How do you deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
How do you deal?
34
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:08pm
I have friend that is in a new, great relationship. I am happy for her and happy that she is happy. Every time I see her, she can do nothing but talk about him and their wonderful dates and all the things they have planned. But as my own love life has taken a recent really bad downturn and I have yet another guy that only wants to sleep with me instead of actually be in a relationship with me, it is so difficult for me to listen to all her blissful talk. I know I am being a selfish be-yotch, I really do know that. But does anyone have any tips on how ty deal with this? She is one of my best friends, but when I hang out with her, all I want do do is come home and cry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:15pm

Hi Vex,

Makes ya just want to yak bits, huh? I have a friend who seems to have found a great guy the First volley into OLD--go figure! Still, I wish her the best (as I grind down my dental work to baby powder!)..I do, I really do! But...I wish all of US brave soldiers some good luck too! (want some cheese with that whine, Cupcake?)

I guess it might be a good idea to kinda minimize time with her for a little while. I do not mean dismiss her because she is happy, but just take it as much as you can, and then excuse yourself and do something that makes You happy,,,insane shopping or chocolate are good suggestions!

Don't feel that you are not a good person either; to be honest I guess I wish She was a biiiit more empathetic to your situation, and did not Keep on talking about her good fortune Quite sooooo much. This is the part where she might heed my Gramama's advice and not tout the evident! As Gramma put it "Ya don't say something like: Did that come in YOUR size?".

Touche!
Hang in there, good times will come!

truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:36pm

Thank you cupcake. I think that is a good suggestion, but just REALLY difficult. She is one of my best friends AND we share a duplex (she has one half, I the other). I do wish her the best, but it is tough to minimize time with her.

To be honest, as much as I love this friend, she has always been one of those ones that "boasts" about her fortune. I am sure that it comes from her own insecurity, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with. Right now, she makes excuses to talk about her new guy. Tonight I had told her about my most recent guy who told me that while he liked me and liked being with me, he didn't see it going long term. He is fine with dating casually (and from what I can gather but he didn't say straight out he would be fine with sleeping with me). Her response was "Oh, I'm sorry". And 2 minutes later we are talking about her guy again and she goes on about how they are having these great talks, and they are taking a trip together and so on. It is like a knife in my heart each time I hear this because I am so unhappy.

I have a tendency to keep my feelings to myself and she might not know how much this hurts me. However, whenever I have been in a relationship and my friends were not, I took special care to not "rub thier noses in it" and keep the sappy details to myself. I know how it pings you when you know a friend is happy and you are just not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:38pm
The only thing I can suggest is go over there late at night and smother her with a pillow. You have a key to her half of the duplex, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:47pm
LOL (through the tears) lg! Thanks for the laugh. Yes, I do have a key. I just have to make sure it is a night he is not staying over. ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:00am

Hi Vex,

Sounds like Lg has some good ideas, as always! :)

Also, "methinks she doth protest too much" as ol Willy Shake said; I am wondering whether everything is Quuuite so peaches and cream over there with her and Mr. Lucky? Is she convincing you or Herself?

I want to give her the bene of the doubt (not really, but...). We just got a paycut at work,and the other day, I am in the breakroom, searching for hours I might pick up so that I can make my house note And feed my kids...in walks a coworker and starts whining about how she will Not be able to get the NEW 400 series BMW, and she will 'have to' drive her 3 year old BMW for another year! Could not help it, I know her well, so for her own good (and safety!), I said: "hey, ya might wanna keep that yowl to a minimum about the new car...I mean, I am sitting here wondering if I can ask the boys to Split a sandwich for school each day, and...". She really had no idea, as her husband is a doctor and money is Never on her mind,unless she is thinking about Blowing it with total abandon! Hey, I hate to see radials on a good car slashed, and she was headed for that!

In your case, take the high road, which is sounds like you are wonderfully used to traversing, and spend time with others, more than with her. Hey, she has dude boy to keep her occupied, so let him!

I am in to Karma, and I just feel like yours is comin' up roses soon!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:52am

Thanks sweetie - you're awesome at maintaining that happy attitude. I do think she is happy with this guy. She hasn't had much in the way of relationships recently and this is the first good one to cross her path in a while. Which is why I am happy for her. But it doesn't make it easier to hear when I have another failed relationship. As the other famous saying goes, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." but at times I highly question that. Or how about that great 80's song - "Owner of a Lonely Heart"?

I am so sorry to hear about the paycut cupcake! That is awful. I hear things like that and I know I am very lucky to have a job that I like that pays me well. We are actually experiencing a good period at work financially so I am very lucky. I also have a wonderful family and friends that love me. So some stupid guy told me he doesn't want to be with me- it could be a lot worse. I just need to keep thinking of the good things in my life and know that so many others would be happy to be where I am and have what I have.

And thanks for the Karma wish. I believe in it too. I try to be a good person so that good Karma will come back to me. I just donated $500 to charity today (I got a lovely bonus at work last week) and plan on giving another good amount to the tsunami victim fund. Not in hopes that Karma will come to me but just that I want to do what I can to help. Besides, it can't hurt, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 9:58am

Hey, why limit yourself? You could take care of two birds with one pillow!

-N

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:56am

Hey Vex,

I hear ya. I have a friend like that too, and I am ashamed to say that I've been visited by that "green-eyed monster" a time or two. It's only human, so don't beat yourself up over it too badly.

Same friend visited last weekend and she had to bring the new BF with her. Talk about a slap in the face. Needless to say, she is MARRIED (in name only, but married nonetheless), but that's a story for another time. I don't condone what she's doing, but it's not my life and it's none of my beeswax. I was totally prepared not to like him, but I have to say that he was a really nice guy. So, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tad resentful that she found this nice guy who treats her with respect and affection (unlike her abusive husband) and I can't even find ONE guy that likes me enough to go out with me more than once.

So, once again, it's a natural reaction. Like the other posters said, I'd try to limit the time you spend with her.

ABM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:36pm

Thanks to all of you. Especially for letting me know that I am not a bad person for feeling this way. I know jealousy is an honest emotion and that we all have it. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with what is going on at times, though.

It is going to be hard to limit time with her also because my friends and I are supposed to meet this guy next week. Of course that was one of the cutesy ways she managed to bring him back into the conversation last night. She asked if I was doing anything next Friday and I said "No" because of course I am not and she said that she wanted the gang to meet him and so I guess we are going to do happy hour.

It is really, really tough to be with her. Everytime the conversation would go somewhere else, she would bring up some totally random thing to bring it back to him and she's been doing that for weeks. Like one time she said "Do you know it is not illegal to drive barefoot?" I'm like, "Ummm, OK. No." She says, "Yeah, David told me that. I know most people think it is... blah, blah, blah." And last night we order queso and she just says "how can anyone not like cheese?" (her BF doesn't so of course we have to have this conversation about how he doesn't like cheese!). I don't think she is purposefully rubbing it in but man it sucks to listen to her go on and on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:42pm

The more you post, the more nauseated I get. I'd hate to live with her! Good Lord! Can ya just say something like "Gee, I'm happy for ya but do you have anything else going on?"

Lisa

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