How much e-mail?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
How much e-mail?
5
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 1:13am

Saturday I went on a first meet with a rather shy guy who indicated that he wanted to take things slow even before we met. The meeting went well, and he wrote me a brief note on Sunday saying he had enjoyed my company and exchanging personal e-mail addresses. Already on Saturday he had indicated that he wanted to see me again if I was willing. I had said I was.

I wrote back with my regular e-mail address saying I'd enjoyed his company also and looked forward to hearing from him again. Because I am a chatty person I made a brief comment about a minor domestic incident. He replied later today with a remark about the incident, but not adding anything to the "dialogue." Then he says "have a great week."

My question is, how soon should I reply to this brief e-mail? Should I reply at all?

We haven't been on a real date, just the first meet. He may never ask me out for real, though he said he would. (You know how it is.)

In other words, I'm trying to get a sense of how best to proceed with a guy who is more quiet and cautious than others I have met. I don't want to overwhelm him, but on the other hand I don't want him to feel that I am not interested because I didn't make an effort to write back.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 12:59pm

I don't think that calls for a reply, but if you prefer,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 6:37pm

My instinct would be: Don't email him back.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 7:36pm
Thanks, I kind of thought I shouldn't answer (which is why I didn't), but I could see why someone who was shy might want a little more encouragement. If I did answer it wouldn't be something empty but rather I'd ask him a question about his e-mail name (it's an amusing one) or make some remark about a local event we'd been discussing at lunch which now has a new "twist" according to today's news. But I guess silence is less risky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: dabela
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 7:44pm

Yes, the ball is in his court as far as asking me out, but I never like sitting passively waiting. If I e-mailed him (something light and brief) I'd feel like I was doing something.

But the real question is whether he is more likely to ask me out if I e-mail him than if I don't. With shy guys sometimes making a bit of a gesture of interest helps. On the other hand, it might have a negative effect.

So I will follow your advice and not write to him. It's hard for me because I'm a talker. But I think it is probably more likely that he will value me if I don't write than if I seem too eager.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
In reply to: dabela
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 4:27pm

If I were you - based on how you've described the situation, your reaction, your personality etc. - I'd say you should respond.


Some "rules" exist for a good reason. Others don't really have a major rationale for their existence, but they're sufficiently well known that if you break them, doing so will be understood as sending a message you don't mean to send, or something like that.


So far as I know, there's no "rule" that women can't, or shouldn't, be witty and amusing, or be the more interesting or lively conversationalist or communicator. If there were such a rule, I know of a lot of relationships that should be officially declared all wrong, despite the fact they've apparently worked pretty well for, in some cases, decades.


Making the effort may, as you say, help. In which case, you win (and he wins, and maybe assorted friends, relatives, business associates and other people win in some vague way also, but I can't guarantee that part).


Of course, it may not help: he might just be so introverted he's incapable of holding your interest. In which case you're out the cost of a few e-mail messages or - at worst - the burden of surviving a lame date or possibly two. I suspect you'd agree that if that's not a gamble one's willing to take, one should probably shy away from any form of dating altogether




Edited 11/10/2009 4:29 pm ET by yetanotherguy