how do you know he's the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
how do you know he's the one?
20
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:28am
Hello there, I have a quick general question - when you start talking & dating with some people that you met online, how do you know eventually that one of them is your guy? I've talked with this guy, he's sweet, good in bed (oh, yeah!! :) and emotionally and financially sober and secure, yet I do not know if he's the one. Meanwhile, another cute guys occassionally send me winks, and I start thinking, "hmm.. is this guy someone who turns out to be the one? Should I talk to him?" - or should I pretty retire from online dating scene once I start regularly seeing & sleeping with a guy? I'd greatly appreciate your input. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:00am

Well, I don't have much clue how to figure out if he's the one. The best I could say is to trust your instincts.

For the second part of your post, if I am seeing someone but we haven't had the "exclusivity talk" then I don't assume we are exclusive and may keep looking. But if I'm sleeping with someone then we are exclusive (we've had the talk) and then I'm not looking. -- This is just a personal preference/opinion and not a judgment on you or anyone else.

Just my 2 cents.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

-N

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:39am

You will know who the *one* is when you know what you want and meet the one who provides it.

It's as simple as that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:00am
Great answer, amjay. I absolutely agree.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:23am

It sounds like you haven't discussed and agreed on dating exclusively, so you can do whatever you want as far as the cute guys! Personally, I need to know that we're dating exclusively before we get physically involved but that's a personal choice.

I don't believe in "the one", btw...that's too limiting. I believe there are men who are right for me. So, as I'm dating someone new, I consider the following things over the first couple months before deciding to date someone exclusively:

1. Does he want the same thing I do from a r'ship (a serious LTR leading to marriage)? If so, is he emotionally healthy and capable of a healthy r'ship?

2. Does he have integrity and character? Is he a person of his word? Are our values compatible?

3. Does he treat me well, but without being a doormat?

4. Am I attracted to him and he to me?

5. Do we have fun together? Can we talk and laugh easily, or is conversation a chore?

6. Do we enjoy at least a couple of the same activities?

7. Does he have any habits that are dealbreakers?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 5:43pm
That's a very good list Sheri.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:42pm
Thank you, everyone for great tips. I agree with amjay, and I guess honestly, I have no clue what my ultimate "want" is. I have several, and I have never met the one who had them all. I think Sheri's questions are excellent ones to think about. Actually I have thought about asking question #1 to him for long time, but I'm too scared to ask him - feel like once I ask him this question, I'll scare him off. If I say, "I'm looking for my life partner", he may think I'm asking his commitment. and frankly, I am not quite sure if he's attracted to me or to have sex with me.. uh, this is awful..!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:27pm

Hi Tonka,

I think you might consider keeping the "lid on the cookie jar" for a while, Until you know if the man 'could' be The One. Personally, I have gotten rid of a lot of "posers"; who said they wanted committment, etc, but were just looking for throwdown sex, by NOT having a physical relationship for at Least 6 weeks...if they don't hang around to get to know Me, and vaporize, then I have my answer!

Ding! Next--because it is very hard to separate your feelings once you Have had sex with someone...well, it is for me..

Truly,
Cupcake

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 1:27am

That's why I usually cover that question early on...in the first date or two, so it's clear that I'm asking what he's looking for *in general* and not with me (and vice versa).

I think I've posted this link to you before but if not, this might help:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 6:52am

Tonka,

tsk, tsk, tsk -- you let him have dessert before he finished the meal.

That's ok if you both like eating dinner at that pace - but you're asking to do a formal dinner and he wants to keep hopping out for a sundae.

In life, people react the way that we let them and train them to. Guaranteed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:30pm

I disagree; I’m sure this could help in some cases but as a rule when you meet someone who see’s something in you (deeper than casual dating and sex, see’s a future) you don’t need to have the technical talk. It will be like are you seeing anyone, no, I took my ad down after our 5th date and have no intentions and you’ll say, wow, me too – that easy! I think most people analyze relationships to death when in reality when you meet someone on the same page with the same connection and mind set you’ll just know and you won’t have any desire to keep dating others. In fact, if this was your guy you wouldn’t have posted this message, seriously. You’re still curious and flattered to received winks, personally I knew very early on (first couple of dates) I was not going to be dating others with my current relationship AND I still went slow; waited a month to get more intimate, we became friends first and dated the old fashioned way. Most of my serious relationships that were more long term I didn’t need to ask or consult friends first on how to find out if we were exclusive the ones that I did were very short lived as it was more forced then a natural thing that just happened and we didn’t hold back!

Just my two cents!

Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu

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