How to not be bitter.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
How to not be bitter.........
53
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:01am

I am and I know it. You can tell in my posts I'm sure. I'm sorry for raining on ya'lls parade sometimes and for not having a happy-go-lucky attitude regarding dating. I'm in a rut regarding men. Every time I've believed in a boyfriend and thought it would go the long haul, it didn't. Every time I heard "I love you", I thought he meant it. Alas, I am alone still and pissed off....lol. I meant everything I said and did in all my relationships. Why did they not evolve into more? I know I'm the common denominator so there is that work I need to do. I had a counselor back in Minnesota who helped me fix my picker outer - he was great. And now that it's fixed (?) I'm scared to try it out for fear of getting stomped on again.

How do YOU go on? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a broken heart or spirit from so many crappy relationships. I used to wake up every morning with a "bring it on" attitude. I haven't felt that way in about two years. Do I need drugs? How do you get excited about life again?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:19am

Thank you Amjay!! There are no movies or fairytales that cover this situation. Prince Charming hasn't shown up so now what? I wish Sandra Bullock would do one.

What books have helped you most? I just finished "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and that helped a little. I'm reading "The Book of Ruth" now. I know these aren't technically self-"awareness" books but I do enjoy reading others in similar situations - where life didn't go how they wanted it to. "Nights in Rodanthe" is another great one.

Another thing that helps me are the celebrities who are still single (older and no children) yet hetero. I know it sounds crazy but if Sheryl Crow, Sandra Bullock, Jo Dee Messina, Oprah, Halle Berry, Kristin Davis, Kim Cattrall, etc. are still single, then I can be too and not be weird.

Oh and knowing people in crappy marriages helps too. Isn't that sad? That I feel better about myself because of someone else's misery? And get this - one of my favorite people on earth is engaged! My friend Julie just got engaged to the biggest loser of a guy. Last summer she got pregnant with his child, he dumped her, went partyin', and then realized the error of his ways a month after she had a miscarriage. She let him back in and now 6 months later - they're engaged. She's 35 and he's 40 or so. Her history is so much like mine - revolving door boyfriends in your 20's and hardly anyone in your 30's - so she's scared to be alone the rest of her life. I would still rather be me than her.

I guess it ain't all bad but I do wanna shake the "yeah yer full of sh*t" tape that goes off in my head whenever I talk to a guy.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:23am

YIKES!!! You just solved that problem for me - no meds! I think the best anti-depressant is what I'm doing - gettin' my butt up in the morning and hittin' the gym. I cannot handle one more pound on this already totally stressed frame.

You have at least 30 more years left, ABM. I don't want you to be a potted plant that whole time. What can we do?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:35am

Irina (pretty name by the way):

Thanks for your help! My heart's been broken three times. Breien, Martin and Mike. Maybe analysis will help here - Breien was in the Navy and got shipped to Haiti. I waited for him for a year, we re-hooked up and I believe he had moved on. He could have saved me the $1000 for the plane ticket if he had just been honest. Martin was my best friend for almost three years and I consider him the love of my life so far. He never wanted to get married and told me so three months into it. I thought he would love me so much that he couldn't help but marry me. HA! Lisa stupid - should have listened real hard on that one. But it was the best three years and he's the reason I know there are good, honest men out there. And he is a biker. Mike - met on OLD and don't have one good word to say about him and I'm embarrassed about that whole situation because we did everything you're not supposed to do - ever. That was two years ago and I'm still dealing with his crap. Can't decide whether to sue or not so I probably won't. I go back and forth. BUT that relationship is why I'm crabby all the time....lol.

Enough of this verbal vomit. Sorry. Good to know others have been there.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:37am

Yep, I am here :) I use match as well. BTW - I love your picture!
Too bad we don't live in the same city - we could of hit the singles spots together :)
I am thinking of Swiss cheese every time I get disappointed and that happens a lot. I have not felt "chemistry" with any of my on-line dates even though at first it seemed like I would. As those relationships progressed I started missing the "cheese" more and more and would end up quitting on on-line guys. Still hopeful though.
I think that people on this board are great. They are smart and funny and I enjoy reading posts here.

Irina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:40am

Do you ever wonder if it's the times we're going through? So many divorces, so much internet, and a lot more single people our age than ever.

You are a perfectly good woman JH. Now to find a perfectly good man to compliment you. If it were so easy, we wouldn't be here. I'm commisserating (sp?) with you. Not much help, sorry.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:43am

The one book that completely changed my perspective on relationships is not found in "Self-Awareness" aisles but "Sales". Go figure!!

The Psychology of Achievement by Brian Tracy

This was required reading when I was in network marketing (along with a great deal of others - Zig Zigler, Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins). But Tracy's writing really spoke to me. I still get his quote of the day in my email box. I lent out my copy and never got it back, so I can't give it to you. I do have him on tape which I listen to regularly. Especially now when I'm feeling particularly low.

On advice from a friend, I recently bought "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. "You know exactly what you want in life, but what you want is nowhere in sight". Frankly, it didn't speak to me (my vision is fine) but my friend loved it and maybe it could help you, too? If you email me your snail mail address I will post off my copy to you, gratis. And if you email me, confirm you did so on this board so I will know it came from you (does that make sense?). If you don't like the book, donate it to the library.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:49am

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I have news for you, Lisa. Each and every marriage on earth is somewhat crappy. This makes sense when you really think about it. Two unique human beings living together, they must clash at some point, right?

I worship my brother-in-law, truly, but I can see ways in which he would be difficult to live with on a daily basis. I guess it would be hard to live with ANYONE on a daily basis!

I have an edge, though. I currently live with a teenage girl. Fighting with someone over a tv remote control is gonna be a walk in the park!! ha ha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:55am

Would you say retreating would be staying at home all weekend, surfing the net, catching up on Oprah, catching all the new On Demand movies, IMing friends, cleaning house, and basically not leaving the house too much?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:58am

I will email ya shortly.

What was it about that book that spoke to you regarding relationships? I'm totally interested.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:10pm

Been so long since I've read the book I had to glance at the tape content list, but I remember now:

The hardest part to digest: "Accepting Responsibility and Taking Charge". Yikes! I had to read that part at least 50 times to get it. It's about getting rid of anger, blaming, guilt and worry. All of which I spent a lifetime enjoying!

And the second hardest: getting what you want, not what you fear.

The funnest parts: goals and goal achieving, creative problem solving and decision making.

What I used to repair current relationships: "the 6 potential difficulties in personal relationships".

Lots more, but you get the gist.

amjay