How much do you owe a stranger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
How much do you owe a stranger?
12
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 6:35am
I wonder if any of you ran into this problem... I had chatted with someone on lavalife IM then moved it over to yahoo messenger because of the cost factor... in those couple of chats I decided that we really werent compatible... in the meantime, while chatting with someone else, I ignored his IMs...I get these nasty-grams from him about how if I wasnt interested why didnt I just tell him.... he even carried on a bit about how he was one of the few nice guys left and he was very nice to me and I treated him cruelly, etc, etc... finally I IM'd him and said I wasnt interested but good luck in your search... it still took him a day or 2 to settle down and go away after leaving me a nasty message on lavalife IM then blocking me... so now that message is "stuck" there for the next week until it goes away!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 7:04am
This is one reason to block anyone who you give the "see ya" email to. It seems that they always want to get one or two last digs in..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 8:32am
LG is right about this.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 8:47am

At first glance it seems that TW is a bit harsh -- however one experience that I had convinced me that what she's saying is right on. I had one person that I met where I thought I was being a nice guy and "closing up loose ends" by saying "thanks for meeting but not a match" -- well let me tell you I got the "you're pictures aren't accurate" (I think I had 8 photos) and "you're shorter than you say" (I measured sweetie!)....

And this person actually had only one photo (not close to what she looked like) and was much taller than her profile.

I now follow this rule of not sending any "no thanks" messages. The only time I'd vary on this would probably be if I was seeing someone for a while and events changed and I was no longer interested. And even then depending on circumstances you might want to do that in person.

To be fair, I've also had the pendulum swing the other way and sent the messages and the responses were very polite and thankful. Overall it seems most people are in favor of the no rejection message which is what I try to follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 1:52pm

I agree with Lg, not responding is the best way. Since I've started OLD again since my breakup, I've had some that I'd like to send the "thanks but we're not a match" to, but I haven't, just did the ignore thing and I'm sure they'll get the message. I don't think anyone really wants to know why they are getting rejected.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:50pm

Not the most popular opinion here, but...


I believe in karma and all that. I think you should treat people how you want to be treated. I see nothing wrong with saying "thanks, but no thanks." And if they do get nasty, just ignore/delete the email and block them. Maybe I haven't had enough experience with getting nasty-grams, so it's just my 3 cents... :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:12pm

Here's my 2 cents on this one:

Before a first meet, I think it's ok either way. I find most people generally ghost without a trace, but I have gotten a couple of the canned responses on Yahoo "Thanks but I'm taking a break from dating for a while". (I find those worse than ghosting because you can see if they are active on the site and it becomes obvious they are not actually taking a break... but I digress).

*After* a first meet, I differ from a lot of people here. I think you should always send something at that point, even if it's just a short email saying you're not a match.

After several dates (like 4 or more), you owe them at least a phone call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 2:09am

Hi Gal Yoo,

I think the optimum part of the word "stranger" here is "Anger", and this man seems to have some locked up in his overhead storage bin! I think if you have not met, and someone kinda fades away, then that is 'notice' enough, as it is widely known that people will respond to you if they want to--"where there's a will, there's a way", and all that implies.

It seems as though your dilemma is whether you should have been more Detailed about why you did not think you all were a match? Clearly, he seems to be living with a short fuse (no pun intended) and may have sprouted all of that animosity,no matter What your reply was. Annnndddd..if he is SUCH a 'nice guy', then why did he get all bent?

Just askin'...but it seems you are avoiding some more red flag-age by just stopping this right here.

Roll on, Little Rock!
truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 5:35am
Thanks for all your feedback and support... I think this does reiterate the point that OLD is not real until we actually meet... in trying to maintain "social correctness", I agree that I owed this guy nothing... on the other hand, once there is real life relationship, there then may be more of an obligation to end it appropriately... Yes, cupcake I agree, there may have been a red flag buried in there that I sensed... he was wwwwaaayyyy too into boy scouts then I was comfortable with.... :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:08am

HI GY,

Send the kids to bed before you read this Bad, Old joke, but it might apply:

"He was really into Boy Scouts, he was up to a Pack a day"....

I know, go ahead and stick the scissors in my neck, but I could not resist!

After a while on OLD, you become more 'schooled' and can see the diff between a red flag and just a quirk. Quirks cannot get you arrested on a felony charge, for one.

I rest my case, counselor, Always pay attention to your Intuition; it is a wonderful tool God gave we women! (and some men, too! :)

Good luck!
Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 6:54pm

Hahahahaha, good one Cupcake....

I suspect it was more of the quirk variety than felony but hey, one never knows... guess I will never get the opportunity to find out! Oh well....

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