How cautious should I be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
How cautious should I be?
5
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:12am

Okay, so I had a few bad experiences recently so I decided to ease up a bit and take a little more time before rushing into something.

Barry is in the army, and although he has not said so, I believe him to be deployed overseas. He wants to IM and has not said anything about meeting. He is very kind and thoughtful. I don't have an issue with him being deployed, since I'm not rushing, right? I haven't heard from him in a week, so maybe he has lost interest.

Mike is older than me by 12 years...which is a bit much for me. His pictures were inconsistent, so I'm wondering if he is carrying a few extra pounds. We have been emailing for almost a month, and 3 times now we have had to postpone our meet. I'm getting suspicious about this...if he really wanted to me, wouldn't we have done so?

Ed is someone I contacted last year on Match. We exchanged one or two emails, and I said "Lets meet!" and I never heard from him again. Now we're on OKcupid and he contacted me, so I have not mentioned the earlier contact. We have been emailing now for 3 weeks, just small talk, really. I didn't want to scare him away again by being too pushy, but I'm running out of things to chat about. I have let him know that my kids will be gone this week for 5 days hoping he would take the hint and suggest we meet. But he hasn't said a thing. If I spend the next 5 days doing yoga and painting the porch and wishing I had a date, I'm going to be bummed!

I didn't mind corresponding with all three, but now I'm feeling like it is time to move forward. WWYD? Any thoughts?

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 9:55pm

My 'rule' was: they better ask me out on the first phone call. If they were interested, or interesting, it always worked out. Sometimes I would have hour long phone calls that were great, and if he said at the end, "I'll call you in a couple days" I NEVER heard back from them. Only one or two called again, and usually I wasn't interested in them.

I think, for me, if they are truly interested in dating, not just playing around, they will get with the program ASAP and make a date as soon as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 5:34pm

I did a lot of online dating for 2 and a half years before meeting "the one." I limited myself to people living within 50 miles of me. Of course, within 20 was better, but no more than 50. I have never gone more than 2 weeks of correspondence without meeting someone. That is the point--to meet and see if you both have chemistry, to begin with.


I would never correspond with someone in the military,etc. who I would not be meeting very soon. It's a waste of time to spend on someone, when 8 out of 10 times that I would go on dates, one or both of us did not feel the chemistry. When I had enough of e-mailing, I would say to the man, "Well, I think we've learned all there is about each other over e-mail. If you want to get to know each other better, let me know, and I'll give you my cell number."


Sometimes a man is clueless, and sometimes he's attached to someone else and likes female attention, but has no intention of ever meeting with you. I don't want to waste anymore time, so I offer my number. If they call a few times, they usually will request a date. If they don't, I will suggest it. If I scared them off, they were not the right person for me anyway. I was always up front with the men I dated. I told them that I dated in hopes of finding the right man to spend a lifetime with. It takes a long time to find out if someone is right for you, but that was my intent. My boyfriend of 13 months was on the same page as me, and we started our relationship with an intense focus on each other, and we couldn't be happier together. It's tough to find a good one, but it's not impossible. Try meetups.com as well. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 3:29pm

Oh, I don't mean that Mike postponed me 3 times, only that the first few meets we tried to arrange didn't come to fruition...him because of a busy week at work, and me because of family obligations. This third attempt was a true date with time and place defined and he said he got sick, so that is not in the red flag department yet. I sent him an "Oh, I hope you feel better soon, let me know when you want to reschedule" email.

However, since I'm not that into him, I'll wait to hear from him first.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 3:06pm

In my experience you have to just say what you want. It's important you notice the red flags quickly and move on before you get too attached. After the 2nd cancellation I would have given up on him. Don't be afraid to be a strong woman and "next" any man that doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve!!

Sandy

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 5:29pm

So far I have been in the "let them suggest a meet" camp. But many women will say they have had great success with suggesting meeting as well as contacting first. I think you could weave in a "let's meet" sentence somehow that wouldn't be "aggressive."

You could also try not responding to their emails right away (I don't know how quickly you reply). This might make them start to wonder about you and your availability. I know, I know, many women feel this is playing games.

I'd wonder about the second guy too. A month is a long time to arrange a meeting. All of the guys I've ever met suggested meeting right away, and some guys I wasn't interested in suggested it in the very first email. But I know everyone's different, so it's just hard to say.

And I'd definitely not bring up your "shared past" with Ed right away. I know there are guys in the past that I wish I had responded to but didn't. If they contacted me again, I would be glad (I think).