How to convey...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
How to convey...
11
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:46pm

Is there some way that I can convey to a guy I am going to meet that I would like to be friends even if the meeting results in "no sparks"?

I'd like to say something like, "I'm looking forward to meeting. I already know we get along, so I'm looking forward to our being friends if nothing else."

Would that strike the right note, or would that sound as if I am already dismissing the possibility of dating?

This is the guy I've been talking about connected to the photos. He still hasn't seen my photos because he hasn't asked for them and it seems a little strange to send them if we are going to meet on Monday. (Yes, I've learned my lesson. In the future I say, "I am going to send you these pictures" instead of offering, "If you like, I will send you a link to some other pictures" and assuming he's going to say yes. I also now know to send them with snapfish.)

Anyway, I suspect he will lose interest in me as a potential date pretty quick when he sees me. (I'm not putting myself down. I am chubby and he is not.) SO I really want to keep it open to be friends. Because we are practically co-workers, it seems to me that he might be motivated to be friends also, if he is not too embarrassed by the dating thing.

Thoughts?

Elsa

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 5:28pm

I would wait until afterwards, for sure. See what happens first.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 2:34pm

Elsa, I was just in your shoes and struggling with the same question. I'm an attractive 47 year old woman, but I ain't slender. I've got about 30 lbs to lose. I was communicating with a really nice guy on Yahoo, and he said in his profile he wanted slim, slender, athletic, or average. I posted myself as average since so many of the "few extra pounds" people on there are overtly obese.

So I tried to figure out a way to tell him if we weren't a match, we'd be great friends. Then I realized I'm not on there looking for friends. I have tons of friends! I want a boyfriend! So I decided against it.

Guess what? We met and he seems to want to continue getting to know me. We didn't talk about weight at all. I think what men like the most is confidence. Not full of yourself, but just realizing that you can be in the game too.

Keep us posted!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 5:18pm

Hi Chick,

Thanks for sharing that. I'm so glad things worked out with your guy. Usually I have several pictures on my profile plus I state that I am "a few extra pounds" So usually I don't feel I have to say anything about my appearance. It's all there. But this site where I met this guy doesn't have a "body type" category and only allows one picture.

Unlike you, I _am_ looking for friends (women friends too) to do things with even if I don't find a guy to date. (I haven't been divorced that long and my social circle has changed.) So with this guy, I would be content with friendship if we ended up not dating. I don't want to lose the chance that we can be friends just because he is so disappointed that I am not attractive enough to date.

I suspect he will look at the pictures I just sent him (see other threa) and will switch to "platonic mode" before we meet. But I prefer that to his seeing me and being so disappointed that it shows. Maybe it will make friendship possible.

He's been online since I sent him the pictures, but no answer yet. Could be he hasn't checked his e-mail, but it still makes me discouraged.

Ah well. We will see.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 5:48pm

Elsa,
I know what you're going through! I was talking to a guy from match.com for a month through e-mail and talking on msn mess. He never did press the issue of wanting to see a picture of me. He told me that he was intrested in me, and that looks really didn't matter (I'm not ugly, I'm not skinny nor fat). So I finally showed him a pic. of me last week and I really haven't heard from him. It really irritates me, because I'm thinking that he should be more of a man, but I've learned that he's just like the rest of the guys in this world...full of poo, don't know how to be honest, etc, etc.

Anyway...good luck, I hope he turns out to be different then the majority of guys in this world (and women too).

Radelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 7:10pm

Radelle,

Yeah, it's really discouraging sometimes, when people claim that they don't care what you look like and yet they do. Either they are fooling themselves or lying to you.

I know I will hear something from the guy I'm talking about because we have a work connection and it would not be polite for him to disappear. Guys "ghost" only when they think you will not come across their paths again. This guy knows there's a good chance he may have to work with (or for) me at some point. So he will do the polite thing. Even if we cancel lunch, he'll make some friendly gesture before disappearing.

His silence right now, however, suggests that he isn't exactly seeing me as gorgeous. ;)

If he were really excited about me, he would have e-mailed back already. :(

On the other hand, how is it different from my turning down a guy because I find him boring? So some guys turn me down because I am chubby and I turn down some guys because they are not interesting.

Except that when I turn someone down, my feelings aren't hurt. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 8:25pm

Girl I just don't get guys! Especially this dude. I'd really love to send him an e-mail and read him the right act, but I know if I did that...I'd be the only one looking like the fool. In pictures I look horrible....I was never photogenic...in person I look cute...but I guess that doesn't cut it I also hear that if you have a good personality that wont get you anywhere either (if you don't have the looks).

Have a good nite!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:16pm

Yeah, it sort of sounds like you are dismissing the possibility of dating. I think that you should wait till after you meet him in person to say something like that. Be confident and just see how it goes! :)


Devorah

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:47pm

No, reading a guy the riot act is not the answer. For one thing, it just makes him feel he was right to escape such a shrew.

I do agree that it is frustrating that personality and so forth don't come through in pictures. One of my best friends is a very attractive woman who photographs terribly. She has a good-looking, adoring husband, but she met him in person, not through pictures.

OLD has a lot of limitations, and one of them is its over-reliance on pictures.

Hang in there!

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:53pm

Thanks, I was afraid it would.

Actually I am happy with how I phrased the intro to my pictures because I said I knew we were going to be friends which sort of implies that I see the friendship forming without suggesting that it is going to end there.

The good news is I just got an e-mail thanking me for the pictures, saying that he still has trouble believing that I can look that young in person and he'll see for himself tomorrow.
(Our first contact included a question about whether my profile picture was recent.)

So. We'll have lunch tomorrow and see how we hit it off.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:57pm

Awesome! See, he didn't ghost on you over your new pictures. :-) Let us know how

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