How fast is too fast.....in the world of on-line dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2011
How fast is too fast.....in the world of on-line dating.
8
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 9:05am

Well I haven’t posted here is quite some time, I got some really great advice and have putting that advice to use with great results. However, now I quite worried about a friend of mine who appears to be quite enamored with a man she just met. It is in my nature to be quite skeptical especially considering the length of time they have know each other and some of the things that he says.

First, they meet on a dating website (she’s 35 and he’s 45 ) and after exchanging IM messages for about a week they finally decided to meet at a local bar for drinks or what he called a “chemistry check”. Everything seems to have gone well because he is already expressing to her that he misses her, and how he can't stop thinking about her. He also said that after chatting with her he had deleted his dating profile.  

She happened to share one of his message with me but I didn’t know how to advise her. He said and I quote “I believe that Fate brought you and I together. I thought I knew somewhat what I needed, but I wasn't sure exactly what. I had doubts as to whether I was moving down the right path looking for a significant other. After a very short time with you, though, I knew exactly who I needed. I am 100% confident that you are the right path for me!” I understand love (or maybe lust) at first sight, but do men really fall this hard this fast or does this seem a bit desperate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
That would be off putting for me but I am a little jaded. But sometimes people meet and things do work out. My friend met a guy through Cragislist of all places--after the first date, they decided to be exclusive and they dated 2 yrs, so you never know.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

my sister met her husband on match and they've been happily married for 8 years now.  They dated for about 5 months before he proposed.  She said that he said that he knew she was a catch and he didn't want any other guy to have a chance, so he spoke up and "got the girl".

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njmonroe wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:12pt"><span style="color:#000000"><span style="font-family:Calibri">Well I haven’t posted here is quite some time, I got some really great advice and have putting that advice to use with great results. However, now I quite worried about a friend of mine who appears to be quite enamored with a man she just met. It is in my nature to be quite skeptical especially considering the length of time they have know each other and some of the things that he says. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:12pt"><span style="color:#000000"><span style="font-family:Calibri">First, they meet on a dating website (she’s 35 and he’s 45 ) and after exchanging IM messages for about a week they finally decided to meet at a local bar for drinks or what he called a “chemistry check”. Everything seems to have gone well because he is already expressing to her that he misses her, and how he can't stop thinking about her. He also said that after chatting with her he had deleted his dating profile. <span> </span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:12pt"><span style="color:#000000"><span style="font-family:Calibri">She happened to share one of his message with me but I didn’t know how to <span style="font-size:12pt">advise </span>her. He said and I quote “I believe that Fate brought you and I together. I thought I knew somewhat what I needed, but I wasn't sure exactly what. I had doubts as to whether I was moving down the right path looking for a significant other. After a very short time with you, though, I knew exactly who I needed. I am 100% confident that you are the right path for me!” I understand love (or maybe lust) at first sight, but do men really fall this hard this fast or does this seem a bit desperate. </span></span></span></p>

I see nothing wrong with it, but then again, I'm not trying to find anything wrong with it.  Does she have a problem with how it's falling out in experience for her?  They've been getting to know one another on line, they went to chat, emails and then met in person and he's decided that his idea of her matches the reality of her and he wants to pursue her.  That is called a win/win situation as far as OLD is concerned.  Your friend is very fortunate.  Generally speaking, it's quite rare that something ignites from online.  The idea of a person is too heavily invested in and the reality then becomes a let down.

The problem I see is that you're attempting to view your friend's way of looking at this as wrong compared to how you do--when at the end of the day, this has nothing to do with you. You don't approve of what the guy has said; you don't approve of how fast his ardour for her has caught fire; you don't approve of your friend's feelings for this guy. Your solution to her is what, exactly? Dump the guy so you feel comfortable about it?

What matters is how she feels about this and how he feels about her.  If it burns hot and bright and burns forever at this pace, then lovely! L'amour, l'amour, l'amour!!!  If it burns hot and bright then burns out, then she will learn to adjust her judgment the next time.  She, as a 35 yr old woman, is allowed to find out for herself what works and what doesn't without anyone else weighing in.

The fact that she's found a man whose interest in her has been declared in short order should be seen as wonderful in the grand scheme of things.  The alternative would be that she's trying to force a man's interest in her when his behavior has made plain that he's not intersted in her.  Everything else will be sorted in the wake and the success of the relationship will either stand or fall with time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2011

First I’d like to say  Kendahke1 I love your enthusiasm. You seem to be very passionate. First you said “ you're attempting to view your friend's way of looking at this as wrong compared to how you do--when at the end of the day, this has nothing to do with you” . I reread my post and I can’t find one instant where I said it was wrong.

You are right this is none of my business; however I probably should have stated that SHE ask me for MY advice. In my post I specifically wrote that s “She happened to share one of his message with me but I didn’t know how to advise her”, so I thought it was implied. If my skepticism was taken as a condemnation then maybe I should has worded it differently. You also stated in your reply “You don't approve of what the guy has said; you don't approve of how fast his ardour for her has caught fire; you don't approve of your friend's feelings for this guy. Your solution to her is what, exactly? Dump the guy so you feel comfortable about it?” Again I reread my post and I still can’t find any instant where I said that I didn’t not approve nor did I imply that she should dump him. In fact the one bit of advice I did give her was to take things slow enjoy him company but be level headed.

Lastly you wrote “She, as a 35 yr old woman, is allowed to find out for herself what works and what doesn't without anyone else weighing in”. I completely agree with you, however SHE asked me to weigh in, it seems that I didn’t make that clear. Again I love your enthusiasm and the next time I post I will make sure that I am far more detailed. I just wanted to know how common it is for a man (or women for that matter) to fall so hard so fast after knowing each other for such a short time. Thanks.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

I agree with Musiclover on this one. You don't really say how long it has been from when they met and when he sent the "Fate" message. I think in general men who come on really strong like this in the beginning tend to fizzle. 

Naturally there are exceptions. This could be a match made in heaven. Having been around the block a few times, I am naturally more cautious whether we met online or not. I would be freaked out by a guy coming on so strong right away. It's not even so much that I'd think he was lying, I would worry that he was allowing himself to be swept away before even really knowing me. I'm a big fan of taking things slow. 

You might think I sound unromantic, but I assure you I am not.

And of course, as you know, she will do what she damn well pleases in spite of any advice you might give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2011
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this matter.....I stated that "after exchanging IM messages for about a week they finally decided to meet at a local bar for drinks" so they have known each other for about a 7 to 10 days. I really didn't know what to say to her and the only advice I could give was for her to just take things slow. I would be a bit skeptical and uncomfortable if a man came on to me that strong. I agree with you when you say that "in general men who come on really strong like this in the beginning tend to fizzle" and I don’t what her to be devastated if and or when that happens. I think that this should just be one of those great love affairs that she can look back on in 20 or 30 years with fondest. Thanks again.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I would have to agree with the others, in that it is way too fast. I should say is it possible it is genuine and will be long lasting? Of course it's possible, but likely? Not likely. This initial rush of feelings, he could simply be misinterpreting them. Possibly at this early stage just a strong infatuation, the "ga-ga" stage if you will. Again not saying he is deliberately trying to deceive or be dishonest, just that anything this early, not even a month yet, has to be taken with a grain of salt.

I would advise her to not judge him on this note. Let his actions speak for him on their next dates. As long as she takes it slow and steady then time will tell if things can work for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

njmonroe wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:12pt"><span style="color:#000000"><span style=>First, they meet on a dating website (she’s 35 and he’s 45 ) and after exchanging IM messages for about a week they finally decided to meet at a local bar for drinks or what he called a “chemistry check”.  He said.... “I believe that Fate brought you and I together. I thought I knew somewhat what I needed, but I wasn't sure exactly what. I had doubts as to whether I was moving down the right path looking for a significant other. After a very short time with you, though, I knew exactly who I needed. I am 100% confident that you are the right path for me!” </span></span></span></p>

         Unless they had a few 3 hour IM sessions and an 11 hour date discussing everything imaginable, he is coming off too strong too soon. "You are gorgeous and strike me as a wonderful person" wouldn't bother me. I'd also be less bothered if he was a naive 17 year old. However, a 45 year old who presumably has had prior relationship/sexual experience and at this point knows with 100% confidence makes me very suspicious. From my experience, a number of women made a great 1st impression on me, but then fizzled quickly.

        This is from a man who didn't waste time himself.  I met my wife online. She first contacted me October 30, 2006. We IMed, emailed and chatted by phone for 2 1/2 months before meeting, since we lived far away--her in the  Midwest, me in NYC. We really communicated on a deep level and at length.  Another 2 1/2 months later, in April, 2007, we got civilly married. Almost 6 years later, we are still happily married.  However, there is moving at a good speed and there is being ridiculous. I see red flags here.