How Long DO you wait then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
How Long DO you wait then?
22
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:30am

Hi Y'all,

Of course, since I am now known as the Southern distributor of enticing sex queries here, let's go for another one! :)

If you like someone, and you go out for a while, how Long do you wait to have sex with them? True that you might not, like me, be the kind to go right at it and do 'throwdown sex',because you are afraid that the man will think you do that with Every date you have? I want to get to know the man, but what is a reasonable time frame for that?

Can one 'play' below the Levi's waistband,or do you stick to just kissing til then?

what say you?

Truly,
Cupcake




Edited 3/15/2005 1:31 am ET ET by cupcakechic
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:36am
Here is a painful experience - I dated this man that I met at work. We were friends for a year and than something just happened - sparks or whatever - he was all over me, pursuing, flowers, love letters, etc. We had a big time chemistry together. One day we just were all over each other and this very intense relationship lasted for a year and a half. He was an expat and when he lost his contract here - he decided to scoot back to his Switzerland and guess what, he told me that things between him and I started off too fast!!!! He said that he likes to date and court a girl and take his time before they kiss or sleep together!!! That is after a year and a half of dating, talking kids, vacationing together, meeting his family. WHAT A PATHETIC LOOSER but it made me very paranoid about men in general and when it is ok to sleep together. After reading some posts here and Amjay's in particular - I have to agree that if a man sees sex as a tool to measure your morality - he is too juvenile and not worth stressing over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:37am

Hi iV,

I am sorry that happened to you! In that case, he was using an 'excuse' instead of a 'reason'--there is a Big diff! He was a loser, you are right, and he wanted to create a portal to jump through, and did--at your expense! Massive brutal,but it teaches you a lesson you do not forget. (and whomever is in charge of the "lesson' dept., can we Please find an easier way to 'learn'? Yowser!)

I think all of this "thinking" we have to do about doing things: "too early", "what if", etc...I know with my best friend, who married her beau from Match; she says that if the flow is Right, there Are no worries, and no agony sessions..it just Feels the way it Should!

Looking for That pot o gold, for true!!!!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:48am

How horrible for you, ivos!! What a jerk.

Nobody, not even all-knowing moi, would have seen that coming.

Cheers - and onwards and upwards.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:58pm

<>

Oh yes, he was frantically coming up with numerous excuses for his less then dignified behavior. He wanted to be "friends" and I told him that he should be ashamed of himself and to drop the F*** out. He was very offended cause he was oh so proper :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:09pm

Go w/ your gut and your feelings at the time, but remember how you will feel afterwards and to know you have to deal with the consequences afterwards as well, meaning if he was just looking for sex he could be out of there right away.

So if you can go into not worrying or having any expectations afterwards then do what you feel is right.

I usually try to give it time to know that we are both on the same page but i also have thrown that rule to the side if I feel it's right at that given time,. but most of my LTR have been w/ the ones I have waited /them waitng for me. Men need more of an emotional conection to stick around longer. and men will want try and get sex regardless.

also nothing below the waist right away for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:23am
I would have to answer your question by saying, "After I have had a sufficient amount of time getting to know the person, which could be as long as 1 to 2 months, contingent upon how often you get to see and interact with that person"
I personally would never even consider 'doing the deed' until I've had the exclusive talk as well as discussing their past level of sexual activity etc.. Working in healthcare, I see medical reports and read alot of research journals etc. Statistically speaking, the incidence of STDs are quite high and therefore I would never jeopardize my own health and well being for a a quick role in the hay with anyone, I don't care how good looking or polite the man might be. In fact here is a little factoid that may make most people think twice about engaging in casual sex: per the American Social Health Association, one in five American adults have genital herpes. The point I'm trying to drive home here is that, a person is only playing with fire if they engage in sex without knowing much about the other person and obviously it takes many dates ! and time spent together to get to know who a person is, what there past is etc. (Always think safety !)
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:47pm

>>one in five American adults have genital herpes...


which can be spread via areas that condoms do not protect.


I've also read that 50-75% of sexually active adults have at least one strain of HPV... that lovely virus that can cause genital warts and cervical cancer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:41pm
Oh wow, I feel so bad about this, but with my newest relationship, I slept with him on our first date. I have NEVER done that before and it wasn't even him that initiated it! It was me!! We talked online and on the phone for about a week and a half, hours every night before we met in person. Then when we did meet, we hit it off. I'm 27, he's 25. I honestly didn't think I would sleep with him so soon and neither did he. One thing led to another though.... He actually stopped me at one point before it happened and asked me "wait...are you still going to want to see me again after tonight?" he was worried that I just wanted a one night stand. Its been 6 weeks now and it feels like we've been together WAY longer- we're very close. He's a great guy, I feel very lucky to have met him.
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 5:36pm

Well hey, there is NO reason to feel guilty or ashamed of it... we've all done things in the heat of the moment that were maybe not the *logical* choice but we just felt like doing it at the time.

I will say this though. My last long-term bf of 4 years, we had sex on the 2nd date. Thing is, if I had waited, in hindsight there were lots of red flags that should have indicated we were not really that compatible & it was not going to last. It just "felt right" - well yeah, of course great sex with someone who seems to be into you feels good! But through the physical intimacy my emotions got too involved way too soon & by the time I realized it was not going to work, it was really painful to try and let go. Some people can keep sex and "love" separate, I am not one of them.

I am NOT trying to rain on your parade!!! Just a perspective to think about. I'm glad things are going well so far for you & your guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 7:18pm
Wow, Cupcake, you do know how to start a lively discussion! I have absolutely nothing to say on this matter, having only my sordid, long-ago past and my (sordid?) future. I am seeing a guy whom I would love to get in bed with, but we can't at this time....if ever. That's all that keeps me from being a slut, I guess.