How to bring up...
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| Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:01pm |
I have been dating soccer guy for over a month now. He's a sweet guy and is a lot like me in the sense that he puts a lot into his relationships and usually gets hurt. It seems like we are both sorta cautious with this. We had a talk recently about what we are both looking for. He said he wants to take things slow and is scared of getting hurt again. I said the same thing but that I was also looking for something long term. He responded that he was too but that he needed some time and to "bare with him." I told him I completely understood and I didn't want to jump right into something. He sounded very sincere about this and he said "I'm glad we understand each other."
We see each other 2-3 times a week and talk daily, during the day at work on messenger and on the phone in the evenings. The problem I'm having is I'm not sure if he's dating others. If he is, I will as well, but if he's not I don't want to either, I'd like to see where this would go without involving someone else. I think that if I were talking to him sporatically and seeing him less, I would have no problem with this.
So my dilema is, how do I bring up dating others? Or do I just assume he is since he said he needed some time? I actually talked to him tonight about getting together this weekend and he said something like "I just assumed I would see you." He's the kind of guy that is like "whatever you want to do, whatever makes you happy." So I'm afraid if I say something about dating others he may be upset, since he's been hurt so much in the past.
Ugh, this part of dating always makes me stress.
Layx2

I've heard that as a general rule, it is assumed that each person is indeed dating other people until the topic of being exclusive is discussed.
You wrote: We see each other 2-3 times a week and talk daily, during the day at work on messenger and on the phone in the evenings. He's devoting quite a bit of time to you, so that really can't leave him much time to be seeing too many other women.
You said that you're worried about hurting him by asking him if he's seeing anyone else. I really don't see the harm in casually bringing up the question if he's dating anyone else. I don't blame you in wanting to know either, since the two of you seem to spend a lot of time together anyway. Communication is very important. Who knows, maybe he's wondering if you're seeing any other guys! :)
Good luck and let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.
Meade
How would it be if you stated that you feel ready to be exclusive and hope that he feels the same? If not, he will squirm and you can discuss it further. Chances are that he will agree, but why leave that to chance? You need to know what he's thinking, and you may have to 'pull' to get him to communicate it to you. You seem to communicate regularly, and I interpret 'giving him time' as just that.....not time to see others, just to re-adjust the lifestyle to having a significant other again. Does anyone else out there get set in their ways, and it starts to feel like 'work' to date, so you have to work it in gradually? I find my responsibility to my kids makes me keep things very private unless I can see some genuine potential, so I don't get on the phone, and no one comes to the house until I feel it may last. Have a nice day everyone!
E
Thanks for both of your thoughts. I've decided to talk to him tomorrow when we go out. I feel this is the best time now because we have become more physical, not sex but the closest you can come to it. I feel like I should know for my own health and state of mind. I think I"m just going to say that I can't continue to be sexually involved with him if he's dating others. I know I should have brought this up earlier BEFORE we messed around, but it's better late than never I guess! Cross your fingers for me :)
Layx2