So I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, I guess I am hoping he will get the hint and not call me anymore...

But Lizzie thanks for sharing that you didn't like the whiney voice either in the guy you were talking to. I just couldn't hear that voice on a dialy basis!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:02pm

Hi Hotkarina,

I have found when I give guys a second chance who have ghosted, it rarely works out. If we weren't interested in eachother enough the first go round, I find nothing changes to make them more desirable to me the second time around. So now I just don't usually bother with it.

Sorry to hear about the guy you were seeing who went back to his ex gf after you two had been dating for 7 months. But I guess that is better for you than if you had been together a year or longer. But still I'm sure that hurt.

Honestly, I think any guy has in his mind the thoughts of getting physical when he meets a lady, I mean if we are honest with ourselves, it goes through my mind - could I do him? And if I think no way, then I know there is no attraction there. I don't mean could I do him that night, just eventually!

I'm also looking for that great awesome guy - but so far I haven't found him! Good luck with the guys you are seeing now...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:19pm

Ivos and Sara,

Thanks for your suggestions on how to end it with the whiney guy. I just hate ghosting, but sometimes I think it may be kinder than telling the guy the truth. Just like with those premade replies to others if you aren't interested in them and they have contacted you with a wink or email on OLD sites, I don't send those to guys who wink at me, I just don't reply at all and they get the hint. I hate receiving those replies myself and would prefer the person just not say anything to me. But I know everyone has a different idea on this one. But no matter how it is said, if you are going to reply with a not interested to someone it will feel like a rejection to them... I think the ignoring way is just a little easier for a person to digest maybe.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:50pm

I hate being ghosted, mostly because I've had serious relationships that ended that way, with the guy just disappearing and I'm very adverse to it because of that. I'd rather just know. Then I talked to a guy once from match and we talked about ghosting versus being upfront and he said he'd hate someone to come out and say they weren't interested, he'd much rather they just faded away, shorter and less frequent phone calls and then nothing. So I decided I wasn't going to see him and I ghosted, and he kept emailing me asking if something was wrong and if I was okay and if I want to be in touch sometime let him know. I don't think he thought *I* would ghost him, but that is what he said his preference was so who was I to do anything different?

I think in most cases ghosting is easier on the person doing the ghosting, but as long as you are thinking about it from his perspective then it's good, either way he might not be happy about it, you can't really turn it into a positive if he's interested in you, just lesser of one of two evils.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:27pm

Hi firstamendment,

I think ghosting after a serious relationship has taken place is wrong - to me that is cowardly not to discuss the breaking up, since you know eachother more and there should be some kind of closure. But ghosting before you even meet a person face to face is not the same as that, two different issues.

I guess the question is - do you think a person wants the reasons for the rejection right in their face or would they rather it be subtle and the person fade away? I know with many guys if you do send the "I just don't think we are a match" email they do write back asking for specific reasons why, so you have to block them anyway. I would never give them specific reasons because they are usually just my personal preferences and a person can not help how short or tall they are, what color their hair is or what body type they have. But either way it isn't an easy thing to do...just one of the hard things about doing OLD - being the rejector and other times the recipient of the rejections. But after awhile it gets easier and you learn not to take anything personally. Isn't OLD fun?!!!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:31pm

Thanks sunshine, I wish you the same. It is so nice that we get to express our feelings, frustations, happiness to our chatting gf's. It feels good to let it out and it somehow alleviates the feeling that we are not alone and we experience similar situations.

Right now I just peaked on the matching site and saw guy #1 online, I have his personal email and emailed him today, then if he was online how come he did not answer me yet? I know, I just have to not let it bother me, but this is the guy I like the most, sigh! and besides, I met him on this site call my space, he has like 200 girls as his friends, very goodlooking, I don't think I can compete, they're all like supermodels with bikinis, thongs, very sexual to my liking! My picture is there too and it's like so insignificant, I am the only one dressed normal!! Anyhow, my insecurity is kicking in, I wonder how many of these women has he met or bedded!? I mean, I am here planning to be with him and everything, but with so many after him, what can I do?

So I am keeping guy #2, he called today, at least he's callig every day, and wants to see me soon. I like him too, he's a single parent like me, so we have that in common. I am still meeting two more guys this weekend, gotta stay busy and keep the expectations low, it's so hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:42pm

I should clarify, I wasn't saying that ghosting from a serious relationship and ghosting from someone you've just been emailing are the same thing. I was just trying to explain that because the former has happened to me more than once, I am particularly not fond of the latter.

I agree with you, if you think ghosting is better from the other persons perspective then it's good. I just don't like the idea of some (not people on this board, but people I've met) who would ghost because it's easier on them, even if they know it would be harder on the other person. I make it a point to tell people how I feel about ghosting, and that I appreciate the honesty (although seriously, I don't expect someone to send me an email if we've never met, but you know, after a few dates or if things were going very well with phone conversations I just appreciate not ghosting), and I think once they know that about me they'd be kind enough to extend the courtesy of being upfront. If they don't want to, there is obviously nothing I can do about it.

You are the only one who has to decide about this guy, and from all you've said ghosting seems the better option and I take no issue with that.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:47pm

Hi Hotkarina,

It is hard to keep the expectations low, but you gotta do it. Is this site a sexual one that you met guy #1 on that refers to being with you sexually? I just wondered with so many of the girls that are his friends dressed sexually. If that isn't what you want then that might not be a good site for you to go on. I avoid the guys who mention sex or hint at it in their profiles because they usually just want sex and nothing more. But that is my preference. I am looking for a LTR that could possibly go toward marriage some day. If you are on a sex site then that is what you should expect. JMHO.

Also, about the guy being online and not emailing you, they do this. You two aren't exclusive so nothing says he can't continue to look still as I'm sure you are still doing - just one of those things about OLD that you have to get used to happening. There's also the kid in the candy store - there are so many flavors and types available that if they are in that mode to just play and sample flavors, that's what they'll do. Do you want to be just another one of his samples as you hinted that he might be like this? Just not my type of guy. But I wish you much luck with your OLD endeavors.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:52pm

The ghosting issue - if I send a wink or an email and there is no response, then that's fine. I would rather have that then a rejection email or canned response.

I corresponded with a woman a couple of months ago, and by the third email I was writing a lot about myself, and my interests, and she was too. I was just about to suggest we move to the phone when I get a rejection email. She said she had gotten back with an ex. I have no idea if that is really true or not -- but you know, I did kind of like that she sent something. She was very nice and complimented me, and it made me think she was at least trying to not make me feel as disappointed.

Sunshine, thanks for sharing what's been up with you. I hope one of these guys pans out, you deserve it. But, be picky if you have to. Don't settle. And yes, if whiny voice guy bugs you now -- imagine what months would be like... best to move on.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 7:17am

you "could" go out with whineyvoiceguy and not have a good date and let that speak for itself perhaps? orrrr..what if you find that you like him? =)

If you have nothing else pending for that night....why not...could make for either fun story or a fun evening. KWIM?

That way if you do go out with him and not like him...you have things OTHER than his whineyvoice that would be more obvious to put it on.

I don't know..i guess i say this because its friday and i have nothing going on and probably would go out just for the adventure.

lol,
Lizzie