How to Interpret This

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
How to Interpret This
23
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:27pm

Okay, so I have made it to a _second_ meet and greet. And the guy is talking about dating. But I like him a lot less after meeting than before. This is why:

1. We met for lunch at a soup and sandwich place where you place your order at the counter and then find a table. I had sort of expected him to wait for me to order and to start eating, but although I was on time he had ordered and picked up his own food. He did not offer to get my order (much less pay for it.) I was perfectly okay with ordering and paying for my own food, but I thought it would have been nice of him to offer.

2. While we were sitting at the table, he accidentally knocked over the fruit salad I had picked as a "side" for my sandwich. It was a small fruit salad and I'd eaten about half of it, but I was still eating from it! Anyway, he apologized, but he didn't offer to replace it. (Is it me or is this a little odd? If I spill your food so you can't eat it, shouldn't I offer to get you some more?)

3. Most of the conversation turned on his hassles with his ex-wife and visitation/custody of their kid. I realize that he is going through some tough times, but I got tired of listening to it. I tried to change the subject, but we kept coming back to it.

4. His match picture is at least four years old. His hair is streaked with gray, his face is much more lined. I don't really care that he looks older, I care that he is not honest about posting a current picture.

So, am I being picky or are these all legitimate things to have trouble with?

Elsa

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:31pm

The first one might be a little picky but combined with the rest, I'd give him a "next".

I'm assuming you met this guy through your "old" ad, so he didn't think you were just wanting to meet as platonic friends? That could explain him not paying for you, if he did think that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:47pm

Yes, this is the guy I met from the "old" ad, who was a lot of fun in e-mail but was very slow to get to the phone-and-meet stage. Finally I said "let's meet or let's drop this." We agreed on lunch today, but I half-expected him not to show up.

He knows about my new ad because I told him about it and also how I felt about not going into this match thing with unrealistic expectations of instant romance.

I didn't really mind his not offering to pay, but I would have liked him to wait to order when I was there, so that we'd be at the same stages in our meals instead of his finishing first. (I was not late. He was early.) I also think there is a difference between not offering to pay and going to great lengths to avoid having to pay--which is how I interpreted his ordering and seating himself before I got there. (It wasn't that he was in a hurry to go somewhere. I was the one who had to get back to work. He works on a flexible schedule.)

It was disappointing, to say the least. He asked if I would be free this weekend, and I told him I wasn't sure about what I was doing on Saturday. I could easily be sure, if I knew that I wanted to go out with him. But I just didn't enjoy myself.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:11pm

Oh, ok...and I just realized that when you said it was your 2nd meet, I thought you meant 2nd meet with THIS guy...I misread that.

Yes, it does sound like he was going to great lengths to avoid paying...that would be a turnoff, although if that were the *only* thing, I might let it slide. But since it wasn't the only thing, as I said, in combination with the other things, I'd "next" this guy.

If you didn't at least enjoy the time you spent with him, what's the point of going out again, even as friends, is my thought!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:39pm
These are all the sorts of things which if a friend of yours had done, I'd tell you to overlook it as it may have just not occurred to the friend to wait for you before getting food, or to offer to pay for the fruit salad you spilled. However, this is only somebody you've met in person a couple of times. If those things turn you off from wanting to meet him again, there's no reason to feel you have to. I'm sure your not the only woman this would have bothered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:32pm
Lose him.
He has no courtesy. I dont understand why he did not wait for you to come to order food!
Even if it is a place where you get your food yuorself, everyone is allowed to wait few minutes until his date shows up!
this is retarded. So many men are so obsessed with the money issue these days.
I m sure most women wont accept that he pays but it is nice to offer.
The only guy that I remained friend with after OLD (FWB for a while) was the guy who insisted on inviting me for dinners everytime we met the first few dates. Of course I invited him back couple times after I started to know him better. But I cant stand being with a cheap guy or someone who knows nothing about etiquette...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:35pm

Yeah, those are all

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:48pm

Thanks for all the replies!

I think the guy may have talked about himself and his problems with his ex because he was nervous. But it still told me more about him than I really wanted to know this early in the relationship.

The out-dated picture bothered me, but not as much as the incident with the fruit salad. I guess I felt that he did not take sufficient responsibility for what he had done. I've been in that situation before with friends (when someone spills or accidentally throws away another person's food) and _always_ the "guilty" party offers to replace the food in some way.

It's disappointing, because we really hit it off in e-mail and on the phone. But what I got was an image of someone who is rather self-absorbed, still fighting a "war" with his ex, and not at all considerate of the other person.

Now, do I tell him why I don't want to go out with him again, or do I let him believe it is because he was too fat? (I know that is what he feared would happen because he told me.)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:54pm

Sheri, You're right that I didn't enjoy the meeting. The question, I suppose, is whether this was an isolated instance (perhaps he was nervous?) or characteristic. If it could be an isolated instance, I could give him a second chance. I do find him attractive, even though he is older than his picture and somewhat chubby. (He has a kind of cute solidness about him.) But he was not any fun. And I don't like stingy, thoughtless people, which is what he came across as.

It's hard to know. Probably I should "next" him, but it's not as if I have that many guys asking me out.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:58pm

It's not "etiquette" so much as common courtesy, in my view. I would have understood his ordering first if he had been in a hurry and/or if I had been late.

I don't need to be paid for, but I think it is a courtesy to offer and fairly safe to do so when the check is going to be low. (That is, if we'd met for dinner at an expensive restaurant I could understand why a guy might not offer to pay since he might fear that I wouldn't have the courtesy to offer to pay half. But when my check is going to be under $10 -- I mean honestly, it's not much of a risk, is it?) I don't like stingy people.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:02pm

No, I don't think you should tell him why...if he asks, just say you don't think the two of you are a match. I would be *totally* turned off by him saying that about being fat, btw. If he's going to think that, let him...and I'm overweight myself so it's not like I'm unsympathetic to those fears but shame on him for putting that guilt trip on you!

Sheri

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