How do you deal?
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How do you deal?
| Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:08pm |
I have friend that is in a new, great relationship. I am happy for her and happy that she is happy. Every time I see her, she can do nothing but talk about him and their wonderful dates and all the things they have planned. But as my own love life has taken a recent really bad downturn and I have yet another guy that only wants to sleep with me instead of actually be in a relationship with me, it is so difficult for me to listen to all her blissful talk. I know I am being a selfish be-yotch, I really do know that. But does anyone have any tips on how ty deal with this? She is one of my best friends, but when I hang out with her, all I want do do is come home and cry.

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Stacy,
I went back to school at 29 and got my Bachelor's degree 2 months shy of 40. It wasn't easy working all day and then dragging my butt to class, but it was worth it in the end. I got that almighty piece of paper that no one can ever take away from me. I don't know where it is at the moment (I think it's in the same place as my divorce decree...LOL!), but it's your ticket. If I can do it, you can do it too. You just have to want to bad enough.
ABM
Vex,
I am curious what type of friendship you have with this gal. I'm going to go out on a limb here, but what if......
Suppose you had a discussion with her about how her behavior makes you feel? It could go something like this:
, we've been friends for a long time and there's nothing I'd rather see than for you to be happy in a relationship. However, lately, it seems to me that our relationship has changed, since you've been seeing . It's understandable, but he seems to be the focal point of our conversations and it makes me feel sad that you and I don't have the closeness that we used to. I really miss that tremendously. Do you have any suggestions on how we can get that back?
How do you think she would react to something like this? Do you think it would at least get a dialogue going or is she so blinded by this BF to exclusion of all else? You haven't said shut your big fat pie hole about the BF already, you're making me nauseous, but maybe it can open some communication between the two of you.
Hey, it's worth a try.
ABM
Well, except for the talking about him ad naseum and the fact that every Friday is now "date night", my relationship with her hasn't changed that much. I don't think our level of closeness has changed other than the fact that *I* don't want to spend as much time with her because I can't bear the nonstop chatter about him. We still do most of the same things we've always done, they're just more uncomfortable for me now. I think to bring it up that way wouldn't really be appropriate. I think that she is just unknowingly insensitive to this and short of saying "shut your big fat piehole about the BF already" I don't know what else to do. Of course I could do it in a more diplomatic way, but I also don't want to hurt her or make her feel like I am putting a damper on her feelings.
I'm hoping that in time, the newness and total infatuation will wear off. Until that time, I think I just have to do what everyone has said and try to limit time with her and focus on making myself happy.
I'm with ya, Vex. I work with a bunch of guys here in the office, and we sometimes do things outside of work. All of them are married except me -- and a new guy who is just out of college. He's about 22 or 23. The thing I've noticed is that when we are out everyone makes an effort to point out girls to him that he should ask out, etc. It's almost like they think I must have no desire to date or something.
I get jealous, too, and then I feel bad about it because I know I shouldn't. I guess I should just try to be happy for others and look forward to the day when it's my turn.
I also have to say this, Vex -- your friend seems pretty insensitive and self-absorbed. Before she met this guy, what did she talk about then? Did she still go on about what was going on in *her* life? Did she seem disinterested in what you had going on in your life?
Well, I think it is natural reaction to be jealous. I am trying to not feel bad about my jealousy because I can't beat myself up for wanting that too. I just have to be happy for her and figure out how I can best get the same thing while staying positive facing another setback.
As I mentioned, I think this friend is very insecure. I've known her a long time (almost 10 years) and she's been one that unknowingly (or so I believe) will talk about the great things in her life. For instance, she is incredibly smart and did really well on the entrance exam to get into grad school. Back in school, she would talk about how well she did and how good her grades were in tough classes when some of us were just scraping by. When we graduated, she was one of the few that got a really good paying job (and had several offers from great companies) while some of us again scrounged for what we got. All of these are things to be very proud of and I never faulted her for being proud of herself and talking about them especially when I knew she WAS insecure in other areas. But I know that I have a higher paying and more prestigious job now than she does and I have had boyfriends in the past when she hasn't but I guess it is in my nature to NOT "lord it" over my friends. In fact, I have a tendency to almost feel guilty that I have something good when they don't. But I think she is just so happy and giddy that she may not understand that it hurts to hear about this crap 2 minutes after I told her another guy dumped me. Yeah, she should be more sensitive and I think that I probably would be in her shoes but I also feel like I just need to suck it up and be less selfish and more happy for her.
Before the guy, we would just have conversations about stuff. We see each other a lot so there is never a need to "catch up". And maybe now I see ulterior motives in things she does like asking me if I have a date (when I don't date much) so she can tell me about hers or after filling my ear for 30 minutes about her wonderful guy to ask me if I have heard from the guy I had been seeing. And maybe I am putting things there that don't exist, but especially the first one, I feel is just a way for her to segue into talking about herself and her awesone BF.
Hi Vexer,
I know that it has to be hard for you to listen to your friend non-stop.
You said, "...but I guess it is in my nature to NOT "lord it" over my friends. In fact, I have a tendency to almost feel guilty that I have something good when they don't..." That is the difference in the two of you, she is an insecure person and has to broadcast her relationship details to feel better about herself - to feel she is worthy of it maybe?
You are the much stronger and more secure person in that you don't do that to your friends when you are in a relationship. I am in a relationship now and very happy with things, but I am also a very considerate and kind person and am careful not to go on and on in details to my friends who are single and not in relationships now. I might mention the guy I'm seeing, but not in details or for lengthy amounts of time, that isn't needed.
I think your friend is being very uncaring. She may be incredibly smart in other aspects of her life, but when it comes to the friends category and being thoughtful, she fails there completely!
I know that you have made it sound like you don't want to talk to her about this, but maybe you should - maybe tell her that you are happy for her new relationship but that you don't want to hear every detail of it and leave it at that. If she is stupid enough to ask why you don't want to hear about it, I'd just say it hurts some to hear so many details when you aren't having much luck in that department right now. Be happy for her but don't let her make you feel bad.
Sunshine
eric : that is kind of lame about your co-workers and the 23 y/o. Why don't they try to hook you up? maybe they assume yo'uve got a gf? i'd be upset too.
it will be your turn - just hang in there!
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