how long b4 asking for date

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
how long b4 asking for date
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 4:16am
I just wrote up a cyberpersonal last week. Previously I've never tried dating through an online service but figured I'd give it a shot. I haven't dated much in a while actually.

So a woman contacted me through IM a couple days ago. We had a good conversation for about 20-25 minutes. Our profiles matched up. So I asked her out. Right about that time I make some stupid keyboard typos and make a comment like "sorry, I'm a little quick on the draw". To which she gave a strange reply, along the lines that she could make a comment about that but she'll leave it. Her comment was made in a way that I thought she was not talking about my typing ability. For various reasons after that we did not go out.

Like I said I'm new to this, so I don't know if people IM for a while, or call each other up or what before asking for a date. Most of the dates I've been on are with people I knew for a while, not through a dating service.

It got me thinking, was she saying I was too quick to ask her out...or not quick enough (there may have been openings earlier in the conversation)?

Women --- Is there a rule of thumb or preference for how long before asking for a date on this type of service?


Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 10:24am
Hi Chris...I think it just depends on what the woman is looking for. If she's posted an ad to meet men, then I wouldn't think she'd be wanting to just IM or email back and forth. For some though, maybe it makes them feel as though they are getting to know them better through the emails and IM's.

I just helped my sister put an ad up and since her goal is to meet, not email back and forth(she uses my computer for this, so that's why she's not into the IM's and email)she basically let's the men know that this is what she is looking for, not to just be an email buddy.

I see nothing wrong with asking to call the woman and seeing where that goes, then on to meeting eachother. Some women may be wanting more time though...just depends on the woman and what she wants.

BTW...I think her comment had to do with sex?

Good Luck...and welcome to the board,


Avatar for salsal2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 11:36am
it is nature's gift, i think, for men to be more outgoing and women a wee bit hesitatnt.... things do eventually work out, thank god, or we'd all die celibate!!

Rule of thumb? Dunno, i ususally ims 3 or 4 times, by which time i see if our profiles match but more important to me is the way we connect, sense of humour, interests, etc. so i'll have like a phone call or two before i suggest (or agree to) meet for coffee or something.

it is, as deena33 put it, unfortunate the way one can get dismissed for a typo or for "sneezing" wrong on IMS, where there no body language to convey your attractions to the ohter person.

Well, keep trying. Have a phone call or two before you suggest a date.

Good luck,

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 2:21pm
I'm not online to make penpals...I am there to meet people who want a real life relationship. Therefore, I like it when a man suggests that we meet for coffee within 3 or 4 email exchanges. I'd suggest making it lowkey...saying something like, "I've enjoyed talking with you so far. Would you like to meet for coffee and see if we hit it off in person? If you like, we can speak by phone first. My number is XXX, or if you're more comfortable with me calling you, let me know your number."

I personally have gotten out of the habit of speaking by phone generally doesn't help me feel more comfortable one way or the other. But I know a lot of people prefer to talk by phone before meeting.

Also, definitely make the first meeting a short one, for coffee or something similar. That way, if you're not a match in person (and you'll be amazed at how you can "click" over email but not AT ALL in person!), either or both of you can make a graceful exit after 30-45 minutes.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 4:28pm
Thanks for the nice responses! They are helpful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 11:19pm
I have met 40 men in person over the last 2 years. What I "require" is that the man give me a phone number where I can reach him after one or two emails, tops that we talk on the phone for about 15-30 minutes so I can decide if he is stable, polite, mannerly, etc - (and I am very good at screening and do so without asking direct or pointed questions) and then at the end of the conversation if there are not plans made to meet or at least plans to talk later in the week to make plans, I move on to the next. Only two men out of hundreds I have spoken to by phone have refused to give me a number - the second one was this evening - I gave him my number which I typically do not do. to me, emailing and instant messaging are almost irrelevant when it comes to seeing if a person would make an appropriate match for you - that is prior to speaking by phone and meetings. I have received some lovely charming emails from men who were very unstable/rude/depressed on the phone. Doesn't surprise me in the least.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:20pm
Welcome Chris. I do apologize for not getting to the board before now. Been crazy here with weather issues. So, anywho. Looks like you got some great advice from the ladies here. I would have to agree. They know the rules for online dating rather well. So, take the advice and have fun!


Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:15pm
Welcome Chris :) Dating sites are, well, for finding dates :) I think it's good to im or exchange a couple of emails, a pic or two, get on the phone. Get to know the person a little more than what their profiles offer to see if the compatiblity could extend beyond that. The preference on when the time is right to ask her out belongs to your comfort level with her. Oh...and I definately agree with Kelly...that womans comment was about sex lol

Chris, expect to make contact with many women, it's crazy! The opportunities abound with internet dating, just never forget to remain true to what you're looking for!

Good luck and keep us posted!


Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 12:18am
In my opinion, if its possible I'd like to meet cuts down on all the talking online stuff and you can actually get into a "touchy-feely" relationship (not in a sexual way of course) right off the bat. I've talked to a lot of people online, but only ever met one of them. The one that I did meet ended up being more of a serious one than the others were and made for a better relationship for the time that we were together. Hope this helped at least a little bit :)

Welcome to the board, we're happy to have you and its always great to have a guy's perspective on things so stick around!