How to not be bitter.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
How to not be bitter.........
53
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:01am

I am and I know it. You can tell in my posts I'm sure. I'm sorry for raining on ya'lls parade sometimes and for not having a happy-go-lucky attitude regarding dating. I'm in a rut regarding men. Every time I've believed in a boyfriend and thought it would go the long haul, it didn't. Every time I heard "I love you", I thought he meant it. Alas, I am alone still and pissed off....lol. I meant everything I said and did in all my relationships. Why did they not evolve into more? I know I'm the common denominator so there is that work I need to do. I had a counselor back in Minnesota who helped me fix my picker outer - he was great. And now that it's fixed (?) I'm scared to try it out for fear of getting stomped on again.

How do YOU go on? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a broken heart or spirit from so many crappy relationships. I used to wake up every morning with a "bring it on" attitude. I haven't felt that way in about two years. Do I need drugs? How do you get excited about life again?

Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:10am

You're not going to like this -- so bear with me.

First, you write an awful lot about just jumping headfirst into relationships.

Second, you have many stories of meeting guys in bars, looking for a partier, etc.

Ok - ummm (shuffles feet) - just exactly what type of guy do you think that attracts?....

I may have said this before (you do know that guys have terrible memories) - but imho you're fishing in the wrong pond with the wrong reel. You pull up and fish from shore in a freshwater lake and wonder why your not catching saltwater fish. You figure it just must be an unlucky spot - so you move a few feet downshore. Same luck.

If you're not happy with the results - notice what's not working and change your approach. Don't just keep doing the same thing over and over and over --- expecting different results.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:23am
Lisa,
I had my heart broken just once and it was a little over a year ago. I don’t think I am 100% “cured” and I may never be. I think broken heart is something that never goes away but it does form a scar over time. There is a book that helped me quite a bit. It’s called “The Journey from abandonment to healing” by Susan Anderson. Overall I hate self helping books but this one did help me to sort things out.
I think we all have moments of bitterness, I know I do. For the most part though I like my life, my house, I love my son and I am hopeful that one day I will meet the right guy. I am always hopeful. I try to focus on what make me happy and at peace and I surround myself with that. Be generous to yourself, spoil self on the occasion and I do believe that it will alter you view. Also, give men a chance, don’t expect the worst or the best, proceed cautiously.
Hugs
Irina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:41am

No Lisa, you're not alone. I too get bitter every now and again. I'm going through that right now. I'm just so tired of it all. I've never had what I would call success in dating. I've never been in love. I have no idea what it's like to be adored by someone other than the few people in my immediate family.


It's not just online dating . Lately, I've been trying to break out of my shell and talk to real live men. It's not going too well. Have you ever tried smiling and saying "hello" to a guy and have him look at you like you're from the moon and turn his back on you and walk away? It's not very encouraging.


On some days I wonder what's wrong with men. Why can't they see that they have a perfectly good woman right in front of them? On other days I wonder what's wrong with me.


Since I'm currently going through an "I give up" stage, I'm afraid that I can't give any advice re. how to go on and stay positive and hopeful. Just thought it might help to know that you're not the only one who's feeling discouraged.


 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:49am

I feel the same way from time to time. I just keep plugging away. I figure finding someone is like sales...you have to go through a lot of people to get a yes. I am looking for only one "yes".

Right now I am working on myself. I'm seeing my therapist again and trying to get out there and meet men in the real world. That isn't going so well, either. Oh well!!!

The worst thing you can do is retreat. If you do, it will be that much harder to get started again later on. I'm speaking from experience. The last relationship that I had that lasted more than 6 months was in 1998. I retreated and it took me till 2004 to start trying again. Don't make the same mistake.

Claribeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:52am

Just think in this way: it's a cleaning process. Wrong ones are not meant to be stick to you forever. When I had a broken heart in the past, I read a book, which said, "it's a beginning of the new one." and it was true. Hell, I'm in the 40s and still haven't found even one whose "I love you" really means "I love you."

& stay away from drugs. As long as YOU know you're in emotional pain and what was wrong, you'll be o.k. You'll survive. You've got a bunch of folks here who care about you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:54am

Yep, got all that from my Minnesota counselor. And haven't dated a guy I met in a bar since. Honestly. The "relationships" I've had since then (over two years ago) sprouted out of OLD.

So....does that change your tune any?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:56am

Good morning, Lisa! I have noticed your posts over the last few months and have been eagerly awaiting this one, where you will say that you no longer want to feel this bad. Most of us, if not all, have been there.

How do I go on? Well, for one thing I can no longer do OLD. I've always had a good opinion of men, of what I bring to relationships with them. But this last year has taken the stuffing out of my female esteem. Not because of liars (I grew up with 5 brothers and have a finely tuned bullsh*t meter), but because at 46 I am unwanted. Now, I know in my head this is not true, but my heart has its own ideas. So off I go, back into real life, face-to-face screenings where I'm at my best.

What has helped me tremendously NOT to be bitter and to keep up what's left of my spirits is the reading I have done and continue to do. I know that "Self-help" has negative undertones with people, but really, if your Self can't help you, who will? But in the interests of appeal, I call the books "Self-awareness". When you truly know yourself and what you want in life, people will generally follow along. You will also be able to spot people who will suit you.

Next, family. Nothing keeps me more "real" than my brothers and 1 sister (the Nice Sister, not the Village Idiot Sister). Who knows me best? Who loves me anyway?

Finally, this board seems to be great therapy. When you are feeling bad it's easy to feel alone and isolated. And it's good for some laughs, too, which is also good therapy!!

If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:56am

Awww, thanks. That did help - a broken heart means you get to start with a new one. Never thought of that. I also am thinking about something ponymom always says "like attracts like" and I'm not gonna attract anyone right now being down in the dumps, ya know?

I was thinking Xanax....lol.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:03am

Ivos!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:16am

Hoov and Lisa,

I hear ya. At 49, I know what it's like to be looked through like you don't even exist, and it's not a good feeling. I don't even go out anymore......if I want to be treated like a potted plant, I can stay home and do that and it's much less excruciating.

You are not alone in feeling this way. In fact, all of my subscriptions expire in a few days and I am not renewing. I'm DONE. As I found out, my window of opportunity slammed shut at least 5 years ago.

By the way, Lisa (hope you are reading this), there is nothing wrong with some pharmaceuticals to help you out when you need them. There are some very good new anti-depressants out there that have helped people immensely. The only problem with some of them is that they can pack on the pounds.

Chin up, everyone!

ABM

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