How do you know when a guy bi or gay…
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How do you know when a guy bi or gay…
| Thu, 08-03-2006 - 10:35am |
.... is Pretending to be straight? I was having a discussion yesterday with a coworker and she said a gay male friend of hers was saying that a lot of men who pretend to be straight and are married or have girlfriends lead double lives. He said football players, lawyers you name it show up at these gay clubs.

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Okay first of all it's DOWN-LOW (as in keep this on the DL) not download, download is what you do on a computer.
Secondly, just because someone enjoys shopping and dancing does not make them gay, that is complete stereotyping I thought we have moved past that in society by now.
As far as the guy with the high voice, I don't get how that made him gay either. So he had a high voice, while that may have been a turnoff, that didn't necessarily make him gay.
There are definitely men on the down-low (DL)I think you just need to trust your instincts with people and if you get a gut feeling about someone you are dating go with it. It's on the DL for a reason, because they don't feel comfortable with their sexuality for it to be out in the open. Is it right? NO. But unfortunately society is still not that accepting, our society may have come a long way but they haven't come that far yet. So you need to just trust your own instincts on dating.
Smile,
Deirdre
Your missing my point, I did not say if
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Do you think gays are only in the arts or interior decorating?
Career doesn't have anything to do with ones sexuality, so I'm not sure what point you are trying to make.
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What error?
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How is he in denial? Bi's have sex with both men and women.
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So now loving shopping and dancing makes a man gay?
This post is full of generalities and misconceptions...which DOES make it a good topic for conversation - addressing those can only be helpful.
Personally, I don't rely on "gaydar". I'd rather get to know the man for who he is.
Some time ago, I struggled with dating an openly bi man...I just wasn't comfortable with that in a long term relationship.
I guess your post can be broken down into two categories:
1) How can you "suss out" if someone you are dating is in the closet?
2) How comfortable are you with open bisexuality in your (potential) relationship?
The man that was on Oprah, was J.L. King who himself lives on the DL (now divorced). The term "DL" seems to be prevalent within the black community; especially since a lot of men that are pro football players, rappers, married men w/children, etc.; basically men you would have no clue where gay are living this double life. Law and Order did a show on this. Men have weekly poker parties; and they bedroom swap. Most were married (affluent job - lawyers, doctors, pro ball players). Some believe society and/or media have helped to create an environment where black gay and bisexual men feel compelled to lead double lives. Also apparent, is the alarming rate of HIV infection among black women. Of course, Governor McGreeley (New Jersey) proved that the down low is not just a black thing. His wife must have been going through a full range of emotions the day she stood next to him at his press conference. Irregardless, it's also cheating in my book as well no matter who he is sleeping with.
I have friends who are homosexuals, and have visited quite a few gay bars; and can tell you that I was floored by some of the men who visited these establishments. Boy can they party! LOL I know your post states "how do you know when a guy is bi or gay; but add transgender; transsexual; cross dressing, pre-op transsexual. Geez! I have also met men online who met a transsexual, but didn't know. Couple of weeks ago, I had a meet w/a guy who is heterosexual; but didn't mind sharing with me his experience in college with a big football player. I know a transsexual (who is absolutely beautiful) but still has a "pecker" and meets men ALL the time and once behind closed doors; they are okay with the fact that she was/is a man. Go figure! Tyra Banks just did a show on this. She asked them when do they tell men; and if they hadn't been beaten by a man because of it or for not telling them initially, their statements were from the onset and/or after a few months. The majority met their men online.
I feel for the younger generation cause we live in such a sex-saturated enviroment and nowadays they are experimenting on all levels at such a young age. I'm amazed when I go to the malls these days, and the young people have no issues parading around with their same-sex lovers. They are also very open about experimentation.
How can you tell? I really don't know. You mention metrosexual, add swingers; sex clubs, orgies, hedonism, and open marriages. Homosexual men seem to know -- they have gaydar! (smile) Follow your gut and intuition. I consider myself ole skool (spelled accordingly). If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's a duck. I don't like extremely feminine men, men who wear pink shirts, wear dangling earrings, high-pitch voices, excessive jewelry, has a sway in his walk, wears makeup, prefers anal sex the majority of the time, to name a few. They may not be gay; but those behaviors make me uncomfortable and suspicious. Besides asking, and I ASK ALWAYS, and by spending time w/him he doesn't fall into any of my "don't like" categories, you can only hope that you have met a decent, straight, non-cheating guy.
Prayer helps too! (smile)
Edited 8/3/2006 11:38 am ET by tstephnic
Tsphenic wrote a nice post, check hers out this is the type of feedback, dialogue I was hoping to stimulate.
The point of my post was to pull apart the generalities and misconceptions. Not my problem if you don't like how I responded.
As for "how you know" - IMO you get to know someone very well before you become committed. If your instincts tell you something is off because they are hiding truths from you, you need to listen to those instincts...not shrug them off.
Funny about the bi thing. I thought I'd be OK with it, but I wasn't. He's a great guy, but I just couldn't get past his sexuality. Doesn't make me a bad person - but I feel better about it because I was open to getting to know him and figure it out.
I think I understand what Small Peanut was trying to say- maybe she didn't express in her words. I saw the same Oprah show she is speaking of. For me, I too am not comfortable with a bi-sexual man- but for other reasons too- I just trully believe that for the most part, you have a preference for one or the other. But again, lets say I'm wrong, and I'm in a relationship with a man- who is to say that after a few years he might decide he misses men- and need that. I would always be wondering if male friends- were really just that.
I think that there are men who coin themselves as "bi" because its too hard to admit to being gay. My Uncle is one of those people. After many years of people thinking he was gay (but used women as a beard)- he finally admitted to being "bi"- I trully believe he is gay- which is FINE with me! He still now acts that he dates mostly women- but I don't believe that he really likes women in the same way. I believe he wants to be accepted by society. He cheated on his wife (while she was pregnant) with a man- I found out.
I've worked around a lot of gay men- and most do have some sort of trait that I don't find in straight men- but then again, I find feminine straight men as well. My first boyfriend was always suspected of being feminine (this was at age 13!)- and he finally came out at age 24!
I don't believe you always know- there are people that I had NO idea about- being gay, being a drug user, stealing, whatever. I don't think you always know. (I mean look at situations like Enron, etc.- that people didn't know what was going on for quite some time- and then look at things like when Nathan Lane or Rosie O'Donnell came out- but I wasn't surprised- but some people were)
I think its hard to generalize, but when meeting someone- I'd take a lot at their friends, their dating history, etc. There are men who WANT to have the straight life- and then can't handle it anymore- there are plenty of people out there who are not accepting of things- its sad, but when you are in a big city- or have a supportive family-you forget that no everyone is as accepting.
Excellent post - thanks Arial and your Uncle is what I was trying to convey. I tend to type fast with typos etc when I'm in a hurry - I thought of this THIS am before leaving for work and was hoping for some good lunch time reading!
Glad my post wasn't confusing to you in spite of typing fast w/out all the trimmings (details) down to the bed skirt and pillow shams, wink!
You wrote:
I agree about following your insticts but in some cases these women could not tell or so they say!
SP
How many pounds of peanuts are consumed in the United States each year?
2.4 billion pounds! About 50% is consumed as peanut butter.Pages