How to Interpret This

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
How to Interpret This
23
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:27pm

Okay, so I have made it to a _second_ meet and greet. And the guy is talking about dating. But I like him a lot less after meeting than before. This is why:

1. We met for lunch at a soup and sandwich place where you place your order at the counter and then find a table. I had sort of expected him to wait for me to order and to start eating, but although I was on time he had ordered and picked up his own food. He did not offer to get my order (much less pay for it.) I was perfectly okay with ordering and paying for my own food, but I thought it would have been nice of him to offer.

2. While we were sitting at the table, he accidentally knocked over the fruit salad I had picked as a "side" for my sandwich. It was a small fruit salad and I'd eaten about half of it, but I was still eating from it! Anyway, he apologized, but he didn't offer to replace it. (Is it me or is this a little odd? If I spill your food so you can't eat it, shouldn't I offer to get you some more?)

3. Most of the conversation turned on his hassles with his ex-wife and visitation/custody of their kid. I realize that he is going through some tough times, but I got tired of listening to it. I tried to change the subject, but we kept coming back to it.

4. His match picture is at least four years old. His hair is streaked with gray, his face is much more lined. I don't really care that he looks older, I care that he is not honest about posting a current picture.

So, am I being picky or are these all legitimate things to have trouble with?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 11:42pm

I don't think he was trying to put a guilt trip on me. I think he was genuinely anxious that his weight would turn me off. But he is not grotesquely obese or anything like that. Nor is there anything else wrong with his appearance. The problem was his manners.

I would hate to have him think he is being rejected because of his appearance. I would like to find some polite way of explaining that I had not felt he was really being polite to me. ;)

I know that if I did something that offended, I'd like to have it explained so I don't do it again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:57am

What if he apologizes and says he won't do it again? Would you go out with him again?

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:39pm

Most people use the reason is "We are not a fit" and leave it at that.

If the other person presses on Why? then my take is it does not really matter on the "why" for I do not need to justify my decision. Chalk it up to intuition or just a "knowing" it is not match.

Any further explanation may get into an argument on him trying to convince you why you should be with him.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:13pm

I don't know. I think it would depend on whether the apology indicated that he really understood. But I was mostly thinking that when you say to someone "I am not interested" it is useful to them to know why you stopped being interested.

This guy is not going to go back to "square one" with me. I was initially very interested, now I am not interested at all. But he could still be a friend, if he could mend his manners a little. It is possible that he screwed up because he was nervous and/or tired. So I suppose that if I told him,

"Look, I have lost interest because I felt that you were inconsiderate in starting to eat before I got there and in not offering to replace my fruit salad when you dumped it on the floor. Also, I thought your going on and on about your ex-wife was tiresome,"

and he replied something like,

"Oh Gosh, I can see why you feel that way! I am sorry about getting the food before you arrived, I was just nervous and it was a way of doing something while I waited because I was so early. But I am sorry. And I didn't realize you hadn't finished eating the fruit salad! I thought you were done with it. I'm sorry! I really should have asked, shouldn't I? As for my ex-wife, you know, you are absolutely right. I thought about it when I left, I really talked about it too much, and I know I shouldn't. I won'd do it again!"

then I could give him a second chance. Go out with him (as a friend) and see if this was an isolated incident (which can be overlooked) or part of a larger pattern. In truth, most relationships involve giving other people a second chance.

But if he replied, "Oh gee, sorry about the fruit salad, but I really thought you had finished. And did I really talk too much about my ex.? I guess I have to work on that, don't I? As for ordering before you arrived, I didn't think it would matter, but now I know it bothers you I won't do it again,"

then I would probably say, "That's right, you won't do it around me, because I have no intention of going out with you again." The end. :)

I mean, attitude is everything, isn't it?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:17pm

Re: An argument about why I should be with him.

I guess it comes out of having teenage children, but I am _very_ good at saying, "I have said my piece and you are not going to persuade me. End of story." ;)

But you definitely have a point that it may not be worth the trouble to try to explain. Sheri's question about whether I would go out with him again if he promised to mend his ways is a good one, because it forces me to consider whether I really see all this stuff as "deal breaking" or whether it is something that I am willing to let go if it is an isolated incident.

I guess what I am trying to decide is whether there really is a pattern of self-centeredness or whether he came across wrong because he was having a bad day.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:24pm

Only going out with him again will tell you that. He can SAY whatever he wants, but the proof is in the behavior.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:13pm

Right. The question is whether to give him a chance to show that it was not characteristic behavior but that he was having a bad day or whatever. Do I want to do that? I have enough experience of people to know that a bad first impression is, 90% of the time, an accurate impression. But then there is that other 10%...

As I said, a lot would depend on how he takes my explanation. If I give him an explanation instead of just not answering his e-mail for a couple of days and then saying that I don't think we should date. He asked me out for this weekend, but I told him I had plans.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:46pm

I don't know...I guess I'd have a different take on it if you'd said you'd enjoyed yourself overall, but there were a couple little things that bothered you. But since you said you didn't enjoy yourself, I'm not sure what the point of going out with him again would be. That seems like a minimum threshhold to me ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 10:49pm

I enjoyed this guy's e-mails, we exchanged a IM's a few times and it was fun, and we had a really great phone conversation --all before the meeting. So all this predisposed me to liking the guy.

Meeting him was a disappointment because of all the things I listed in my original message. So I am tempted to just end the thing right there.

On the other hand, we did have fun on the phone, he wrote some great e-mails. Am I being hasty? Some of the things that bothered me _could_ be the result of his being tired that day or nervous.

I don't know. Probably I'll do nothing for now. Just wait. I turned down a date for this weekend and maybe he will take that as a hint not to ask again.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:45am

A lot of times online and phone chemistry doesn't translate to in-person chemistry. That's why I don't like to waste my time exchanging more than a handful of emails before meeting...it's too common to find that there's nothing there after all.

I doubt it was tiredness or nervousness--you probably just aren't a good match in person (the match that counts ;-)). So if he doesn't call again, I don't think you're missing out on anything.

Sheri