How long in Sex is "normal"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
How long in Sex is "normal"?
13
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:44am

Okay, I never thought I would ask this but since its come up- I'm really interested in people's input:

How long does "normal intercourse" last for most of you? I understand quickies- but I was having a discussion with a friend and he said for him it lasted 4-5 minutes. I thought that was SHORT. He told me that I was obviously dealing with some "unusual" guys if it was lasting much longer. For me, most of the people I polled (including myself) I found that intercourse (not foreplace, oral sex, etc.) lasts with partners on average for 15-25 minutes (and there has been the occasional 40 minute session here and there) - but I would be EXTREMELY dissatisfied with 4-5 minutes 95% of the time. My friend is very overweight and in his mid 30's, so maybe his weight restriction, restricts how long he can last because he's in terrible shape physically? I don't know but could I have some answers from both the ladies and the guys?

Anyone?

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:03am

Does it matter what is classified as "normal?" I believe what is important that I have compatibility with my partner not only sexually but in all the other ways as well... but then again I'm 53 and a male.

Whenever I see posts asking what is "normal" I cringe for that is asking for comparison to some standard or what "everyone else" does/views which makes it difficult for the questioner to truly just enjoy (or not) what IS. Comparing just makes one unhappy/dissatisfied IMHO.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:18am
I would think 4-5 minutes would just qualify as a quickie. I don't think that I would be happy with this at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:07am

Okay, since you asked, I will share with you what happened with me and Mark. I was with him for 3 1/2 months and we had sex a lot sooner than I had planned, but I felt we would be together for a very long time, and quite honestly, I had been celebate for nearly 7 years. He was sweet, loving, and it seemed right at the time. During the course of our courtship, I started to question what was "normal" and what was not. The actual sex (start to finish) lasted quite a while; around an hour possibly--no complaints there. But, at 41, I found his sex drive to be a lot less than what I expected. He talked about enjoying sex a lot and even mentioned wanting it 2-3 times a week. The reality was that I was lucky to get it once a week. He was also overweight, but his diabetic condition is what made his sex drive lag a lot. He finally admitted this and even talked about getting some meds for the problem. When I asked him about it after a doctor's appt., he made the statement that he was too young for Viagra. :0 He had a lot of denial issues.

However, whenever we did make love, it was emotional and connecting and all the things most women want. I had decided that "quality" was more important to me than "quantity". But, I also wondered how things would work in the future if we had stayed together. Sex is certainly not the most important aspect in a relationship--at least not for me. But, I did feel like a "normal" guy would want it more than once a week or every 8-10 days. I wanted it more than that, but that was partly because I had been without it for so many years.

Normal is also subjective. What is normal for one person might not be for someone else. I have heard of men not lasting for more than 5-10 minutes. My ex-boyfriend used to refer to them as "minute men". However, health issues play an important role in a lot of sex lives. As we get older, that becomes more apparent. Just think they didn't use to have Viagra and all these drugs that they have now. :0




Edited 7/18/2006 10:10 am ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:14am
I definitely agree that "normal" is subjective and that it should be more about the connection you have with your partner and the degree of overall satisfaction you have rather than just being about the length of time, but in my experience, yes, 4-5 minutes is not a very long time.
heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:43am

Yes Mark it does matter. Did you see the movie "Kinsey"? For starters, for years men have constantly told women if they didn't orgasm during sex they weren't "normal"- and now with the research people discuss sex and find out that they are not "abnormal". Its hard to enjoy sex when you have a partner that thinks 4-5 minutes is great and another that thinks 45 minutes is great. I can't tell you how many men in my early years made me feel badly if I didn't follow the exact same pattern (got wet in five seconds, and came in minutes)- because guess what, the girls before him probably lied and faked and he was uninformed. This is why its good to ask. Not every guy is a good sex partner.

By you cringing, it sounds like perhaps you have a problem with it- which at your age, is actually probably normal. But without conversation, people stay uninformed and people like my friend think 4-5 minutes is "normal" and other women continue to stay dissatisfied because the man in their life says what they like is "normal" and what I want is not. I have the confidence now to break up with men who tell me I am not "normal" because I am not satisfied with just intercourse or- remember, for women, sex often ends when the guy is satisfied, it doesn't necessarily end when the women is.

So, now that women are allowed to share their needs, please don't say that sexual combability is fine because you THINK it is. I can't tell you the countless women I have met who at 30 have never had an orgasm because they have been told by society or a past boyfriend that they should have gotten off because they did. So women continue to pretend- and I don't think I've met a woman who hasn't faked orgasm at least once- me included because of men who refuse to acknowledge their inability to know what their partner really likes (and I am blaming women for not speaking up to) but that's my thoughts- and again, that's why I ask- so that my friend can't continue to tell me that because my experiences with sex are over 5 minutes aren't the "norm".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:45am
Thank you- I thought so too and its sad that a guy in his mid 30's in today's society think that is "normal" and told me that I was expecting too much sexually if intercourse was 20 minutes long!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:52am

I agree, there is no such word as normal when it comes to sex. Most men as they get older (generally speaking) their sex drive isn't as high as in their teens or 20's. I read somewhere that a man in his 20's sexually is a good fit for a woman in her 30's when it comes to sex, they match. However emotionally a man as a rule in his 20's isn't where a woman is in her 30's.

Every guy you date or have sex with will be different. That is why you will hear men say "you mean you want me to be exclusive w/out having sex first??? Take that car out for a test drive, LOL. If a guy is ready for a real relationship he'll have no problems but the thing is which is true is we're all dif't in bed. Maybe you like to roll play or spice things up and your partner isn't that way -- that could be a deal breaker if you place a high prority on THAT. Maybe you meet the perfect guy or perfect for you he's sweet, funny, great job, great friends but he last 3-5 minutes - you'd probably still see him for where you're at in your life and that would not be a deal breaker. Maybe you meet a guy that can go for a half hour but he's lacking other things you're looking for. You can't get it all. I'm at a point in my life where I can tell from kissing and making out how they "might be" under the sack. I'm usually good at it and what I mean is when you're making out you can tell how they talk to you or whisper to you....they tell you things where you just know if you get there you're in for a ride.....

But again, everyone is different. I've had marathon men that could go forever and trust me that isn't fun either as you're thinking just "C" already, ha!!!

SP

 
 
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:47pm

Whoa .. let's calm down.. sounds like this is an emotional hot button for you.

First, you made my point about labeling and comparing by using terms such as "normal" and "abnormal." This does not really serve anyone when these labels are applied hence my cringing (the topic/subject matter is irrelevant but the use of labeling and judging is).

Plus I concur what you said about needing to be compatible .. sexually and other areas in the relationship.

Please do not misunderstand that when I say compatible I mean MUTUAL compatibility which is the definition of compatibility (in my mind).

My take is not so much arguing with your partner on what is normal but to be able to express what you need in order for you to be satisfied. I see that in any relationship the key in having a close and intimate (emotionally, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) is to be able to deal with the differences and each other���s needs. It is a communication and negotiation process with respect and compassion.

Make sense?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:28pm

Mark- the question really is how long are people spending (time wise) on intercourse- nothing else. Not how many times, not how often. I just wanted to get a poll- to what most people consider "normal" for them- and what people consider premature ejaculation.

Interesting enough, somehow I asked my own mother this question- when I brought up my friend. My mother who I already knew is sexually active with my father- but has only been with my father- thought 5 minutes was plenty and "normal". Ugh, I wish I didn't know. It just shows me again that a lot of people don't discuss or research to find out what else goes on out there. I know people who love having sex for 45 minutes- and people who HATE it. It is preference. But it is ignorance when I get a comment from a 34 year old man (a friend of mine) who tries to tell me that 4-5 is "normal" and if I am getting more than that- I am expecting too much.

I thought my friend is misinformed and I wanted to poll people outside my immediate friends.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 6:30pm

I know I read or heard somewhere years ago that 7 minutes is the average length of time that intercourse lasts. Perhaps that was the word you were looking for--average rather than normal. I would definitely not classify 4-5 minutes as premature ejaculation, however, personally. I prefer a lot of foreplay and by the time I get to intercourse with my partner, he's spent a long time in a state of excitement ;-), so I think it's very "normal" to last about that long. And since I've been satisfied by the time we get to that point, that's ok with me ;-).

Sheri

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