How long til you know?
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How long til you know?
| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:27am |
We've often discussed on this board how phone, email and IM just isn't enough to REALLY know a person. It's false intimacy. We all know that, right?
BUT - once you do meet that person in real life - how long do you think it generally takes to know the person for who they really are?
Is the combination of meeting in real life once or twice, and a month of calls and emails enough?
I know what I think - but I'd like to hear it from others who have BTDT.


Well, some people are really good at hiding their true selves...in some extreme cases, you could know them for years and never really "know" them.
But I think with most people, dating them regularly (at least 2-3 times a week, including spending weekends together in the later months) in person for a minumum of 4-6 months should get you a long way towards knowing them. I don't think that the best foot forward dating masks even *start* to come off until about the 2-3 month point.
So no, I would not say your scenario would be enough to really know the person.
Sheri
I think it's at least a year. You have to observe how they behave, not just what they tell you, and it takes a long time sometimes for patterns to be obvious.
Then again, I have a friend going through a divorce who has been married 28 years. She is only now realizing some of her ex's true colors. So -- maybe a lifetime.
Here’s my advice.
Yes we have people who turn on you (look at Lacy Peterson, did she know?) but you can’t live your life like that. It boils down to communication, shared values and goals and having a little faith and trust. Every couple will handle things differently & have different comfort levels. For me if I spent quality time for 6 months I could see myself engaged to someone but others would be like “are you crazy”....I feel I have dated enough to know what to look for and even once your engaged still takes a while to plan the wedding.
You hear of people getting married 3 weeks into a relationship, some fail and some last – no secret formula really. Your luck is half chance like everyone else’s. Or you hear of a couple dating for 3 years, engaged for a year and then divorced a year or two later. Do what works for you and when you feel ok, I trust this person, I’ve seen him with friends, family and how he handles conflict and crisis --- individual choice. There is no guarantee’s either way but you have to take a leap of faith at some point but only when you’re ready. Everyone will tell you what they feel is best based on their life experiences.
SP
Regarding Lacy. I watched that case pretty closely. Scott was spending a great deal of time away from his house, most of it wasn't work related. He spent $25,000 on a country club membership hundreds of miles away from Modesto, CA. He was having an affair where his mistress who knew nothing about his wife, enough time away to spend overnights with his girlfriend.
All I can say is that Lacy must have had blinders on not to miss Scott's misdeeds. If she couldn't admit to seeing the obvious I am sure her friends and family strongly suspected.
She is only now realizing some of her ex's true colors.
OMG! BTDT.It only took my ex about 20 years. He should've been an actor...we'd have had more money to fight over....lol
E