how do you believe men?
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:23am |
i am a lawyer, late 40's, long term marriage ended, dating for about 2 yrs.
i met a man on-line who seemed wonderful: sweet, smart, likes to cook, etc. journalist, published a few books, on assignment out of town for his newspaper. we email alot, talk endlessly on the phone for weeks...he tells me how anxious he is to meet me finally.
we have dinner, he says i look great, and hes so happy to spend time with me. we go back to his place for a drink. i tell him i am not into a one night stand, but am looking for the start of something. he agrees thats what he wants. he says its not all about just physical, he wants intimacy. blah blah blah. so we sleep together, he asks me to stay overnight, but i have to leave because i have a teenager at home.
i hear nothing, so i email him thanking him for the nice time. he emails back saying that i am nice, but he is really not interested in me, sorry to say. thats it.
i feel foolish and used. and so shaken about my judgment. has anyone else met this type of on-line liar? i guess i am surprised that i feel so hurt over someone i just met too.
how do you believe someone, online or no, when they can be jekyl/hyde?

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Hi, welcome to the board. I'm also an attorney in my late 40s.
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience! Are you new to online dating (as opposed to "real life" dating)? It sounds like you made some classic rookie errors (we all made them in the beginning too).
First of all, emailing and talking on the phone a lot prior to meeting isn't a good idea...as you discovered, it gives you a false sense of intimacy, a sense that you know the guy, when you really don't know him at all. Some guys seem to actually make a point of "grooming" the women they meet in this fashion so they can sleep with them right away since they "know" each other so well. If I can't meet someone right away (it sounds like you couldn't because he was out of town on assigment?) then I space out the emails/calls to every few days or even once a week (depending on how long the delay is) to avoid this.
You need to take everything that is said early on with a HUGE grain of salt. You simply don't know a guy well enough early on to know if he's truthful or not. Sometimes it takes quite a few months to find this out, but most people start to show their true colors after the first 3-4 months (some show them a LOT sooner, as you found out with this guy).
Going over to someone's place on the first meet--HUGE personal safety risk, not to mention it puts you in a potentially awkward position with respect to sex. I don't go to a guy's place or allow him to come to mine until we've been dating for at least a month, usually longer.
The bottom line is, take your TIME and get to know someone well before you put any trust in them. And that means spending time with them *in person*, not over email, chat or phone.
Sheri
Yes, it happens all the timme. My advice, take your time (there are no substitutes for time)getting to know them. Pay attention to their ACTIONS not WORDS. Do not sleep with them on a first date, wait at least a month or longer if you can. Most guys get more attached over time, women get attached right after sex as a rule. I'm sorry this happened but most guys will tell you what they think you want to hear especially if they are looking for one thing.
Hugs.
Peanut
But dont feel too bad about it. With OLD you have to learn not to take things personally. It is not You it is HIM. He has issues, is a liar and can sleep with people he is not comfortable with... dont be pessimistic because of this.
keep looking I m sure there are good guys out there. With time you will learn how to filter the good from the bad. You did what felt right at the time. What went wrong is not that you slept with him, it is that he lied about his intentions.
"he says its not all about just physical, he wants intimacy. blah blah blah. so we sleep together,..."
If he said that it wasn't just physical that he wanted, how did you jump from that conversation to sleeping with him? As lonely and sex-starved as I've been, I would not even consider sex on a first date with someone/anyone. He sounds like a player and will do this again and again. Be glad that you don't have to see him again.
I think he told you all that because he knows it was what you wanted to hear and that it would get you in the sack with him faster. He sounds like a major player. He knows what women like and he is a suave, smooth guy looking for new notches on his bed post... telling women what they want to hear and then cutting them loose once he gets what he wants.
You have every right to feel the way you do. He used you, was a total scumbag about it and that is unacceptable. The best thing to do is to get to know someone slowly. After doing the email/phone thing for a week or two, move to an in-person meet as quickly as possible and keep it short, simple and PLATONIC. If you really like someone, a hug or a quick kiss on the cheek is about the most that should happen after a first meet. My philosophy is to really view the first time you meet in person as an interview rather than a date. You don't know this person no matter how much you have spoken online or on the phone. Spend time with them in person before you jump into the physical. Your hurt feelings over someone you just met stem from the fact that you thought you really knew him. Fact is, you didn't. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but if you keep that in mind until you actually spend more time together, it will keep your guard up and hopefully make that hurt a little less next time.
This still will not guarantee that you will find a connection or not find out later that he is a liar or cheater. But it will increase your chances of finding someone worthwhile. Good luck!
I just wanted to add a book recommendation: "101 Lies Men Tell Women" by Dory Hollander. She did extensive research on lying in relationships, and it has a lot of good information about being healthily skeptical early on in a relationship.
Sheri
You are a lawyer, right? I assume you know how to court clients and know which ones will pay their bills. Why don't you use what you know on the job in your dating life? If you had a new client you wouldn't dive right in and start working, you'd find out about them, find out about their business, their credit history and perhaps check a few references.
Prequalify, prequalify, prequalify
If you haven't dated in a long time, then go to the bookstore and read as many books as you can. Let's talk about what you knew about this man beforehand.
You knew he was a "journalist". Did you google his name? What paper and for how long? Does this guy have a permanent residence? Own a home?
I am not one for long phone conversations before meeting, it gives people a false sense of relationship. There really is no relationship until you meet.
Most first meets should be at a coffee or lunch place, and they should not involve alcohol. As one poster said, you don't ever go back to his place on a first date, that is a huge safety issue, you don't know the guy.
You broke a bunch of basic OLD rules, this guy saw this and knew that you were wide open. If you play the game with a bit more knowledge and smarts, OLD can work for you.
Next time, one maybe two phone calls, then nail down a coffee date.
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