How Long should I wait to speak on Phone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
How Long should I wait to speak on Phone
9
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 10:06am
Hi!

I am new to this board. Last week, someone IM'd me out of the blue..WE Im'd for about an hour, traded pics, etc. WE seem to have a lot in common. However he lives 3-4 hours away.

Since then, we have IM'd every day for at least an hour. At one point I inquired if he ever met anyone this way and he stated yes. He then gave me his REAL screen name, stating the other one he just set up to chat.

I am confused..sometimes he will email me and say "I was thinking about you this morning".

Other times I send sweet emails and he just emails normal ones.

My question is, how long does this IM stuff need to go on? Why does he not want to communicate via phone? He is on his home PC when he does IM me. I have already stated I want to hear his voice, but get nothing in return. We are both 38.

Any advice would help. Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 10:58am
Sounds like he's one of those guys who just enjoys IM'ing with women and isn't really interested in meeting and taking it to real life. He may also be involved with someone. Unless you just want a penpal, I'd say something like, "I've enjoyed talking to you, but I'm not really interested in just continuing to IM. If you're interested in talking on the phone and making plans to meet in person, let me know. Otherwise, it's been nice talking to you."

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:49pm
I wouldn't feel comfortable emailing with someone or IM'ing more than a few times (meaning a few messages) before going to a phone call and then making plans to meet. Sounds to me like he is either married, attached or just wants an email pen pal.
Avatar for salsal2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 3:40am
If he doesn't want to give a phone number, he's probably a) afraid his wife or gf will pick up the phone or b) not into meeting in person. Move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:53am
Hi Everyone-

Thanks for the responses. He did state he was divorced for 2 years. DO you think I should ask him stright out to exchange phone #'s?? He does IM me about 10pm...sometimes emails me in the am prior to going to work.

How is this---"Let's exchange phone #s, here is mine"?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:14pm
Welcome to the board, first of all. I will have to agree with Deena and Sal here. He is either married, or he is lying in some way if he doesnt want to talk over the phone. I would get his number, and you call him. I would not give him yours up front. What if he is a freak? You will not know until you take it off line, and then once you have had a few phone calls to him, if you feel comfy, give him your number. Then, set up a meeting, and go from there. I would not give him your number right away, and getting his phone number means you can find out where he lives to see if he is lying. I used to always do that right away. Ask as many questions as you can, then verify the info. Do that reverse number look up thing. Now, my other comment would be this..he says he had a screen name just for chatting and he had met others on line??? Well, he has been doing this a while, so be careful. I would want to know why he approached you, and what happened in his other on line meetings. You need to ask more questions before he calls you on your number. I say, ask for his number by saying, "Hey, can I call you sometime?" Then, see what he says. Just ask, and if he wants your number, tell him you will give it to him after you phone him. I always have certain guidelines I followed on line, when meeting people. I just never compromised them. If someone didnt want me to call them, and they wanted to call me first, I would simply say no. That would end that conversation fast. I always tried to be safe and not give out too much info up front. If I felt the person was worthy enough, they would get my number. Just be careful with this. It sounds alittle fishy to me. I would play it out a little more.

Gail

Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 9:55pm
Welcome to the board Charmed :) You don't mention if he im'd you while you were in a chat room or if you were on a dating site or other like random icq. Relationships can develop in different ways. If you were on a dating site for example, it might be unusual for him not to want to take it to phone after a week of communication, though some people just prefer to take it a little slower. On the other hand, if you guys "met" in a chat room or other, I wouldn't see anything neccessarily wrong with "not" taking it further.

If you believe that this has the potential to be more, then by all means ask about exchanging phone numbers. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's too early to call on red flags, there's nothing in your post that indicates he's hiding anything at this point.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Jayecey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 2:59am
hi, i agree with all of them... if he doesnt like to give u a call or give his number theres a problem there..watch out...maybe he just want an email buddy n not want anything else..

I hope u already read the article i posted here "Red Flags of an Online Relationship", thats the red flag #2..

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 10:44am
Thanks Everyone!

Here is what occurred--->I was in a chat room, and I do not know if he was in there, but he IM'd me. I read his AOL profile and I liked it. He is in DC, I am in PA..so there is a distance. I was using a screen name I chat with as well. I did ask him in the beginning if he had ever met anyone this way(online), and he stated he did. SO we started IM'ng, sent pics, etc. Then one day he IM'd me w/his real screen name, so I gave him mine. He used to work in NY and I dated someone that may have known him. He is aware of this.

The communication has slowed down, so I do not know what do to. Maybe I am making too much of this.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 3:31pm
My moma always told me, "Dont put all your eggs in one basket, honey"

Well, I would suggest the same advice here. Dont wait around if the communication is slowing. If he wants to continue things, he can get in touch. I wouldnt worry over him too terribly much unless he is putting some effort up to pursue things more with you. You dont want to waste time with someone who is not showing you any attention. Anywho. Goodluck with it and I really hope it all works out. Keep us posted, please.

Gail