How to handle a stiff
Find a Conversation
How to handle a stiff
| Wed, 02-08-2006 - 3:55am |
OK, let's say a guy you have been chatting with for about 2 months finally suggests getting together but then when the weekend comes, he mentions he is tired and won't get a chance to relax. (he lives about 70 miles away). (Before telling me how tired he was, he suggested coming down and spending the night in my town which I would not agree to). I was kind of pissed but got off the phone nicely. He has since emailed me a few times apologizing and saying we should get together again now that he has some "free" time. I havent answered his emails but I just wated t make sure I was doing the right thing. (I know there have been a few times when I was going to meet someone online but I chickened out at the last minute for a variety of reasons, mainly just feeling uncomfortable meeting someone new_. Was I too harsh or should I just forget about him?

I think you're doing exactly the right thing.
I'm a big believer in benefit-of-the-doubt and everyone deserves an allowance for ONE small screw-up early on (cancel a date, forget to call) because hey, stuff happens. As long as you let it be one time and not become a pattern.
The 'rules' of a first meet are simple: it is not a date; it's just getting together to see if there's any 'click' in person. Sometimes it's obviously there or obviously not. So you arrange to meet for coffee or whatever, in a busy public place, during the day, and keep it short.
For a date, no doubt, he should come to you. For a meet, (some would disagree, but) personally I'd meet halfway. It's supposed to be no pressure!
If you do set up a meeting, make it crystal clear (in your own mind anyway) that if he cancels again you simply cut off contact. No need to continue wasting your time on someone who can't follow through. I could tolerate once - maybe he had a rough week, whatever - but twice is just flaky.
I agree with PM. I disagree with CGUN that he "kept bagging" as it sounds like it was only once. If it continues to happen, yes, definitely next him. But know from my own experience that there are times when I just don't feel like going through the stress and hassle of a first meet if I have had a bad week or have a lot to get done.
He wanted to meet you but was tired and had a long drive in front of him to meet you for a day. He suggested staying overnight - was he planning to stay in a hotel or with you? That makes a difference too. If he was planning to stay with you, next him in a heartbeat. That is presumptuous. If he was going to do a hotel, let it slide.
Give him one more shot as long as he wasn't planning to stay with you and seems still interested in meeting. I agree - once is forgivable, twice, not so much.
I would probably forget about him considering you guys have been chatting for about 2 months. Why so long to set up a "meet and greet??"
Based upon your post, it doesn't seem like you are all that interested. Also if it's taking this long to meet, I wonder how it would be if you guys would date. Maybe it's time to evaluate what you are truly seeking and whether you are willing to deal with an LDR.
If he really likes you, I feel that he would make an effort to see you no matter what - even if he hasn't slept in 3 days and gets a flat tire on the way. If you feel he truly is sorry for canceling your date, give him a 2nd try but if lame excuses continue, I'd move on.
Just my 2 cents.
Jamie
At this early stage, it is too early for him to tell if "he really likes her". He doesn't know her!
He has to travel 70 miles to meet a stranger and if he's really tired, or not in the mood... things happen! I had a flat tire once when heading to meet someone - after waiting for over an hour for AAA, I had NO desire to meet some stranger. Same thing a few weeks ago - I was supposed to meet a guy on New Years Day for lunch. I was tired and really wanted to enjoy my holiday, not get stressed out by meeting some guy.
But I do agree. One strike, anything more and he's out.
That is true...I guess I'm just wondering why he might make plans for a weekend date 70 miles away, fully knowing that by following through with it he wouldn't have time to relax in the first place. And it made me wonder why he decided not to come visit only AFTER she told him she didn't think it'd be a good idea for him to spend the night.
Then again, I'm new to the online dating world so I read into things way too much and may be just a little over-guarded. That, and I just read Greg Behrendt's book "He's Just Not That Into You", and I feel like I'm on some kind of power trip now like I have guys all figured out. I don't really, but still :)
I definitely agree, but maybe what happened was last minute - he had a really horrible day and hadn't INTENDED to bail but did. He's making an effort so I'm for the ONE more chance.
But interesting take on the bailing after the refusal for the overnight. It sounded to me like he didn't want to go and come back in the same day so was saying no to that but was saying he'd come and stay overnight so he didn't have a 140 mile round trip in a day. Could have been presumptuous, but could have just been that too. Who knows? ;-)