How do you step away from your "type"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How do you step away from your "type"?
11
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 10:28pm

I decided to bite the bullet and go back on Match.com. I haven't been on an OLD site since early summer, and not on Match.com for well over a year. But I figured that in the winter, I obviously won't be getting out a lot of places to meet guys, so unless I want to wait another 6 months, I might as well do it.

But here's my problem.

I'm attracted to tall guys, at least 5'10" (b/c I'm 5'8"), dark hair, and kind of boyish looking...think Ben Affleck, Ashton Kutcher. My friends call them "Abercrombie guys".

But it's quite obvious that those guys don't really find me attractive, because the kinds of guys that have been responding to my profile are more...outdoorsy, teddy bear type guys...think Jack Black, Jack Osborne.

And I'm honestly just not attracted to them. I'm trying to widen my perspective, and am responding and e-mailing guys that I would normally pass by, but I'm just not feeling it, for the most part...I just prefer more boyish looking guys than rugged manly guys.

I know that physical attraction is only a small part of dating, but what do you do when you just *can't* get past it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 11:14pm

Oh my gosh, I so could have written the exact question! I too am enamoured with the youthful "Abebercrombie" look. I'm 29 and there is a 20 year old guy at work who could be a A&F model and he makes me stutter and blush. He just so darn cute, but alas, he's too young for me {{{sigh}}}

Anyway, I also tend to go for guys who are muscular and tall (but they must have pretty faces). Unfortunately those guys are hot and they know it, so I'm also trying to branch out of my "type." Currently I'm dating a guy who is my height when I have heels on and who has almost the exact size body. I'm 5'6" and 125 lbs, so for a guy that's kinda small. But he has the most amazing eyes and he is so so sweet and we mesh in so many levels. And I almost dinged him because his picture did not fall in line with my predisposed idea of what I wanted. But I made the conscious effort to give him a chance, and I'm glad I did.

So, I guess the only advice I have is to just focus on other aspects and if the guy seems like a fit in other areas, you should just go out with him and see what happens. Attraction is not always physical. I know that's easier said than done...I still grapple with it. And yeah...the teddy bears/outdoorsy types seem to be all over the dating sites. What's the deal with that anyway? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 1:01pm

For me, someone who is confident, driven - has an engaging personality (intelligent) is FAR sexier then some albocrombie model.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:32pm

Hi, I too am having to come to terms with the fact that the type of man that attracts me is just not going to be attracted to me, though my problem is less with what the guy looks like than with height (I prefer them 5'10" or taller, but mostly I get 5'8" or shorter) and education. (I have two graduate degrees and I read a lot. I'd like a man who is my intellectual equal or superior.)

I dropped out of online dating a couple of months ago, totally disgusted with my prospects. But I am lonely and having second thoughts. Maybe it's time to sign up with another service and accept that I should be happy to find someone kind and sweet, even if they aren't well-read and so on.

I wish I weren't so picky. And if someone knows of how to stop being picky, I'd love to hear it.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:21pm

Hi Elsa,
Here is an idea to become less picky, and it relies on you figuring WHY you are picky about certain things. Make a list of the qualities your ideal guy must have. Then mark those that are deal breakers. Be honest, only you are going to see this. Be as shallow as you want ;) For me, height is a deal breaker. I absolutely WILL NOT date a guy who is shorter than me. Next, write down your reasons for wanting the qualities you seek. Why does he have to have blue eyes (or brown or green)? Why does he have to be educated (you already answered that one)? When you see the reasons for wanting something it helps you put it into perspective and hopefully you'll be able to see that what you once thought was a deal breaker was really something petty that isn't that important.

HTH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:48am

"Maybe your afraid of a relatioship so you hide behind "your type" ever think of that?"


I've had a few people say that to me, but to be honest, I really don't think that's true of me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:36am

Well, on line dating has certainly changed the way we date either way.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:55am

How do you step away from your type? I guess my answer is simple, you just do.

I definitely have a thing for the "abercrombie" guys you described as well... I think just about all women find them attractive on some level. The thing is, the guys that are tall, well dressed and all that have no trouble meeting women in person, so they don't have as much need to try online dating. Compare that with a more rugged guy who enjoys outdoor activities... a guy like that is definitely not likely to meet a woman while he's out fishing/hunting/camping/hiking/working on his car, and even though these guys enjoy manly activities, it doesn't mean they want a tomboy or a girl who spends all her free time doing them too.

I know I dealt with this same issue, because I definitely like those tall, handsome guys I would see when I'd go out in the city. I would send these guys messages online and never get any response; meanwhile, I have 10 unanswered messages from guys whose profiles are all about camping and video games. I guess what I finally decided to do was just go out with one of the guys that I wasn't initially as excited about. I met my current bf, and he was a total gentleman. He did everything right, but I still wasn't totally convinced. Eventually, I introduced him to some of my friends and family and everyone LOVED him! I guess somewhere along the line it just clicked for me that he was way better for me than the pretty boy types I had been previously seeking out. I found different things to be attracted to this time... I like that now I'm the fashionable one, lol! My current bf can move my piano, something none of those guys I was previously attracted to would be able to do. I also found that there are so many great things about my bf that he didn't advertise at all in his profile (I still don't know why); like how he's a black belt and teaches self defense classes and such, things I think are really cool.

Anyway, I guess my point is that you can move out of your "type" whenever you want to, you just decide to do it. If it really feels wrong, then try someone else, but I definitely think it is possible to be surprised. Obviously you shouldn't go out with someone you are totally un-attracted to, but if you can at least appreciate a person's appearance, even if it isn't necessarily your type, I think there's potential for something to develop.

That's just my two cents! Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 3:29pm
Lol, this post cracked me up...i wish i had a good answer, but I had a date on saturday night with a 22 year old abercombieish looking boy...I'm 28. Clearly i am not going to find anything serious if i continue to like guys based on a certain look...however look are important to me. We women complain about men have these crazy beauty standards for women...but i think women are just as bad. At the same time I dont want someone overweight who doesnt take care of themselves...there seem to be many people like that out there today...I wonder if I will grow out of this...I shouldnt have to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:36pm

"I've had a few people say that to me, but to be honest, I really don't think that's true of me. I'm definitely NOT afraid of a relationship. But a lot of guys who I just do not find attractive write to me online. I know pictures aren't always accurate, but really, what if I met the person and they DON'T look better in person, or if they look WORSE? Then I'm STILL not attracted, only now I've led the guy on by corresponding with him. Not to toot my own horn, but in my experience, when I've met up with guys I wasn't that attracted to so I could "give them a chance" and see if attraction would develop, they became quite enamoured with ME, but it just wasn't mutual. And it was very awkward each time that happened."

I couldn't have said it better myself!

I would LOVE to have a relationship, one where we both like each other the same, not that I feel from the beginning that "he likes me more" and I've had to convince myself to like him.

And I've also gone out on meets with guys that are the burly teddy bear type, to give them a chance, and I just CANNOT find myself attracted to a burly guy. I'm 5'8" and 127 lbs...I like guy-on-top, ya know? ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:05pm

Hi Lostbee,

Good idea. However, my only deal breakers are (a) smoking (b) education and (b) religion. If the guy says that he wants a "good Christian woman" or that Church is a big part of his life, I know he is not for me. I don't like to be around smokers, and although, in theory, I know that a man may be very well-educated w/out a college degree, I haven't found one online who showed signs of education without a degree... It'd be different, I think, if we met IRL.

The problem is that I'm in an age bracket where I should be grateful that ANY guy wants to go out with me. I shouldn't have any deal breakers except maybe a history of cannibalism or polygamy. Just who do I think I am?

I turned down a few guys after a couple of dates when I was doing OLD earlier, and although I don't exactly regret it (they weren't for me, and I would have been leading them on to keep going out with them), I sort of wish I had been able to be content with one of them.

The holidays are coming and it looks like I will be spending NYE with my cat. I'll put a party hat on her and we'll toast the new year in with warm milk.

Elsa

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