The Houdinis of OLD

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The Houdinis of OLD
12
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:24am

I would love to hear stories that help me realize I am not the only one who is going through this. I just recently started OLD (2 months), and all I have met are a bunch of disappearing acts. Now, once they disappear, I don't tend to chase them--don't have time for that.

Here is a list of the men I have met online:

*Chris-- emailed him back and forth every day or so for a month; he is working out of the country for an offshore company (and sent pix from the company so I tend to lean towards that being true); we were getting along great, and he was slated to return to the states in a few weeks; he gave me his IM id, but I haven't seen him online; I have not heard from him since right before Easter

*David -- he comes and goes; I had a wonderful 9 hour date with him out of stat, but I suspect he is off and on with another girl; last week he went on and on about this big doctor's appointment, and he was worried but told me he would let me know; he never called and when I called him, he said he was busy and would call me back; haven't heard from him since

*Brian -- met on eharmony; emailing back and forth and then suddenly, he does not respond anymore; makes me wonder what I said that may have scared him off! he also closed my match bc we are responding "off eharmony"

Ron -- he fast tracked me from eharmony, and we have chatted online, but he takes forever to respond (claims he is working); he just stopped responding last time we were chatting and later went offline; I see he is online now (I am available, too), but I am not going to chase him down, and I told him that yesterday when he "dissappeared" and went offline then; I am a bit suspicious of him bc I received an email from eharmony stating his membership was terminated

So what is up with this? What are some reasons you have stopped responding? Any other victims of Houdinis or am I the only one scaring people away?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 3:24am

Nope, happens to everyone, and not just in OLD, either.

Just how it goes. Look at it this way- it lets you know who the ones are that are into you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 3:56am

I didn't do too much OLD before I met the guy I'm marrying next month! However, I had a couple of Houdinis myself.

C was my IRL Houdini. We met at church and seemed that we had so much in common. We had exactly one date but he strung me along for a couple of months. He'd call and we'd talk for 2-3 hours at a time and make plans to get together but he always seemed to have an excuse. It took me a while to get a clue but eventually I figured out that he just wasn't that into me. (HJNTIY, wish I could have had your wisdom this time last year!)

C was my impetus into OLD. He had done OLD before we met and he'd become very attached to two different women, both of whom lived some distance away. At any rate, he told me that he still loooooooved these two internet women so there was no way he could ever fall in love with me. (Methinks he was suffering from the kid in the candy shop syndrome.) I was rather po'd about his behavior and decided that if he was getting so much "action" from OLD that I'd give it a chance myself.

I met two men on eHarmony. The first, D, was very much into athletics and keeping fit. I have a demanding job and when I get home I just want to relax. We progressed to open communication and when he sent me his "can't stand" list, he mentioned overweight. I asked him what he considered to be overweight (I'm about a twelve on a good day and that's fine for me.) He then closed our communication---his loss, not mine. The second guy, K, was very sweet and we emailed back and forth for about a week before deciding to take it to the phone. After our phone call, he emailed me that he thought we were too different in our lifestyles and that he could not afford, in terms of time or money, what it would take for us to have a LDR. We were supposed to meet once but he emailed the day before, telling me that he'd changed his mind for the above reasons and then he rode off into the sunset. (At least he was much classier than the fitness freak who should've been looking for a new love at the gym or tennis courts, not online women who might live a hundred miles away.)

I had an online flirtation with D, who would send me very sweet emails and tell me how he wanted to kiss me and hold me and all. But when I mentioned us actually getting together, he freaked. He thought the distance between us was too great to overcome (hour and a half one way) but he continued to flirt with me until I cancelled the service.

S was a pretty slippery fellow. From his profile he seemed nice but in real life he turned out to be a bit condescending. He, too, was turned off my my size 12 figure. After our only date, I knew he wouldn't call back because he complained about the distance between our respective communities. I emailed him but never heard back. A few weeks later I thought I saw him at a Renaissance Festival with woman who seemed twenty years younger. I was with my brand-new fiance.

My fiance ran into a female Houdini right before we started dating. They'd had two dates and he thought things were going well but then she never called him back, not to thank him, not to chit chat. She quit emailing him and would not accept his phone calls. One day I wish to meet this woman and THANK HER for being such a jerk! If she hadn't disappeared, maybe he'd be dating her instead of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:56am
Those are the joys of online dating. The first time I did it, I was way too serious and sensitive about the whole thing. I had several that emailed me several times, but never got around to the part of meeting, some were more aggressive and wanted to meet immediately. The list goes on. I took things way too personally. I just signed up again and am enjoying it because I'm not taking it very seriously. So, if one does a dissappearing act, he probably already wasted enough of your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:43am

If only the list of guys that disappeared on my were that short! Ghosting happens to absolutely everyone and believe it or not, there will be times when you will be the one to ghost.

I know it is hard not to take it personally, but you shouldn't. People ghost for a ton of reasons; I know I stopped talking to several guys after we had met because they lied about their height. Maybe height should not matter, but it does matter to me, and lying about it bugged me. They were probably great guys, but for me that was a deal breaker, and there's really no nice way to tell someone "sorry, but you're too short." As my dating skills evolved, I had more courage and was able to tell people the simple "I'm not interested" via either email or phone, but it took me awhile to get to that point.

Try not to let it bother you and accept that this happens to everyone. Sometimes people think they're ready to date and they aren't, some think they can handle OLD and they can't, others just get bored, still others meet someone in real life and then forget all about their OLD communication. Honestly, the list of reasons for ghosting goes on and on, and it reallly isn't worth worrying about.

Good luck! Remember, the guy that's right for you won't leave you wondering if/when he's going to contact you next, he will just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:45am

You are certainly not alone in this. I've only been doing OLD for about 6-7 months. I've had my share of ghosts & I've ghosted on a couple of guys too. Sometimes it's just so much easier not to "face" them again, than to reject them.


Here's one example: I had connected with M. on e-harmony in December right before Christmas -- and I was his first match. He immediately asked me out for coffee and sent me his phone number. I called him right away and left a message. Never heard from him. About 3 days later I got an email from him that the holidays were too hard for him so soon after his divorce (red flag!) so he took an unplanned trip across the country to see relatives. Okay, I'll give him one more chance I thought. Later that week I called him and left a voice message, again... Never heard from him. The next day he closed

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:54am

Just chiming in to let you know you are hardly alone. I have had dozens of guys disappear on me over the years (even before OLD, guys did this). The most recent incident was a guy who disappeared after 2 (seemingly) great dates and asking me out for a 3rd that he never followed up on. I sent him one email just to try to get some resolution but he didn't respond so I deleted all his contact information so I wouldn't be tempted to call him and ask why he was so enthusiastic and then just disappeared. It bugs the heck out of me when guys do that...it's one thing to not call again after a 1st or 2nd date but don't SAY you're going to and not do it. Grr. But it's part of the "fun" of dating, so I try not to let it get to me, there's nothing I can do about how other people act (unfortunately!).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 4:26pm

Oh goodness gracious.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:06pm
Have any of these guys who have ghosted ever re-appear on you, wanting to give it another shot, either by email or phone call? And how long did it take them to do that? Just wondering here....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:33am

Rarely and honestly, I usually don't give them another chance.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:09pm

LMAO!!!! I have not done OLD in almost 2 years, but being really bored at work, I am looking at the boards. (12 hour shift, and no work to do....I do mean ALL boards. LOL) It made me laugh because when I did OLD for 3 years, I had plenty of guys drop off the face of the earth. Like other posters, it happened in different stages of our communication. I tried not to let it bug me, but at times it was hard. Fortunately I have been involved with a really great guy for the last 2 years, and for the most part am happy. (Few lumps and bumps lately, but OK)

It was the strangest thing though.....I was on IM on Monday. A IM popped up from a s/n I did not know. I asked him where he was from. He said he had been on two OLD sites, I had only been on one. He was trying to act all casual and charming, said we had talked and wanted to see how I was? I flat out told him....."Look I have been with my bf for almost 2 years, so we have not talked in awhile. If you waited this long to try talking to me again, obviously I was not that impressive. Good Luck".

He is not the only guy who has doen that. One guy disappeared for 6 months, came back, claimed he had been on a "business trip"....what did you leave your cell phone at home? Then changes his story to thinking I was nto that interested. He still usually contacts me once every 3-6 months to see if I am with my bf. I tell him the same thing everytime...."get lost". I get the same from one or two others who have houdini'd on me. I just ignore them, it is not even worth my time to respond.

I have also ghosted on men before.....usually cause they were decent guys, but could not take the hint I was not interested. Once or twice cause they were total freaks. (Like tghe guy who told me he had written hundreds of stories about serial killers, etc, and wanted to take a job cleaning up crime scenes) A few were just players, and I caught onto them.

OLD was a weird and fun experience in many ways. GREAT topic. Really gave me a good laugh.

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