How to not be bitter.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
How to not be bitter.........
53
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:01am

I am and I know it. You can tell in my posts I'm sure. I'm sorry for raining on ya'lls parade sometimes and for not having a happy-go-lucky attitude regarding dating. I'm in a rut regarding men. Every time I've believed in a boyfriend and thought it would go the long haul, it didn't. Every time I heard "I love you", I thought he meant it. Alas, I am alone still and pissed off....lol. I meant everything I said and did in all my relationships. Why did they not evolve into more? I know I'm the common denominator so there is that work I need to do. I had a counselor back in Minnesota who helped me fix my picker outer - he was great. And now that it's fixed (?) I'm scared to try it out for fear of getting stomped on again.

How do YOU go on? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a broken heart or spirit from so many crappy relationships. I used to wake up every morning with a "bring it on" attitude. I haven't felt that way in about two years. Do I need drugs? How do you get excited about life again?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 4:35pm
Awww, now I know who you are!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 4:46pm
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No, not yet. I met this guy on Wednesday and he was cute and smart, not a "losa", a bit reserved. We will go out again on Wednesday. Too early to tell.
I have dated a few men from on-line but have not felt the butterflies yet. Well, there was this one guy - transplant form Cali and he was very much my type (looks, views and conversation-wise) but I don't think he was into me plus I think he can use Viagra if you know what I mean.
:) :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:10pm
I know what we all need -- a Peanut fix!!! Where is she when we need her??!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:17pm
I’m going to write you a nice long response either later today or tonight. Stay tuned :-)
Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 4:39pm

We’ve all been in your shoes at one time or another. Some of us just bounce out of it quicker.

I went to the movies this weekend and saw “Hotel Rwanda”....excellent film. Whenever I’m down I think of those less fortunate than myself and I realize just how lucky I am in spite of things not going the way I had originally thought at my age (most of us are probably in a much different situation then what we envisioned when we were younger).

There are people right now trying to just survive and look at us, we’re very blessed to live in this country.

With Carlsbad guy, I did handle it well but I also let it all out with two of my friends.....I went thru the “why does this happen to me” “When is my turn”. “Why aren’t my relationships working out” “Why are these guys telling me one thing and then doing another” “How do I trust”......will I be alone forever! Yes, I went through all of that and as soon as I got it off my chest I was able to go back in with clarity. You’re right, we can’t just blame the guys, and we’re at fault too. I rethought my situation and tried something new, I thought I’m going to have fun and have low expectations no matter how hard the next guy pushes. Luckily, M was a patient guy and as hard as it was with our great chemistry, I paced myself and went slow. Heck, it’s still new, anything could happen but instead of focusing on the negatives I’m focused on the positives. Yes it may not work out but why not say when it works out? Much better ring to it. I made the mistake of saying when M asked me to his birthday concert he was going to in March (this was back in December) I said, sure I’ll go if we’re still together. He said why not say, when we’re still together? I thought, you’re right, and here we are, this will be coming up in a week or two and who would have thought? I still get scared; when we butte heads once in a blue moon my mind races and then I think, nope don’t even go there, that is FEAR talking. As great as we get along of course things won’t always be smooth, you take any two humans and put them together 5 days a week, you’re not always going to agree or see eye to eye, just the way it is! Sure enough it’s in my head and that is from bad experiences. I think we tend to always assume the worst. That is why I posted that post the other day about positive influences. We always here almost daily about relationships not working or busting up whether our friends, message boards or Hollywood. You have to really want it and when you do find it – it will be work, 24.7 so be prepared.

I don’t have an exact solution for you but when you wake up each morning ask yourself, is today going to be a good day? I’d say YES as opposed to NO. Positive thinking creates positive results. If you believe good things will happen for you they will and if you don’t then they might not.

Chin up!!!

SP

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:27pm

fabulous post SP! I love that you've had a good ending ;) - so to speak. You were single for awhile, but have found a great guy.

I think bitterness is truly "normal" for everyone who is single. Dating is not fun. There is not one person I know in a relationship that has said "you are so lucky you are single". They have always told me "i know how tough dating is."

Staying bitter is another issues in itself. And I found being single the last 3.5 years were truly a wonderful growing period for me. I am a better person because of it. I was a cynical person even when in relationships way back - now I"m just happy being me and with my life. When I do find that great relationship it'll be great because I had the time to really learn to love me. All the other relationships I've had, I really didn't love who I was. It greatly affected my relationships. And I see that now, but back then, no way.

Anyways, glad you are doing so well with your guy. I'm glad you are able to share positive thoughts and experiences. Its definetly a great inspiration for all to read on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:32pm

Lisa,

Maybe you need drugs, maybe not. What you definitely need is a new perspective on life. If you have had so many failed relationships, look at your exes - and yourself. Are you picking similar men? If so, then it's time to figure out what you want and go out and get it. Don't lower your standards or change your values for anyone - ever.

Good luck,

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:53pm


HOw do you not be bitter? Well it's tough especially if you have been hurt in the past. And those scars don't heal they just remain there. I have been in 3 failed r'ships in the past 1 1/2 year. Prior to that I was in a ltr for 4 years,and thought he was the love of my life. I look at the past year and a half as most significant becasue the time I am investing has gotten shorter. I don't invest 5-6 months.So I guess i am learning you can say? But instead I invest w/3 guys rather than one? Now I have to start choosing different guys the right ones..! LOL So each experieince I am learning,but does it wear on you yes... it's get tiring you just want to find that "one" .

I think it is good just to live every day like it's your last. Enjoy every moment, fill your time up and keep busy. Take care of yourself , pamper yourself, work on yourself as in, things that you want to improve to make your feel better about you. You owe it to yourself!! Most importantly you are number ONE!!

It is so hard after many r'ships for me to remain positive also, but i think about the r'ships and the times i Had fun and what I learned from each r'ship , each person that made me more of who I am today. Look at your past experiences as positive experiences, and learning more about yourself. When I ended my marriage 10 years ago, I was an ugly person, I mean bitter.. angry. I walked out of that marriage never thinking I would get help/Well the end of that marriage was the beginning of ME.. I found myself.. I realize through each r'ship I continue tolearn.. Yes I want it to end. I want to find that one everlasting r'ship, to fall in love again and be happy. But also it does take work and that means working on yourself to . Just keep busy, do things that make you happy and are important to you. When you are most confident , you will attract people like magnets.

Just be true to yourself and always believe in you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:23am
Eeeeek!
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Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:34am

Hi,

Have to put my 2 cents in with LG's, for advice you can take to the bank!

I think Dr Phil is easy to understand, as a psychologist, he skips the psyco-babble. He says:"If what you are doing is Not working, then Do something else"..this directly paraphrases what LG put so clearly and empathetically, as well.

Please try,too, to put this on your priority list where it belongs; and that is Much further towards the bottom! I do Not mean that finding a meaningful relationship is Not important. But, until you do, find other ways to realize what a good life you Do have. Stop trying to find someone to "make" you happy. IF you find a man who 'enhances' your life, and you do the same for his....Then you advance to the bonus round!

Don't put the cart before the chickens hatch..ie, you are equating a physical moment with "caring"...but if it happens to Soon (and it does not "just happen"--you Can control that), then there is no way there can be any emotion attached to it, as you all do not Know each other well enough To begin to attach at that level.

All the best to you! Evaluate your why/what/where 's and think about You, on your own, and learning and growing and enjoying, for a while.

Truly,
Cupcake