How long after a divorce ......
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How long after a divorce ......
| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 7:24am |
Hello,
I'm new to this site.
I have a question.
How long should a person wait after a divorce to start dating?
I was with my ex for 7 years...was married to him 1yr and 4months within the 7 years.
I don't remember ever really dating him.I think that we started out just hanging out as friends and it was then that I developed a crush.
Anyways...the divorce was finalized this past Dec. It's now Feb.Is there a mourning period that divorce people go through before dating again?Also I'm a very shy person and I wouldn't know the first thing about 'dating'.I do enjoy e-mailing people alot.I'm on 4 'dating' sites BUT I really only want to e-mail BUT since I've been on these sites...I have gotten 3 replies from guys.2 gave me their cell numbers to call them and one wanted to meet me for coffee.I feel that this is all too soon!!
I need advice please.
I'm new to this site.
I have a question.
How long should a person wait after a divorce to start dating?
I was with my ex for 7 years...was married to him 1yr and 4months within the 7 years.
I don't remember ever really dating him.I think that we started out just hanging out as friends and it was then that I developed a crush.
Anyways...the divorce was finalized this past Dec. It's now Feb.Is there a mourning period that divorce people go through before dating again?Also I'm a very shy person and I wouldn't know the first thing about 'dating'.I do enjoy e-mailing people alot.I'm on 4 'dating' sites BUT I really only want to e-mail BUT since I've been on these sites...I have gotten 3 replies from guys.2 gave me their cell numbers to call them and one wanted to meet me for coffee.I feel that this is all too soon!!
I need advice please.

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Only you can really decide what's good for YOU, but I would advise waiting a MINIMUM of 6 months or more before even considering getting out on dating sites or dating again. Probably closer to a year. You need time to figure out YOU and who you are and what you want.
Sorry, but if you are on DATING sites, you have to expect if you are emailing guys they will want to meet you. I am on sites to meet people and I expect that about 90% of everyone else is too. Incessant emailers are actually quite frustrating to me as someone that wants to meet someone and I could imagine frustrating to guys as well. My advice is to take yourself off these websites for a while. The purpose of them is not to find penpals, it's to find a date. If you feel this is all too soon and only want to email with guys, then you're not ready to be out there and you owe it to yourself and to these guys that contact you to NOT be out there.
Good luck. Why not join some groups or take some classes if you are looking for new friends? Or there are other boards out here or other websites that are not dating sites (have you tried myspace?) that you can find email buddies if that's what you're looking for.
I have heard that you should wait at least a year from the time of the seperation. But I think more importantly than following a specific time frame is feeling when you're ready. If it feels like you need more time to adjust to the divorce, you should probably hold off a bit. I think it's important not only to give yourself the time to grieve and to get past your last relationship, but also to give yourself time to get used to and comfortable with being alone so that you aren't tempted to cling to the next guy who comes along just for fear of being alone.
As far not knowing what to about dating, all you really need to know is that it's just two people meeting each other to get to know one another. All you really need to do is to show up, be yourself, and to trust that if that doesn't interest the guy, then he wasn't the right guy for you anyway. It can also make the date less stressful if you keep in mind that everybody is nervous before a date, even people who seem outgoing, and when you're out on the date you can try to focus on thinking of what you can say and do to put the other person at ease instead of worrying about how you are coming off. That can often make things a lot easier. But really the best way to overcome your fear of dating is just to do it. You might want to view all of your dates for a while as just practice runs that you are just doing to get comfortable with the dating process rather than dates you are going on in hopes of it leading to something. If something happens to develop with somebody sooner, then great, but if you remove the expectations, then it will probably make it easier to start to feel comfortable with dating.
You might also want to read the book, "The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You" by Barbara DeAngelis. I found it to be a useful guide just to figuring out dating in general, and it really does help give you more confidence to just be yourself. Plus, I think it is really helpful in terms of helping you figure out what to watch out for when you're dating a guy. Just don't confuse the book I'm telling you about with another book called "The Rules" by different authors. They are completely different.
You are correct.I think that a year would be the best for me.I'm right now trying to get use to figuring out how to live as a bachlorette..(I'm not sure I spelled that right)...Anyways...if anything changes ...this site will be the first to know :)
Good luck!
Stephanie
Stephanie
Gosh, I think its different for every person- like you said, one size does not fit all. People are drastically different in how they disconnect from relationships, and it could very well be that someone who has been separated for a long time, and just newly divorced has disconnected to the point where he is truly available emotionally. I know I've had friends be "ready" to get back out there after a divorce at very different time frames
I think for the person going through the divorce, you need to really do a reality check with yourself about whether and to what extent you are emotionally available, and that takes time to mourn the lost relationship, and time to do a little growing on your own, as your own person......
A friend once told me he knew he was ready to date because he met a woman, and had a strong desire to know everything about her, and for her to learn about him. =0) I guess that was his way of knowing he was ready!
Because the finality of the actual divorce affects people differently from being separated, in my experience. Plus depending on how long the marriage was, a year of separation is a drop in the bucket with regard to recovery time. If the marriage was, say, 4 or 5 years long (or longer), I'd want to see that the guy had taken a couple years off from dating to get over it.
And no, one size does not fit all, but so many freshly divorced people are "walking wounded" that I prefer not to take the risk.
Sheri
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