Hi! I'm new, and need some perspective
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Hi! I'm new, and need some perspective
| Mon, 11-10-2003 - 3:22pm |
Hi everyone! I've been reading some of the discussions, and I am glad to know I am not the only one out there.
I started chatting on line about 4 or 5 months ago. I never intended to meet anyone, and I only talk to a few people still, and there is no intention on meeting. They all live in the U.S., and I am in Canada. But over the last few months there is one guy that I have been talking to almost everyday, and the relationship has grown more with each conversation. We talk on the phone, and IM each other. I am pretty sure that we will meet soon, maybe in January. I am being cautious, as you never can really tell what a person is like until you meet them. Just sensible, I suppose. I don't feel any red flags coming up. Nothing out of the ordinary. I suppose I am wondering if this has ever worked for anyone else out there. I have a 4 year old, so I need to be sure that we would both be very serious about this. We have talked about whether or not we are being realistic about this. I said that it depends on what we expect from each other and the relationship. I have no problem moving to be with someone, as long as I could still have a means to support myself. (work visa, etc...) I know that people have met online, and have worked through all the little things, I just haven't met any! lol If anyone has any advice, or a story to share, I would really appreciate it. Thanks, J
I started chatting on line about 4 or 5 months ago. I never intended to meet anyone, and I only talk to a few people still, and there is no intention on meeting. They all live in the U.S., and I am in Canada. But over the last few months there is one guy that I have been talking to almost everyday, and the relationship has grown more with each conversation. We talk on the phone, and IM each other. I am pretty sure that we will meet soon, maybe in January. I am being cautious, as you never can really tell what a person is like until you meet them. Just sensible, I suppose. I don't feel any red flags coming up. Nothing out of the ordinary. I suppose I am wondering if this has ever worked for anyone else out there. I have a 4 year old, so I need to be sure that we would both be very serious about this. We have talked about whether or not we are being realistic about this. I said that it depends on what we expect from each other and the relationship. I have no problem moving to be with someone, as long as I could still have a means to support myself. (work visa, etc...) I know that people have met online, and have worked through all the little things, I just haven't met any! lol If anyone has any advice, or a story to share, I would really appreciate it. Thanks, J
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Second, I think you would be very smart to ask important (and non-romantic) questions- find out about his character, his values, his life's goals, his morals, his religion, financial responsibility, his family. Working out the "little things" isn't being realistic-- it's working out the MAJOR things that matter.
You can never tell what a person is really like even AFTER you meet him, so you have to be aware of the pitfalls of a long-distance relationships after you have met. Each 3-4 day "minivacation" is usually 2 people on their best behavior.
If you have no problem moving to be with someone- what will you do about your child? Will you bring the child with you? What about the child's father? The grandparents? Aunts, uncles, your friends, Godparents, school? Are you willing to leave your family and friends to live with a man?
The internet can be a great tool for intruductions. But personally, I am very wary about carrying on long-term/long-distance "relationships"- and in your case, you have to consider someone besides yourself, that is- your child's best interest.
That's my 2-cents.... anyone else have happier advice? :-?
Take care
We talk about all the things that are important, such as money, like spending habits and such, and goals in life. Expectations that we have for each other. The way we do things around the house, the way we like things done. All that stuff. We are very compatible so far.
I was wondering what you meant by not being reality online. I do agree with you, there is too much to hide behind to be 100% trustful. But I also know that there are people out there that are genuinely real. I am one. And I am not a naive person, either. I have never had a problem getting a date, but what I am wondering about why this attraction is so strong. And I think it may be because for the first time it is not sexual, it is more intellectual. I guess I was more hoping for some stories that people could share, good and bad. I'm not a silly girl, so I don't worry about getting trapped into something. A move would not take place for a long time, if it were to even happen. But it is out there on the table. And if I did move, I would not sell my house for a bit. I don't think that would be wise. lol
Again, thank you for your advice. It gives me some things to think about. J
While some ongoing cyberconnections can be taken offline and flourish - many of them do not. While the person on the other end might be genuine and "real" the interaction online is not so real. As for me, I have never carried on with someone online long enough to develop feelings as I only interact with men who live locally and we meet very quickly after the first contact. However, I have heard of situations where attraction does develop online yet in real life there simply isn't any chemistry.
Even if there is chemistry, the relationship that takes place via the computer and telephone does not reflect in any way how the two of you would interact offline and face-to-face. I can give an example that is closely related to what I'm trying to say.
I live in Canada and during an overseas vacation I met a man from the U.S. There was an instant attraction and we spend everyday together for 3 weeks. We even took a three day trip together. After we had both gone home, he invited me to visit him at his home town.
While I was there he spent more time engaged in his hobbies and extracurricular activities than he did with me. He also spent more time with his friends than he did with me. I learned that his favourite food is Thai, which I don't like at all yet he still insisted that we eat dinner one night at his favourite Thai restaurant. I learned that he likes to sit in the front row at the movies and I like to sit in the back. Rather than compromise and sit somewhere in the middle he said that if I don't sit where he likes to sit I can sit alone. I learned that he found it a turn-on to grope me in public. I could go on but I think you get the idea.
The man I knew while on vacation was smart, well-travelled, well-educated, funny, fun, kind, adventurous etc. But, when I saw him on his territory he presented a very different side. Even while knowing the man in real life, I did not *really* know him. The truth is that the environment in which we first knew each other was an artificial one - much like cybering.
And by the way, there were 2 more occasions where I met someone on vacation and when I went to visit them in their home towns the feelings were not the same. And there was one occasion where I met up with someone in my home town. None of them were oafs like the first guy but having to also deal with family, work, general stress, obligations, responsibilites, different interests, tastes, etc. put things in a new perspective. The same feelings just weren't there.
So while you interact with someone without even having met them it is important to stay grounded and keep in mind that when you do meet, things might not turn out the way you expected. I'm not trying to be a downer. I really do hope that things do work out but - don't make any long term plans yet. This is especially true when a child is involved. Moving from town to town is fine when it's only you but as I'm sure you know - children need stability. You do sound sensible as I read your post so I'm sure you're not going to make any hasty and drastic life changes.
jhoover
I know of one person who met her husband online while he was living in a different state.
"Even if there is chemistry, the relationship that takes place via the computer and telephone does not reflect in any way how the two of you would interact offline and face-to-face"
And to fooz28.... if you do move away from your parents and home, I hope you'll get your own home first(and job, and friends and life aside from him) rather than move in with this man. Then date him for 10-12 months before making a bigger commitment to him.
Take care
I think it is a huge mistake to plan a trip where you inivte him along - that is for when you have been dating in person and consistently for at least a month or two.
Edited 11/11/2003 3:23:32 PM ET by deena33
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