How to say it nicely?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
How to say it nicely?
10
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:54pm

That you are not interested in being a pen pal? There is a guy from eHarmony that I have been communicating with for far too long for my taste. He had not asked for my phone number or even email address. I finally said that if he'd like to take it to the phone or email, here it was. He responded back that he preferred email. Well I DON'T! I don't want a freakin' pen pal and also while I don't mind email as communication, I do not want to do it incessantly nor do I want this to carry on much longer without meeting him. In fact tho, I am already getting tired of the email back and forth and don't even know if I want that to continue.

Any suggestions for saying nicely that it should move to the phone and/or an in person meet as soon as possible?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:42pm

I think you've already indicated your preference to move it to the phone and he didn't bite...I would just close him. But if you want to give him one last chance, in the next email exchange, I'd say something like, "I really prefer to get to know someone in person rather than by email. Here's my number; why don't you give me a call Thursday evening or Sat morning and let's see if it makes sense to meet for coffee?" Most likely he'll ghost but maybe he'll actually move it forward.

In the future, though, you might skip offering your regular email as an option and just give him your phone number.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:56pm
Good advice. I was hoping you'd respond b/c I remember you'd said something along these lines in other posts. I think he's new to the whole OLD thing so I have tried to be patient but yeah, I am getting tired of it. He gave me his numbers but he has kids that live with him so it definitely makes more sense for him to call me. Also, he currently lives fairly far away and while he has a deal on the house in a nearby suburb is still waiting on the sellers. I'm just starting to think it's not worth it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 9:31am

I would say, "I understand and I've really enjoyed corresponding with you, but I'm looking to meet people not just email.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:02am

Excellent! Short and to the point. Thank you - that's perfect.

OK, I did it. I copied almost word for word but edited it just a bit and said:

I understand and respect your choice and I've enjoyed corresponding with you, but I'm looking to meet people not just email. In my experience, emailing too long can set up false expectations of who and what someone is. If you are interested in meeting you can feel free to give me a call or if not, I wish you luck in your search.




Edited 1/5/2006 10:44 am ET by vexer_hw

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 1:45pm
that is really good! i agree that prolonged emailing presents problems. it does kind of make a person out to be someone different. because you always talk different than u type. u cant edit and reread what youve said for errors or something that would be unappealing. maybe hes just affraid to reveal his real self. and thats not something i look for in a guy so im sure its not very attractive to u either. well, good luck with everything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:06pm

Well, now I feel like a big dork. eHarmony was having network problems and told me that the message didn't send but it did. 3 times. AAAACK. So now I rejected him 3 times and I feel like a jerk. I sent a quick apology email but I am sure now he thinks I am an idiot.

Oh well. As time had gone on, I was becoming less interested in him. The temporary distance is a big deal and I was wary because he has two sons that live with him. He'd sent an email before Christmas of how he'd really like to move but he couldn't b/c of the kids' mom and that as long as she wanted to be in their lives he was "chained" here. And then went on to say how that when they got back from her house they were always wound up and stuff. He apologized for venting but he sounded a little bitter. So I am hoping he DOES ghost!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:12pm
You have no confirmation that he is divorced or even separated. He may still be knee deep in a marriage, hence the preference for prolonged email.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:14pm
Actually you just gave me a great idea about a money making dating site. We could have serial emailers search for other serial emailers. Those that enjoy email and fantasy relationships that will never materialize can go to this site, we can call it emailmatch.com....find the fantasy that is right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:28pm

LOL - great idea! And get all those crazy serial emailers all on one site to leave all of us who don't want to be alone!

I do think he is divorced, but I think it is pretty recent. He did tell me he was divorced and the mother apparently lives near him and gets the kids every other weekend. He said that was really his only time to "date" since the kids kept him busy. So there were enough signs that he is divorced but also enough signs that he's not really over it yet too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 6:02pm

I'd just tell him that you would prefer to end the "relationship" if it's not going to move beyond email.

Of course, I hate the talking on the phone thing. I'd rather email him a few times and meet.