How soon is too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
How soon is too soon?
10
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 12:09pm
If you met someone, whether on line or not, how soon is too soon for these types of things listed below.

1. Having dinner at either person's home?

2. Meeting the parent or parents?

3. Meeting friends or co-workers?

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse?

5. Going a mini-vacation together?

6. Moving in together?

7. Sharing bank accounts?

8. Loaning money to the other person?

9. Buying someone a gift?

10. Getting married?


******

I just want your personal time line of things, not to say it has to be right or wrong here. Just give me an idea of how long you think you should wait for these things. To each their own, and keep that in mind. Personally, my ex and I met on a Thursday in college, went out that night, he was at my home, no sexual favors exchanged, but that following weekend, we went away on a mini-vacation together,sexual favors were exhanged, he moved in within the next month, we got pregnant within the next two, and were married within 5 months of my pregnancy. Now, keep in mind we are divorced now. lol SO, that was my timeline with him. I think all was way to soon, but I was also 19, and he was only 23.

Now, with the exception of marriage and moving in, here is my idea of how long each one should take.

1.Having dinner at someone's home? **Could be one of two dates after the first meeting or date.

2.Meet the parents? ***for me, it would be atleast a month or more.

3.Meeting friends or co-workers? ***Now, this could be 2nd date, or well into three months of dating, depending on when I could get everyone together. I would do it as soon as possible if the man was ok with it.

4.Meet children or ex-spouse? ***If the trust is there, then whenever it is possible. The ex, I would like to wait a while, but that didnt happen with Eric. My ex met him Sunday when he came to pick his boys up, and it went well. Not the best, but it was fine. So, I would have wanted to wait, but my Ex got froggy and walked up onto my patio when he was supposed to wait in the car. (later for details)

5.Mini-vacation? ***I would say after meeting the kids, if any, and a few dates, maybe a month or so if time allows it, go somewhere together for the weekened.

6.Moving in together?***Months, perferrably a year. (if I could hold out) lol

7.Sharing bank accounts?***Never.

8. Money loans?***Well, never again. I dont have money to give people. lol I might do it after months of dating if it was really needed, but I would not expect things to go much farther, since I do not think a man should accept money from a woman under any circumstances.

9.Buying someone a gift?***This could happen on the first date I suppose. Eric gave me a rose. I bought him a shirt.( I know it was too soon) I saw it, it was on sale, I bought it, he loved it. I wanted to wait atleast a month before buying such a gift, but it was so perfect when I gave it to him and he loved it. SO, I broke my own rule. lol

10.marriage? At least a year. IF not more. WHEW! I cant do it anytime soon, I know that. It freaks me out. lol



Gail;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 12:42pm
Hiya,

Well I think you all know my answer to most of these ... I don't follow any specific timeline rules, I go with what feels right. I am one who always relies on her intuition and I will continue to do so until it fails me.

1. Having dinner at either person's home? When it feels right

2. Meeting the parent or parents? When it feels right

3. Meeting friends or co-workers? When it feels right

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse? When it feels right

5. Going a mini-vacation together? When it feels right

6. Moving in together? When it feels right

7. Sharing bank accounts? After your married and only one shared account for household expenses. I think both spouses should also always each have their own seperate accounts for personal bills/expenses.

8. Loaning money to the other person? When it feels right

9. Buying someone a gift? When it feels right

10. Getting married? When it feels right

Gabi

Avatar for moonjulep
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 12:52pm
Great Idea Gail!

Ok Girlies....these are my opinions....for my timeline....here goes:



1. Having dinner at either person's home? <>from the 2nd date on

2. Meeting the parent or parents? <>Id say once you know where you stand with the relationship, which is different for everyone...maybe a month or two or more

3. Meeting friends or co-workers? <>Id say anytime after the first meeting

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse? <>Also depends on where things are going, children are tricky, depending on their age, ex's should be avoided :) I met Kel's ex on his birthday a few weeks ago, she was at a party and we went(with my best friend) but i didnt even know she was his ex until the next day, she was super nice :)

5. Going a mini-vacation together? <>umm as soon as you are comfortable together...kel and i are going away at the end of the month :) for my bday!

6. Moving in together? <>after 6 months or so

7. Sharing bank accounts? <>NEVER NEVER NEVER

8. Loaning money to the other person? <>NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!! I did this with my ex ($4500 biiiiiig mistake!!!) ill never see that money EVER again

9. Buying someone a gift? <>That can be right away

10. Getting married? <>Whenever you feel is right, for me, i would have to live with someone for a while before i could marry them! :)

Ky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 1:28pm
I don't think that there are set times for any of these. It depends on the situation and how it feels for the parties involved. But I'll share some of my personal experiences.

1. Having dinner at either person's home?

I've done this on the second date. Sometimes it took a few weeks to actually have a home cooked meal at someone's home.

2. Meeting the parent or parents?

In one situation I knew the parents for years before I started dating their son. I knew other family members as well. In my current situation, we've been dating 2 months and haven't met parents yet.

3. Meeting friends or co-workers?

Again, sometimes I knew the friends and coworkers before I started dating the man in question. In one situation, I met the friends after two weeks of dating. In my current situation we haven't met each other's friends or coworkers yet.

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse?

I never got to that point with anyone. Most of the men I've dated were never married and did not have children.

5. Going a mini-vacation together?

Only went on vacation with one guy. We went away for a weekend about three weeks after we met.

6. Moving in together?

I did this only once. Within one week I was sleeping at his place every night. Eventually I got moved in without us ever talking about it. It just kind of happened. We stayed together for a year but I wouldn't recommend moving this fast.

7. Sharing bank accounts?

Only after marriage. But I would also keep separate bank accounts.

8. Loaning money to the other person?

I'm not a big fan of loaning money. I'd rather give money without the expectation of getting it back. We would have to be pretty serious though before I'd feel comfortable giving a substantial amount of money to someone.

9. Buying someone a gift?

I once bought a birthday gift for someone I had been dating a week. He broke up with me the next day. Since then I've been hesitant about giving gifts. In my current situation, I just bought him a gift for the first time (dating 2 months) and he was very appreciative.

10. Getting married?

When it feels right. I dated someone for a year and wasn't sure if I wanted to marry him. My friend married a guy two weeks after meeting him. They're still together after 12 yrs.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 4:46pm
Okay, I can agree to Gabi in most points. I don't think there is a certain time period for me before I do something, it might feel right at different points of time with different people.

1. Having dinner at either person's home? When there is chemistry and we have been out for about 2 or 3 times.

2. Meeting the parent or parents? When it feels comfortable for both and for the parents as well! For example Rob met my parents 2 days after he met me in person for the first time. They have been with me on vacation and we would not wanted to miss that chance because with the distance we were not sure if they would be at the same place again so soon.

3. Meeting friends or co-workers? Not at the first date but after that, anytime

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse? When there is at least potential for a serious relationship not before. I don't like children to be hurt so they should stay out of the picture if a couple is just playing or having fun. Once you have met the children it should be time for the ex as well so that he/she will know who his/her children are with from time to time.

5. Going a mini-vacation together? Anytime after a few dates and after having had sex at home. That way you can be sure (well, nearly) that he will not turn out as a sexual weirdo when you are far from home.

6. Moving in together? When we had time to get to know each other a bit and when it feels right!

7. Sharing bank accounts? Not before marriage but I would prefer seperate accounts also after marriage but with the right of disposal for the other partner. Better avoid potential trouble than work it out later.

8. Loaning money to the other person? Never ever would I loan money to anybody. Does not mean that I won't help out close friends when they would be really in need of it but would not expect them to pay back then, so it is not loan. Sharing money after getting married is a different cup of tea.

9. Buying someone a gift? Anytime. Should just not be too expensive gifts in the beginning. A friend of mine is always buying very expensive things for her boyfriends and after breaking up with them she complains about the wasted money. I don't like that because gifts should come from the heart and you should never feel like you want them back.

10. Getting married? When it feels right! Would never do that just out of a romantical mood but don't think you have to be together for a certain time before it should happen. There are couples out there who married after 2 weeks and are still together and there are others who waited 2 years and are divorced, so...

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 6:35pm
I am so happy to see these questions, as I have been struggling w/ one.

1. Having dinner at either person's home? This is the one I am struggling w/. Met a great guy, major chemistry, only one date so far but it was fabulous. He is currently out of town on vacation, but told me before he left he wanted me to come over for dinner, as he loves to cook. Not sure if date # 2 is appropriate...in the past, I have done this on date 4-5.

2. Meeting the parent or parents? This is difficult. I don't think that this should be until you are serious, at least in my case as my family is 1000 miles away.

3. Meeting friends or co-workers? I think this would be that you have established that you are a couple. Puts a lot of un-needed pressure on relationship if you haven't decided your status. Also, I have heard that you should not introduce him to your friends until he has introduced you to his.

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse? I have no kids nor have been married. My Ex BFs? I see no need. As for him, I don't want to be involved w/ kids until he wants me to be and we are definitely exclusive. Unless kids are involved, I see no need to meet his ex spouse.

5. Going a mini-vacation together? Several months.

6. Moving in together? NEVER!

7. Sharing bank accounts? NEVER!

8. Loaning money to the other person? This is always difficult. I dont think that I could do this.

9. Buying someone a gift? I always seem to meet people around their birthday it seems! I think that you can always get a gift, just the dollar amount is the question.

10. Getting married? No sooner than 6 months, no later than 1.5 years. I am too old for a long courtship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:06am
Thanks to all who answered and who will continue to answer. These are great time frames, since they all suit each of you. I think it is just how you feel and how you view the relationship. There is not set rule to any dating style, it is really up to each person. Trial and error is all dating really is these days. It is funny how most of you said, NEVER to sharing banks accounts and loans. lol That is an interesting topic on how, as women we view money and how we used to back years ago. When you have been burned once, you will never do it again and I have been. So, I can relate totally.


Good job so far ladies. Keep em coming!!! It is so interesting!! IM learning!


Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 12:57am
Having dinner at a person's home: I have no idea...probably the third date? For me anyway.

Meeting Parents or co workers: Well parents at least a month, co-workers or friends I'd say at least three weeks to a month.

Meeting Children or ex spouse: Have neither so I wouldn't know.

Going on a mini vacation: Again...no idea...(I am SO clueless lol)

Moving in together: I think whatever makes you feel comfortable and it depends on the situation. I mean if I dated a single guy with no kids it would be any time is game...ok not any time but but between three and six months at the least. If he had kids and they lived with him I'd wait to make sure everyone was happy with it.

Sharing Bank accounts: We're talking if we're not married right? Then never.

Loaning Money to the other person: Never

Buying some one a gift: Ummm...well it would depend on what the gift was. A flower on the first date is nice. Buying him something...if I saw something I think he'd like that didn't cost a small fortune I'd buy it:).

Getting married: Well, I don't know. I come from a very long line of women who got married fast. Probably a year would be good for me...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 7:49pm
Heheh ok, here goes, but I know I am different than a lot of you, but this is what worked for me!


1. Having dinner at either person's home? ****It would be at his home, and if he wants to cook, I'm thinking a minimum of a month. I never had guys I was just dating over at my place- they'd have to be exclusive boyfriends of 3 months or so.


2. Meeting the parent or parents? ****Probably three months (again, only if we were exclusive). I'd have to meet his parents first.


3. Meeting friends or co-workers? *********Ditto. Three month range.


4. Meeting children or ex-spouse?****** Hm, my fiance has never met my ex-husband, and I don't think he ever will. I don't have kids, and didn't date men with kids.



5. Going a mini-vacation together? **** Again, exclusivity, and after about 6 months, and only for a weekend, no more.


6. Moving in together? **** I only moved in with my fiance after I had a ring, a wedding date, and he put a hefty deposit down on the ceremony/reception site. Oh, and after he begged repeatedly! :)

7. Sharing bank accounts? ****We have a joint account now for the wedding expenses, but I don't think I'd do it before we were engaged, and most of my money is not in that account.


8. Loaning money to the other person? *******Well, seeing as I supported my ex-husband through school for FIVE YEARS, someone who was extremely financially stable was a prerequisite. I'm going to say never.

9. Buying someone a gift? **** Some guy I'm just dating, and it's not exclusive? Nope. I think I bought DF a Christmas and birthday present, and "Worst Case Scenario" book for Valentine's Day. I've noticed guys aren't big on gifts. Oh, wait, I bought him a George Foreman grill one day. He LOVED that. But it was like last month- so, after we were engaged.



10. Getting married? **** Hehehe we're doing it a year and a half after we first met. To some, it's fast, but we're over 30, so have a better understanding of what we're doing and who we are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:31pm
Holly, you are like the poster girl for on line love. lol I swear. You have the best story and the perfect time frame for everything. Maybe that is because you did it the right way. I may start following your rules of the heart! lol Great post! So excited for you and happy you snatched a good man!!!


Gail:)

Avatar for thousandays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 3:43pm
these are all my personal opinions for what *I* would do, not necessarily what I would tell others to do but might think they should, depending on the situation....

1. Having dinner at either person's home?

after date 3, at least

2. Meeting the parent or parents?

dating at least 3 months

3. Meeting friends or co-workers?

dating a month or so

4. Meeting children or ex-spouse?

hmm, tricky since I don't want to marry someone with kids already, and since you marry who you date, no sense in dating someone with kids. But ex-spouse, frankly I don't ever want to meet my guy's ex.

5. Going a mini-vacation together?

dating a few months

6. Moving in together?

if engaged with a date set and booked and even then, I'm not sure *I* would live with a man. If he wants to see me that often, he's gotta marry me.

7. Sharing bank accounts?

definitely not until after marriage.

8. Loaning money to the other person?

depends on the amount, less than 50 bucks after dating a few months, more than that, I'd need to be engaged.

9. Buying someone a gift?

dating a few months

10. Getting married?

dating at least 6 months, then a 6 month engagement so 1 year

thousandays