how do you know he's the one?
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how do you know he's the one?
| Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:28am |
Hello there, I have a quick general question - when you start talking & dating with some people that you met online, how do you know eventually that one of them is your guy? I've talked with this guy, he's sweet, good in bed (oh, yeah!! :) and emotionally and financially sober and secure, yet I do not know if he's the one. Meanwhile, another cute guys occassionally send me winks, and I start thinking, "hmm.. is this guy someone who turns out to be the one? Should I talk to him?" - or should I pretty retire from online dating scene once I start regularly seeing & sleeping with a guy? I'd greatly appreciate your input. Thanks.

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What are you disagreeing with? If it comes up in conversation, great, but that's not always going to be the case, and that doesn't necessarily mean that the guy isn't right for you or isn't into you.
What you describe IS a "technical talk"! It can be that easy.
Sheri
Just don't pull out any contracts and ask him to sign on the dotted line, LOL. :-)
No, what we had was very natural, far from technical. It was like discussing the weather. You and I both know most of the posters freak out at the thought of having the talk. When it happened with us I hadn't even thought about it, it just happened therefore I have never had doubts or anxieties about it, make sense? I always knew were I stood very early on. How many posters write their fears on this board or doubt their guys sincerity or if their on the same page? Trust your gut and most don't! They rationalize away all their worries/red flags.
This poster doesn't know where she stands and frankly she's not ready to be committed if she's still excited other guys are writing her -- she's NOT ready, that simple. If she was then she wouldn't have any desire and find it annoying NOT flattering but that's my opinion and she wouldn't have posted this she'd feel comfortable enough to ask her guy if she was wanting that but I don't think she does!
SP
But you covered the ground you needed to (establishing exclusivity), so it WAS the "technical talk" about exclusivity (as opposed to assuming exclusivity). It went naturally and easily, which is great! My experience has been this way also, if the guy is sincere about wanting to date exclusively...the discussion is quick and painless.
I agree with the rest of what you've posted...this guy that Tonka's involved with has rubbed me the wrong way from the get go and I think her instincts are telling her he's wrong for her, also.
Sheri
Agree on that second part; not sure about it being technical when I think of technical I think of it being planned out. No worries either way.
SP
haha...sheri and SP, wait, wait, you guys are too quick to come to the conclusion.. It's been only 3 months since I met him, o.k.? I am still in the process of finding out who he is, and I admit, probably sleeping was too soon and was not the best answer. My instinct hasn't said anything whether he is the wrong one or not. I don't think I know him very well yet, and there're things I need to find out eventually, like Sheri's questions. I'm feeling a little scared yet to ask these questions, as I feel like asking all of them within a few months would scare him away. On the contrary, if I'm dating him, let's say, for 10 months, or 1 year, I think I'm totally entitled to find out all answers. I don't think he knows me very well yet, either.
The reason I am considering responding to other people is, like someone said, I am so afraid of putting all eggs in one basket - i.e. him. It's not anything like my instinct says I need to find someone else and he's a wrong one. Every time I see him, there're more things I am attracted to, but I am not quite sure of his feelings or his wants, and as I said above, I am afraid, still, to ask him about them. I just wanted to find out what the key factor that you perceive is to find out that the person you are seeing is the one.
I hope that things work out...I can only go off my own experience, which is that any time I've been *afraid* to ask a guy questions like that (as opposed to being a little nervous) it's been because I knew in my heart that the answers would not be the ones I was looking for.
Again, I can only reiterate my firm belief that a guy who's right for you CANNOT be scared off, because he will be on the same page and want the same things.
I just don't like the way he treated you early on...that's not to say he can't redeem himself and I hope he does!
Sheri
>>On the contrary, if I'm dating him, let's say, for 10 months, or 1 year, I think I'm totally entitled to find out all answers.
Why would you wait that long?
Are you immortal?
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, I know, even today I asked him, "you don't seem to call that much. Would you mind if I sometimes call you to just chat?" after getting intimate! It's an opposite order!! er, it makes sense that the real one doesn't get scared off. That's a good point.. hmm..
Just to be clear, I don't think you should be asking about "committment" quite yet...at this point in your r'ship, what I'd be focusing on is, 1, are you on the same page with what you want from a r'ship *in general* (it's too soon to know if you want it with each other as yet), and 2, is he willing to date exclusively so the two of you can focus on getting to know each other to see if you might be right for each other. As Spiceman notes in his post on the talk, focusing on making a serious committment to each other doesn't come until further down the road...
Sheri
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