How do you handle breakups?
Find a Conversation
How do you handle breakups?
| Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:35pm |
Reading small_peanut's post I am amazed by her resiliance and positive attitude.
My relationship experience is limited to mostly one or two dates or casual (i.e. non-exclusive) dating. When those ended I felt sad for a short time but

Pages
I kind of feel like you. I don't deal with breakups very well and am dreading the next major one but I also realize that falling in love and risking losing it is a necessary thing.
I had only one long-term serious relationship where I was like "Wow, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man." Before that, I did not know what true, deep love was...the kind of love that makes you feel utterly complete, like your heart has a home, and like this one person has the ability to lift you up or destroy you with one gesture or word or action. He'll always hold a very special place in my heart and I'm not ashamed to say that I'll always be indebted to this man for changing my life for the better and being the standard against which all other men will be judged. Unfortunately, he ended it with me after two years almost two years ago because he was not ready for a life-long commitment and had a lot of things he had to accomplish. Now he is living in another country but visits my city about twice a year. We have resumed our friendship after unsuccessful attempts at being friends after the breakup. I contacted him late last year to tell him I was ready to be friends and things picked up quickly from there. Lately, we email each other once a week each and he will visit soon but we are strictly friends with maybe some flirtation on the side. I still love him though not in a romantic way and cry for what I lost with him even after two years but I realize that we can't be together, at least not now or for years to come or maybe never again. I could not accept that for over a year after the break up. But I still value his friendship and am so glad that we have resumed contact because he knows me better than anyone and literally saved my life. After the break up though, I cried non-stop for months, couldn't look at or converse with another man for a year, and basically was in a deep depression for over a year. I literally could not see the light for a year. Getting through any task was a conscious effort and struggle. Not contacting him was a daily struggle for a year, and I still find it hard to not speak to him for long periods of time. But I did not lose weight like you because I love to eat even though my appetite was not as good as usual. I am so glad that is over though.
What happened is that I met someone else, not that he was right for me, but he took my mind off of my ex, and was the first guy after my ex. I fell for him hard but he was not looking for a relationship with anyone and was basically a bad boy. I quickly moved on to someone else so I would not feel any pain or loneliness even though I was with him for maybe three months and he did not treat me the way that I deserved. The next and last guy I was with, I was with for six months but literally felt nothing for him though he seemed to be developing feelings for me and I had to end it because of that. He was a good guy but I feel like he did not understand me, and I was constantly comparing him to my ex of two years. I felt so unfulfilled with him and so empty. It is hard to describe but I actually felt relieved when I broke up with him and felt trapped being with him. I just woke up one day and realized that I can never love him, I don't enjoy kissing him nor do I feel attracted to him physically, sex is no longer enjoyable, I don't feel like like taking the two hour trip to see him, and that I'd rather read a book instead. I didn't give the break up a second thought after that. Maybe it was because we didn't even argue once. I think that pretty much says it all.
But now I've been single for two months almost and I'm aching to be in a relationship again, one that will turn into love. I keep thinking that I haven't been in a loving relationship for two years, and I'm thinking, okay, it's been long enough and it must be coming soon, and it will hit me hard when it happens. I don't know if it will happen that way but I am remaining optimistic because I need to. I still get excited when my ex of two years comes to town but not in the same way that I would if we were together. Seeing him reminds me that there's someone out there who loved me and still loves me, and he does. He makes no secret of it and had told me last time I saw him one and a half years after the break up (this December) that there's been noone else that has moved him like me since our breakup. I literally broke down in tears and grabbed hold of him when he said that and I had to leave quickly out of embarrassment. It did not help that he was drying my tears and hugging and kissing me as I tried to compose myself but that is what he is like. That last time I saw him, before I broke down, he was kissing me on the cheek several times for no apparent reason like he did when we were together, he was touching my hair lovingly as I spoke, he had all the mementos that I ever gave him and he still looked at me lovingly which completely astounded me. I was not acting that way toward him at all maybe because I was seeing the other guy at the time but felt great that he still felt that way about me. That's what keeps me going and believing that I will find love again, and that it will be right the next time. I hope this helps in feeling like you are not alone. Best wishes to you.
Edited 5/14/2005 11:37 pm ET ET by ivegotsauce
What an interesting question. I think that for me, it really depended on the circumstances of the breakup. Because I've been the one to end most of my relationships, I will say that most of the time, the recuperation time has been fairly minimal. Ending a relationship not headed in the right direction has always brought me a great sense of relief (and new found appreciation for being single).
Despite this, it still usually takes me a couple of months to feel "well" enough emotionally to re-enter the dating pool.
As I get older, the stronger realizations of what I'm looking for in a partner, what I am willing or unwilling to sacrifice and ultimately, my true happiness helps to affirm the decisions I've made in my relationships. Sure, it hurts to break up. And it's never an easy thing to endure.... but in the end, things usually work out just as they should.
One last thing I've learned: All those great qualities the last boyfriend had, but doubted you'd ever find again in someone else? They really aren't that elusive. There will always be someone out there who suits you...it's just a matter of crossing each other's path!
after a breakup i think about it sometimes but i always figure that if the "gods that be" meant for us to be together and it's not to be, for whatever reason, i let go and don't worry about it.
relationships, friendships, everything in life comes and goes... the point to it all is to be resilient and to not destroy yourself wondering what might have been.
the emptiest people i know are the one's who let life's little glitches interfere in their journey to go forward.
i let go. and while sometimes i regret certain specifics about a particular relationship, i always know that the person in the past is only a step towards what is to come.
no need to worry or lament. life is full of adventures and it's best to be open to them rather than shutting the door.
Words to live by. It's taken me a long time to get to that point. When I was younger, breakups devastated me, especially since I was usually the dumpee. I cringe now when I remember how debilitating breakups were for me. I hate being so out of control.
I think I have a healthier attitude now, though at my age (43) I also fear that every relationship is my last chance. And it's easy to say I wouldn't freak out like that again when it's been awhile since I fell for someone really hard.
Fortunately, I like living alone, and am prepared to remain single if that's how things turn out. I won't settle -- I realized this after breaking up with my recent boyfriend. There was never real chemistry, but I let it go on longer than I should've just to be sure and finally, when I ended it, I felt so relieved that I knew I did the right thing.
>>I let it go on longer than I should've just to be sure and finally, when I ended it, I felt so relieved that I knew I did the right thing.
Yup, been there! My last relationship was almost 4 years of waiting & wondering and it seriously tore me up when it finally ended. But only for a short while, because I realized it had been 'over' for many months already and I quickly came to terms with the fact that this just wasn't the person I was 'meant' to be with. The worst part was staying with him and seeing SO much potential, knowing him more deeply than probably anyone, yet watching him fritter away his time and energy on immature self-destruction. I hope someday he will grow up and become on the outside who he is on the inside, but that's really not my problem. In the meantime I had neglected so many parts of myself & my other friendships & my own personal growth & goals, so when the relationship finally ended, I was freed to rediscover myself and realize that I can be happier on my own than I ever could with him.
I definitely handle breakups better now than I did when I was younger, having gone through several and always learning something valuable from each unique experience. Maybe most importantly, I've learned to appreciate that the significant relationships have all played some part in evolving into the person I am today.
icarrie, you sound like a very well put-together woman :)
good for you! that's so rare...
have a great evening
I think I have only really had my heart broken once, I'm 28, ironically it was my shortest relationship, we dated for only about 6 months (we broke up this past September) but it was such an intense relationship that it just destroyed me after he broke it off. It was for the best but I was just so head over heels, I didn't eat for days and I made myself sleep because being awake was literally too painful because I thought about him constantly.
I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years in college (from 20- to almost 24) and I broke up with him, he wanted to get married but I was too young and didn't want to be tied down, plus things started surfacing about him that made me question things. I never looked back from that one. My next relationship was about two years later and a guy I dated for a year, he really hurt me but I got over that hurt much faster than I did with my most recent relationship. It really seems like some people just get into your heart and under your skin even if you may not know them for particularly long. My last relationship ending was the catalyst for my doing some major changes (improvements). As some may recall from my previous posts, I moved to a new city and started all over and I'm very happy now. I sometimes think of my ex but not in a romantic way, just sort of reminiscing sometimes.
Everyone has scars, I try not to become one of those people who builds a wall. Even though I got hurt pretty badly, I do have some great memories and I remember how wonderful I felt being with him so it gives me hope that I can find it again and feeling that way about someone again.
For me it has gotten easier w/age and the more times i go through it(unfortunately)..
However, I also find it depends on how i really felt about the other person. If I was truly enamored and fell quickly and how I was treated in the r'ship and how much time and energy I spent. I have had several break ups in the last few years that were short term r'ships and i had a lot of fun, but I think I knew these men were not the men I wanted to be in my life long term and when it ended I bounced back very quickly and had desire to date right away again(like w/ in a 1 week or 2)
However, the mostrecent r'ship (7 months)I had I have had a terrible time w/it. I also believe it depends on where your self esteem is at that moment. when we broke I started blaming myself but again this man I felt differently for than the past. So it has taken longer and i have had no desire to date until recently. But I had put a lot of energy into the r'ship I really fell for this man, and maybe that is why It has been harder to let go for ME..
My rship of 4 years was very very difficult. This man a man I thought was going to marry me but had things he had to do first and then we both realized things started missing. and we grew apart. But he was a great man in my life and made me feel wonderful in the r'ship I still miss him dearly that was 3 years ago, but I do know he is not the one I am supposed to end up with.
so for me it's not the length of the r'ship , it's how much I put my heart out there and this past one I put my heart out there a lot.. i grabbed it back up right now and hope I can let it go to someone else again.
I also believe it is important to go through the stages of letting go .. it's not about the fear of being alone just letting go and grieving, being angry, remember the good and bad stuff ,denial, blame and then finally acceptance and in no order.. and never beat yourself up if it taking longer than you imagined.. sometimes it just does.
I'd like to think I handle breakups well... :)
I always have to laugh when I hear friends of mine asserting how they're "taking a break" and not getting back into it... yet they're cruising the OLD sites immediately.
From that, I've always tried to be honest with myself- if I'm saying one thing ("I'm giving it a few months, just getting into myself") and doing something else (redoing my profile, browsing the OLD sites) it's a big danger sign for me and I know that I'm heading down a bad path.
Something else I've learned the hard way (by screwing it up) is that there's a fine line between trying to get back together with someone, or even just remaining good friends with them, and making a fool out of yourself and letting someone abuse you.
My last ex, I was still into after we broke up. However, after a while I realized that it was not a healthy relationship, despite the fact that we both wanted (or seemed to want) to remain friends. I had to quit dealing with her, unfortunately, which has been great for me.
The key is to maintain your own dignity. There's nothing wrong with being bummed, depressed and sad, but be dignified about it, give it a bit of time, and then move onward and upwards! :)
I think there's a time/way to put the loss of the relationship behind you, and then you drive onward. It's a good way to take a chance to reflect and make changes to yourself.
(Edited because the first version was too mean/harsh/bitter. Hey, I can change! LOL)
Edited 5/19/2005 6:12 pm ET ET by niceguyonline122004
"Psychowhore- I hope you get an STD, it'd be proof that karma works."
Nice. And from someone who regularly preaches about bettering themselves by bettering the world around them. Oh man, is this the new and improved fuzzier side of NG we've all been hearing about?
Incidentally, I wonder how this gals side of the story plays out...
Edited 5/19/2005 11:54 pm ET ET by skydance2002
Pages