How do you keep your emotions out of it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
How do you keep your emotions out of it?
16
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:51am

Okay, tonight is supposed to be my third meet with someone, and I'm SOOOOOOOOO afraid that I'm starting to care.

In case you just started reading, I've had "problems" in the past where I cared about the other person too prematurely and got hurt. Of course, I bounced back and continued and said our motto: "NEXT!" But still, the hurting sucked. The wondering if I'll hear from the person, the process of being blown off because the person liked someone else better, you know the story - the facts of life. And I'm sure I've done that to people too. But it just sucked being on the "being hurt" side of the coin.

SO, now I am really concerned that I am starting to like this guy, possibly prematurely, and I want to STOP!

Please give me advice on how to NOT like someone so much............

ORRRRR, please promise me that you will be there when I get hurt again because I let my heart start to get involved, and come crying to you all for support.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:19am

Well, good luck and all that. But really, dear:

I wonder if you've given some thought as to what's happened in the past couple of days? You have an awkward phone call with one guy and Next him. Another guy plays hot potato with you and you like him.

I spent my 20s chasing the heat so I recognize the signs.

I'm sure people like to tell you that you are too trusting, have a romantic outlook, etc. etc. That may be so, but it's a fact that if you play with a flame you are going to get burned.

Impossible to keep one's emotions out of anything. But it is essential to use intelligence to make one's choices in life.

Please be careful with this guy. He doesn't sound like he's looking for anything long term.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:21am
if I had the answer I'd be rich. I tend to do the same thing. It's human nature to care for other people especially when you talk and learn more about each other. It sucks to when nothing comes of it and you have to start the process over and over. I'm not good at it at all. Good luck and don't think about it, just try to have fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:23am

I think Sheri has the best advice in this area. In the very early stages, just figure that each time you talk, email, or see each will be the last time. You can have hope, but still try to keep your expectations low. Remember, you're just going out for a nice dinner (or whatever), you are NOT determining the fate of the rest of your life. Keep some perspective. Go out, have fun, and enjoy yourself -- that's what dating should be about!

Holly

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:48am

What helps me is to use thought-stopping when I am thinking and daydreaming about someone new. I stop myself from the train of thought, and say something to myself like, "yes, he seems great but it's really early. Time will tell." Do that 100 times a day if you have to.

I would also remind myself of the red flags in the situation as part of the above if there are any (and if this is the guy who mixed you up with someone else, there definitely are).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:45pm

You're saying that I go for the wrong type, aren't you. That I go for the ones that treat me like sh*t.... Geez, I don't know - is that true? I never really thought about that...? I hope not! But I think I may reconsider my "nexting" awkward phonecall dude. I mean, ya never know...... and perhaps I should not pass it up just yet.

And just maybe, that will help me keep my emotions out of the whole kit and kaboodle.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:47pm

You can't control your feelings/emotions - they come from an unconscious gut reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:49pm

OMG - thank you Sheri. I never thought of "thought stopping".

I guess I am afraid that if I think about the red flags too much I may push myself onto saying "next" prematurely. I think I need to find that happy medium still. I'd say that perhaps I'm closer to it than I was back in the first days of OLD for me, but still not there. I think the thought stopping thing will work! I'm going to write that down.

Thanks again, and take care,
Jayme

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:58pm

It's really the classic question of dating, isn't it? How to keep our emotions from getting out of hand...

The other classic question: How do we find love without risking getting hurt?

Like Donna said, if any of us had the answer we would be rich. :) But I think that the answer lies in combining techniques and finding what works for each of us. We have to examine how things have been in the past, and the things that lead to results we don't like are things we need to change.

For example, like Sheri said, we can figure each time we see someone is the last time on a friendly level. Or we can practice intentionally thought-stopping. (It sounds screwy, but it really really works for some people. When you find yourself thinking a certain way, you stop and say- out loud if you have to- "I am not going to worry about that right now.")

The other thing to recognize is that our emotions, particularly when they are out of proportion to the situation (like falling madly in love with someone without really knowing them well enough), usually stem from something INSDIE of ourselves that might need some repair work.

Like if you find yourself going nutso over someone after just a couple of dates, you might think "hmm, why is it that I feel a need so badly to be in love?"

My own deal was that after I'd been seeing someone for a while, and we're getting fairly serious, I might become less attentive and kind and caring. So I said to myself "why am I doing that" and I realized it was because I was afraid of getting "locked down", so I would subconsciously put less into the relationship. As you can imagine, this was not always very good for my relationships! :(

But then again, finally realizing it and changing it has been very good for my relationships. :)

So I would suggest that you look at yourself and try not only to see what your emotions are, but where they are coming from and why you are having them. It can be a hard experience and you might be surprised at what you find, but it can also be very interesting and a great way to learn and grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 1:20pm

OK, well my advice is to NOT go back to the guy you cancelled on unless he calls you back. Sorry, but you might wind up looking wishy-washy if you keep going back and forth. If he calls and reschedules, great - go out with him I think you should have kept the date in the first place. If he doesn't, I think you should let it go.

You may be picking the wrong guys. I know I usually do. You just have to protect yourself and if you wind up feeling strange about something, keep it in your mind as something to watch. So your third meeting IS with the guy that called the wrong # and then bailed on you after 15 minutes? If so, then yes, I think you might be picking the wrong guys! :-)

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 4:35pm

Hi CG,

I refuse to be "wrong" because I DO have a sweet,loving nature and I Care! But...as those here say and they are Truly Correct, you Have to put that armadillo armor around your heart, and save all that for the One that deserves it!

I am 48 and I Still have to stop myself from "caring"; ie, fantasizing Wayyyyy ahead of the Real. But, I come here and read when I feel myself doing that, stop and Think about WHY I am thinking so far ahead, and then get Busy doing something else for my kids, at the gym, for...omg! :O....myself! As with many things, it is a Learned behaviour.

Take it day by day,with a grain of salt (an a large maragarita glass,if possible) and keep your fences where they Are and well mended and tended!

have fun, keep moving!

Truly,
Cupcake

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