How anti-climactic
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| Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:48am |
Last week I was contacted by someone online. We exchanged a couple of emails and then I asked if he'd be okay with talking on the phone instead. He sent me his number and I called him last Thurs. He wanted to set up a day to meet right then and there but I didn't have my schedule yet so he said he'd call on Sunday.
The next morning I received an email from him saying that he enjoyed talking to me and is looking forward to talking to me on the weekend to set up a day to meet.
He didn't call.
So...last night, in Chat I told this story and said that while I realized that it might be fruitless to do so, I was thinking of sending an email basically asking, "What's up?" but without sounding snotty . Some said to forget it and others said it would hurt.
So, after Chat I sent an email and wrote that I'm sorry that we didn't get another chance to speak but that I was still up for meeting if he was.
Good news - he wrote back within minutes saying that he still wanted to meet.
Bad news - he didn't apologize or explain why he didn't call like

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Yes, I do agree with you. Even though I know lg is correct (useless to email after a no-show phone call), I feel that I've become rigid in my thinking since entering the dating world a year ago and need to relax the rules more.
I don't agree with jh's follow up email, though. It's far too polite and it contains the word "sorry". Very Canadian, actually.
I've thought about this all day. I think my follow up email in future will read:
"I assume since you didn't call me on x day that you are no longer interested in meeting up?"
Short, not too sweet, and exactly what I mean. Hopefully it would generate an explanation?
I'll let everyone know.
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Interestingly though, in chat last night
The longer that I do this online thing the more I start to believe that the other person should express some followup interest. There's nothing more useless to me than getting stuck in a series of second dates with someone who is simply being polite.
The only way I can judge whether people are being polite is by whether they make any type of effort to show enthusiasm or followup after a meet with some type of interest.
Example:
"I had a nice time" = Polite
"I had a nice time - let's do it again" = Interest
I 100% find the "ask them out at the end of the first meet" to be useless for me.
It puts people on the spot and in polite mode and I find the response that I get too difficult to judge. A followup for me AFTER the meet is much better.
I'm also gravitating toward lunch as the best first meet. This is because both people can usually do it during their workday (no babysitters), it is generally time limited by 1 hour (I do not find that a 3 hour coffee meet or dinner has proven anything except the other person likes drinking coffee and talking).
I've gone through a few first meets in the last month and the "get in and meet quick, get out, see if they want to do it again" is what I see as the most efficient procedure. Lengthy emails, delayed meets, lengthy first meets have not improved my odds or results at all so I'm avoiding them.
I also stick by my "duck and run" method of being on the lookout for the friend zone (guys you'll know this by the bland followup email saying "nice time" but nothing else or the words "friend" in the email). If a human being is interested they will respond with something other than a polite one or two liner. Period. Unless it is someone who I specifically want to have as an activity partner I've thanked them very much and moved on my merry way.
This modified approach hasn't netted me any compatible partners (and I know I'm not alone because there are one hell of a lot of cute faces on Match that have been active 1.5+ years) but it IS saving me wasted time. If the ultimate goal is to find someone that you're compatible with then why waste time on the idle coffee chit-chat and deciphering those polite (but go nowhwere) followup emails?
I've always believed that most guys need encouragement. When a poster writes "I don't want to seem too eager" I want to shout -- seem it, otherwise he won't know!
Isn't it funny, though, that losers rarely need ANY encouragement? I wonder why that is.
So funny we were on the same wavelength!!
All my eariler revisions of the email message came across as whining/nagging, which was not what I was going for. I think the final product is a keeper for me.
Get this though: I have turned into such a non-dater that I can hardly wait for someone to not phone me so I can see if the email works!! LOL
I get the not liking to talk on the phone deal - I'm like that too. I also get that things sometimes come up and plans can go awry.
Thanks for your post, lilah.
As I said before, I realize that I have become rigid in my dealings with OLD people, so I want to relax a bit. I have very few absolute dealbreakers left. I don't think anyone would argue with them either: married/separated, mentions sex in his profile, wants children.
One of my high standards is doing what one says they will do. Because Mr. Dude and I are total strangers, his behaviour is necessarily under scrutiny. If we were friends and had known each other for a period of time, his not phoning once when he said he would, wouldn't matter. At these early stages, though, we both should be putting our best foot forward.
But I agree that it's not wise to write off people too easily. Believe me, I'm trying my best to change!
However, I still think no follow-through speaks volumes. I'm sorry, but I don't buy the too-busy excuse! Busy-ness is a personal choice, and "too busy" only means that a person chose to do something else. And really, if a guy can't take 2 minutes for a quick phone call, why is he online dating at all?
Oops, so much for relaxing my attitude!! LOL
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That's very true. I think it's b/c they're people who lack the ability to read basic social cues.
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